The Plot of My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3, As Explained by the Reviews

Lots of new #Content, from MBFGW3 to Jonathan Majors getting Nathan Fielder'd, plus, new Pod Yourself The Wire.

This latest #Content Report sees the return of a beloved feature, but also stay tuned, because we’ve also got updates on The Numbers Are All Fake (ie, even more fake numbers in the wild), a story about Jonathan Majors and a possibly wild PR tactic, and new Pod Yourself The Wire. This one is still free, but these kinds of posts won’t be much longer, so upgrade to paid now to keep on reading them. For those of you who already ARE paid subscribers, thank you for making this all possible. You truly are the best of us.

Focus

I was looking for a movie to review for you all this week, but it’s slim pickings out there. Out here in the sticks, we still have a few more weeks to wait for Cassandro (Gael Garcia Bernal’s gay wrestling movie), and beyond that, it’s mostly middling-looking horror (The Nun II, which I probably won’t be able to keep up with, not having seen The Nun 1) and A Haunting In Venice, a star-studded take on the murder mystery genre. Which, after countless attempts to enjoy, I think I’ve finally thrown in the towel on. I blame Glass Onion, the last Branagh Agatha Christie movie, and See How They Run, which I have near-total amnesia of.

Luckily I remembered one of my favorite old features, in which I take a movie I’m definitely not going to see, and try to reproduce the entire story using only the expository sections of reviews (no analysis!).

This idea grew out of two related phenomena — one being that the exposition is generally the most boring part of writing reviews, and the other that it’s weirdly more entertaining to read bored, annoyed critics describe a bad movie than it is to actually watch that bad movie. Enter My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3, which opened this past Friday.

I still remember where I was the first time I heard about My Big Fat Greek Wedding. I was home from college eating dinner with my mom when she ran into a friend from high school, who kept going on and on about how we ABSOLUTELY HAD to see this HILARIOUS NEW MOVIE. It was called, get this, “My Big Fat Greek Wedding.” Greeks! Getting married! Can you imagine?

My mom is half Armenian with an Armenian last name, and I guess he thought Greeks and Armenians are culturally similar enough to make a connection there. Probably not wrong on that score, but when I actually saw the movie, it ended up being such embarrassing, ethnicities-are-exotic drivel that it almost came back around to working as parody. I remember one scene in which Nia Vardalos’s character gets embarrassed when her new WASP boyfriend wants mint jelly with his lamb (FAUX PAS! THE GREEKS WILL HONOR KILL YOU FOR THAT!).

I always imagine the German comedy robot from South Park writing these kinds jokes. “I’m half ITALIAN and half ESKIMO. Boy are the SLED DOGS sick of SPAGHETTI!”

Anyway, it was a fam-com so edgeless it made Dave Sedaris look like Lars Von Trier. Nia Vardalos also just really has one of those Women Laughing At Salad-ass faces.

Nonetheless, the movie was a genuine phenomenon in 2002, which was a big win for Chet Haze’s mom, Rita Wilson, who had loved the stage version of it so much that she had lobbied her husband Tom Hanks to produce the film adaptation. Which he did! Costing just $5 million to make, My Big Fat Greek Wedding ended up being the highest-grossing rom-com of all time. It even got Vardalos an Oscar nomination for Best Original Screenplay — proving just how traumatized by 9/11 we all were in 2002. Of all the things the terrorists took from us that day, I miss our resistance to bland horseshit the most.

Anyway, nothing that makes that much money can ever be left alone, even if it already felt sort of dated by the time it came out. And so, My Big Fat Greek Wedding was followed by a Big Fat Greek sitcom, My Big Fat Greek Life, in 2003. A long overdue sequel, My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2, followed in 2016. And now, seven years later, it seems everyone involved has thought what the hell, why not run it back once again.

Is that too long a preamble? Almost assuredly. In any case, here’s My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3, as told by the reviews.

THE SETUP

Still happily married and still highly strung after all these years, Toula (Nia Vardalos) suddenly finds herself leading the entire American-based Portokalos clan on a group pilgrimage to Greece itself. (Herald Sun)

Premise? Another wedding. Plus a family reunion in the Portokalos clan’s Greek island village back home (Chicago Tribune)

where Toula and her extended family must deal with the death of the family patriarch. (Washington Post)

Mom, played by Lainie Kazan, isn’t doing so well herself, failing to recognize her own daughter in an early scene. (Washington Post)

The script conveniently uses said Alzheimer's as an excuse to give us a quick upfront exposition dump – we're told about the trip to Greece and why they're all going there during a memory test for Maria: (Mashable)

to fulfill the deceased immigrant patriarch’s final wish: that Toula take his journal back to his home village and share it with three childhood friends. (Paste/LA Times)

Forget that the pages of this supposedly decades-old journal look as fresh as something plucked off the stationery shelf at Target. (Washington Post)

Tagging along for the ride are Toula’s husband Ian (the vintage blandness of John Corbett), college-age daughter Paris (returning Elena Kampouris), brash brother Nick (Louis Mandylor once more), along with Nick and Toula’s aunts Frieda (Maria Vacratsis) and Voula (Andrea Martin again, thank God). Cousins Nikki (Gia Carides) and Angelo (Joey Fatone) show up later, no different than before. (LA Times)

THE JOHN CORBETT HOT BLAND GUY EXPLOSION

John Corbett's only role is to pop up every so often and ask, "Shouldn't we be enjoying ourselves just a little?" (Mashable)

He exists largely in reaction shots here, his eyes widened by the sights and sounds everywhere. (Chicago Tribune)

He's the perfect heterosexual man: funny and goofy and energetic without ever becoming annoying, handsome and fit but never preening or self-regarding, solid in a crisis, and naturally empathetic without seeming like he's trying too hard. He is acceptable to all life experiences and cultures: a vanilla ice cream cone in the form of a person. (RogerEbert.com)

BUT WHO GETS MARRIED?

For romance, the focus shifts to Toula and Ian's daughter Paris. (ABC News)

At the end of movie No. 2, Paris was off to college. But here — apparently seven years later — she confesses that she’s just flunked out of her freshman year. Time is fluid in this cinematic world. (Washington Post)

Her match-making aunties have hatched a diabolical plot to keep the Greek baby train rolling, bringing along on the trip an adorable boy named Aristotle (Elias Kacavas) — (Mashable)

the date she "ghosted," according to busybody Aunt Voula — (ABC News)

all under the guise of him being Voula's "assistant." (Mashable)

“Make up, make out,” Voula advises the duo, in front of the whole plane. (Stuff NZ)

“Deciding to be friends is for when you find out that you’re dating your cousin.” (Slant)

THE NON-BINARY GREEK MAYOR

The family, just arrived at the Athens airport, waits for their rental car to enter the frame. Punchline: It’s a rickety old farmer’s truck (Chicago Tribune)

…driven by the village’s young, non-binary mayor, Victory (Melina Kotselou) (LA Times/NextBestPicture)

a distant Portokalos cousin and the self-appointed mayor of the village whose catchphrase is “Number one, the best,” as in “Greece: number one, the best” or “Supermodels: number one, the best.” (Vulture)

Victory regrettably symbolizes Vardalos’ approach to characters: Tag them (nonbinary), hint at a personality (eccentric), then give the actor nothing else to play besides some lame running gag about how they take selfies. (LA Times)

Aunt Voula praises Victory’s “alternative lifestyle.” “My daughter is divorced, and my son is gay. Do you like to wear boy clothes?” (Sydney Morning Herald)

…OF AN ABANDONED VILLAGE

The island is a place of postcard-perfect blue-and-white vistas, where hospitality verges on hostage-taking and any suggestion of vegetarianism is vociferously resisted. (Guardian)

Soon after they arrive, they jump into the sea fully clothed, because apparently when you go to Greece you immediately lose control of your faculties. (Hollywood Reporter)

Of course, there’s a catch: expecting a huge gathering, they discover that they’re the only relatives who have shown up. (Washington Post)

One of the few exceptions is Gus’ former acquaintance Alexandra (Anthi Andreopoulou), who loans them the use of a local home. (AV Club)

Like Gus did decades earlier, most everyone's moved away; his hometown village of Vrisi has a grand total of six people residing in it when the Portokalos clan come calling. The wells have dried up. And there are lines of Syrian refugees lining the streets, looking for work and for bread, ruffling some feathers in the process. (Mashable)

We find out it's because the springs that used to flow through the town are stopped up. (RogerEbert.com)

Naturally, Toula has no choice but to try to track down her dad’s buddies — a thing she absolutely could have done on the Internet without leaving the comfort of her own home — while everyone else in her family does theoretically amusing things like trimming their nose and ear hair at the breakfast table or striking up friendships with local monks. (Vulture)

Uncle Nick is looking for the town’s oldest tree. (NextBestPicture)

ROMANCE

There is a new wedding. However, it’s between two relatively minor characters whom we hardly get to know. (NextBestPicture)

Victory takes Paris and Aristotle under their wing and introduces them to the two other young people in the village: Christos (Giannis Vasilottos) and his girlfriend Qamar (Stephanie Nur) (Collider)

…the Stepford Wives version of a Syrian refugee. Qamar has shiny eyes and a perma-smile. She’s terrifying. (Evening Standard)

COMIC RELIEF

Did you know every word is derived from the Greek language? Did you know Greek families are overbearing and nosy? (Detroit News)

Everyone still uses Windex to clean objects and cure diseases. (Associated Press)

Toula’s brother Nick has been saddled with an ugly habit, namely trimming nose hairs and toenails at the family table (Associated Press)

an ongoing “joke” that takes up what feels like a third of the screen time. (Indiewire)

There’s quite a lot of middle-aged nudity (at least hinted at, with modesty sometimes only protected by items like a frappuccino container) (Stuff)

People have conversations or experiences that screech to a halt before getting anywhere (Vulture)

…cultural window dressing while Vardalos crams in one more dull joke about Nick’s manscaping, Greek voodoo or Voula’s sauciness… (LA Times)

lines such as, “I can do facials with greek yoghurt – enemas too”

people say things like “We are now going to dance a traditional Greek dance” and goats randomly appear. (Seattle Times)

A montage of Toula repeatedly falling off a horse (Vulture)

Vardalos cuts to a rooster and goat at least five different times (UPI)

a provocative apron worn by more than one character. (Stuff)

The oddest disposable gag comes when Toula blurts her sexual attraction to a mustachioed stranger (Alexis Georgoulis). The man immediately reveals himself to be a relative. (New York Times)

CONCLUSION

Toula has a half-brother she’s never met, because her dad got around, and the ferocious wench in her parents’ village has been holding onto this secret all her life. (Telegraph)

Turns out, Gus’ ex Alexandra welcomed a son together that Gus never knew about, and Toula grapples with her father’s changing legacy. Nick also smuggled in Gus’ ashes — which, for the record, raised some Greek Orthodox eyebrows, as cremation is frowned upon in the religion — and Toula, Peter, and Nick return Gus to his true home. (Indiewire)

By the end of the film, the springs are running again after a montage of action that lasts about a minute and looks so simple that you wonder why the townspeople didn't do it already. (RogerEbert.com)

At least in “Mamma Mia 2,” Cher showed up. (Seattle Times)

—

There, don’t you feel better for knowing all that? I know, I know, I too wanted to know a lot more about the “provocative apron.” But alas, only one review was bold enough to touch upon it. This is what happens when private equity destroys journalism and half of the film critics get laid off.

Elsewhere

In a nice little follow-up to my “The Numbers Are All Fake” piece from Tuesday, Intelligencer had this on Thursday, expanding on a lot of the same points. Basically, that the venture capital-driven tech industry (whose business model the entertainment also came to adopt) juked, massaged, and lied about numbers so often and so brazenly that metrics are now approaching total meaninglessness.

Some bits:

The internet promised, among other things, absolute audience surveillance, full measurability, and perfect knowledge of who was watching what, when, and for how long. What it delivered, instead, was metric tons of metric bullshit. Endowed with new powers of self-measurement, media companies, advertising firms, and online platforms have turned metrics into something approaching misinformation. They’re suspicious, context-free numbers, produced in private, selectively shared to tell just the right stories.

In the abstract, metrics are powerful not just for what they convey — power, authority, popularity — but because they imply measurement by some sort of agreed-upon standard. In reality, online, they tend to supply math problems: vexing equations with missing variables and euphemistic names. There are numbers everywhere, and they mean nothing.

The piece is framed around the made-up numbers for Trump’s interview with Tucker Carlson on Twitter. Which are so blatantly made up — a number greater than the population of 46 states combined — that they shed doubt on all the other numbers claimed online.

Terms attached to already unreliable metrics lose meaning as they’re used across vastly different platforms. Views on Twitter and YouTube, for example, are quantitatively different: on Twitter, they’re gathered quickly, and perhaps instantaneously; on famously conservative YouTube, where viewership is directly connected to YouTuber payouts, they’re counted after 30 seconds; on Instagram, after three seconds. Metrics are also qualitatively different. Watching a YouTube video from a creator to whom you subscribe is not like ingesting another TikTok video recommended in a feed. An Instagram like is not a Twitter like is not a YouTube thumbs-up is not a TikTok heart.

The vast majority of people on Earth should really not have to know the minutia of ad revenue dispersal or the granular validation dynamics of ten different platforms. And yet, if you’ve ever experienced the phenomenon of going to YouTube for a how-to video or a recipe and encountered an excessive number of pleasantries up front (“what’s up, guys! Thank you so much for watching my video, don’t forget to like and subscribe…”), now you know why: because the creator needed you to watch for 30 seconds in order to get paid for your impression.

—

Is Jonathan Majors working with Nathan Fielder now?

I’ll try to explain this one as succinctly as possible, but the backstory on this is that Jonathan Majors, probably the hottest up-and-coming-actor in the world coming off of Creed III and a big role as a presumably-reocurring villain in Ant-Man 3, was arrested during a domestic violence incident in March. A Rolling Stone exposé followed in June, alleging a pattern of partner abuse. Dozens of marketing plans were surely scrapped in the process.

Majors’ PR team has seemed like they’ve been on high alert ever since, and then yesterday there was this video from TMZ, “Jonathan Majors Pulls Apart HS Girls During Fight ... Wild Video Shows.” [Sic]

Supposedly it was at Hollywood High School, “which happens to be directly across the street from an In-N-Out ... and that's how Jonathan got involved.”

Nothing about the fight especially jumps out at me as fake, though the blurring over the girls’ faces makes it hard to tell. There does seem to be distinct lack of yelling, compared to the high school girl fights I’ve witnessed. And you can’t actually ever see the supposedly-across-the-street In N Out in the video, which makes you wonder how Jonathan Majors could’ve just happened past it. Something about it feels “off” in some ineffable way, though I guess real life is like that sometimes too.

Anyway, like I said, no smoking gun so it very well could’ve just been a weird thing that happened. But the idea of Jonathan Majors’ PR team cooking up a Nathan Fielder-esque stunt — have you been canceled over violence towards women? my solution is simple: go viral for preventing violence to women — is so absurdly irresistible that I choose to believe it.

—

Finally, Pod Yourself The Wire, our Wire-themed follow up to Pod Yourself A Gun, our Sopranos rewatch podcast, is back for season four! Subscribe on Patreon for early access. For the premiere of season four, we’ve got Pete Blackburn from Listen to Brunch. You’re going to love it.