Is This 'Soy Banter?' Whatever It Is, It Sucks.
The smug style of dialogue that has infected everything. (Plus, This Week In Movie Posters and the Hyper Specific Thirst Trap of the Week)
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One of the terms I find myself reaching for most often while writing movie and TV reviews these days is “soy banter.” I hesitate before typing it every time, knowing it will be gibberish to most readers. There’s an old adage in journalism that goes something like “can you explain it to your Aunt Edna?” If you can’t, it probably needs a rewrite.
So then I’ll try to avoid it or explain it a different way, only to realize that that’s basically impossible without getting sidetracked, and will end up using it anyway. For better or worse, “soy banter” remains the best and only way to describe “soy banter.”
Once you start to notice it, it’s everywhere. Kids movies. YouTube influencer videos. Commercials that play during NFL games. Mel Gibson’s Flight Risk (you would not believe how soy the first ten minutes of that movie are). This grating, smugly post-modern style of writing used to be associated with shitlibs and fourth wave male feminists, but these days it’s no longer bound to any one demo or political persuasion. It might make you think of Ryan Reynolds or Jason Bateman, but if you’re really paying attention you’ll hear the same kinds of verbal tics from Stephen Miller or JD Vance. No chance I’m watching any, but I’d bet a lot of money that those terrible Daily Wire comedies they’re constantly advertising on Twitter are chock full of soy banter.
The most consistent example of soy banter that I’ve heard goes something like this: a big plot development occurs, and a character in that movie or show deadpans (ostensibly to another character but mostly to the audience) “Soooo… that just happened.”
This example certainly nails soy banter’s basic function and probably its most common use case, but at times I wonder whether it’s too limited. Soy banter in my mind encompasses an entire universe of related dialogue tics. The other day I was watching the first Sonic the Hedgehog movie (2020) with my son. The whole thing is very winky (the essential vibe of soy banter), opening with a riff on the “record scratch/freeze frame” meme. Sonic (voiced by Ben Schwartz) does the voiceover: “So. I know what you're thinking. Why is that incredibly handsome hedgehog being chased by a madman with a mustache from the Civil War?”
Pretty soy, but this wasn’t the part that stuck out at me. That would come a few minutes later, during a segment introducing Sonic’s mother. Over a flashback of an owl character caring for a baby Sonic, his voiceover continues:
That's Longclaw. She took care of me. She was basically Obi-Wan Kenobi, If Obi-Wan Kenobi had a beak and ate mice.
Does this kind of writing make anyone else want to drive their car into a telephone pole or just me?
I understand the idea of wanting your kids movie to have some jokes for the adults. That’s great. I can, if I will myself to do it, even get past the smart-alecky tone (I don’t like it, but I’m forced to concede that it plays pretty well with virtually all pre-teenaged children).
Even accepting all that, Obi-Wan Kenobi is a character from Star Wars. That’s a movie that came out in fucking 1977. This is, generously, a movie aimed at 6-year-olds. They really couldn’t just briefly explain what a mentor is in a few words without using a crutch reference to a movie older than I am? God dammit.
It’s fair to wonder whether this kind of reference-brained laziness is part of the same general phenomenon as “so… that just happened.” I would argue that it is. The general function is the same: a character acknowledging bad or lazy writing by making a cute little meta joke emphasizing it, presumably to head off any criticism of that bad writing. It’s cowardice couched in fake bravado. You can’t make fun of me if I make fun of myself first! You’re not allowed to yell at me if I’m already crying!
It’s fast becoming the dominant mode of our times, I suspect because it’s timid, but also lazy. It allows you to sort of half do a thing without really taking credit for it in case it doesn’t play. Why worry that something you wrote was too out of left field when you can just have the protagonist make light of it? “Soooo… that just happened.” Why bother translating your inspiration into characterization when you can just have the protagonist say “she’s basically Obi-Wan Kenobi.”
Of course, the downside is giving us stories that are written like mad-libs and teaching our children that it’s cool to talk like people you want to punch. It’s lazy, and the laziness is making us stupider. As with so many things. Anyway, now you’ll know what I mean when I try to lazily reference something without really explaining it.
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Hyper-Specific Thirst Trap of the Week
I admit in advance, I can’t decide whether this thirst trap is “specific” or just “confusing.” And it’s actually not limited to this specific posts, I’ve seen this same basic format in a few different posts. It’s basically a meme. Always ending with “two huge knockers, one bearded clam.”
“Me in numbers:
40yo
'5’2”
125 pounds
3 kids
2 horses
11 sheep
Too many dogs
2 cats
2 large knockers
1 bearded clam
4 holes”
I guess the point of this particular Thirst Trap Meme is to point out that horny single moms also have lots of animals. The “bearded clam” thing is part of another trend of inventing new or bringing back old weird euphemisms for vagina. Is “bearded clam” better or worse than “built-in waterfall?” (yes, that second one is a meme too). I lean towards “bearded clam,” just because there’s something insidious about describing your body like real estate. If your vagina is a built-waterfall, what is your asshole, a three-car garage?
Not that “bearded clam” isn’t weird in its own right. I mean if the point of it was to keep the zoological theme, why not just go with “beaver?” Discuss.
For the ladies and gays, here’s another one. This one I call simply “horse/cock.”
Somehow I feel like the horse wasn’t supposed to the focal point of this one.
This Week In Movie Posters
Welcome to the This Week In Movie Posters, the feature in which we go through all the week’s new movie posters and read way too much into them. Blessed are the paid subscribers, as without them, none of this would be possible. All posters via IMPA.
This week I got an email offering me a screener for “Jesus Thirsts: The Miracle of the Eucharist.”
That’s right, “Jesus Thirsts.” How many people had to sign off on that title? Had to be like 28 people without a passing knowledge of modern sexual slang and two guys actively rooting for their bosses’ embarrassment.
Deep within each human soul, there exists an intense craving for connection, purpose, and love — a thirst that only God can satisfy.
Jeez, I didn’t think the synopsis was going to make it worse! Was church the original “thirst trap?”
Yet, the question remains: How does one fulfill this yearning?
FILL ME UP, LORD! TOP ME OFF WITH YOUR SPIRIT! EXPLODE MY BACK WALLS WITH YOUR GRACE!
The Catholic Church teaches that the Eucharist is the most profound means by which God shares Himself with humanity. However, a 2019 Pew Research Study unveiled a concerning reality: only one-third of practicing U.S. Catholics believe in the Real Presence of Christ in the Eucharist.
“Only one-third practicing U.S. Catholics believe in the Real Presence of Christ in the Eucharist.”
Is this really the biggest problem we have right now? I mean listen, I’d be the first person to agree that people have generally lost the kind of fellowship that church used to provide, but I can’t imagine the way to fix that is by reviving the argument about transubstantiation.
This appears to be a Thai poster for Captain America: Brave New World. I can’t imagine it’s the most accurate representation of the movie, but they definitely know how to make a poster. This looks like Captain America is our beloved leader urging us to beautify the neighborhood.