Gal Gadot's Netflix Movie is Definitely Real (This Week In Movie Posters)

Gal Gadot stars in a movie that's definitely real, Adam Sandler goes full Will Smith, and sparks are still poster shorthand for "lots of action!"

Welcome to the This Week In Movie Posters, the feature in which we go through all the week’s new movie posters and read way too much into them. All posters via IMPAwards.

We begin this week’s This Week In Movie Posters with Heart of Stone, a Gal Gadot action movie on Netflix that’s definitely a real movie and not a complicated tax sheltering scheme.

Trust us! Just look at her! Her shirt is all dirty! That’s dirt from making a movie! Can’t you tell by her facial expression how exhausted she is from making a movie? Okay, bad example, Gal Gadot doesn’t have traditional “facial expressions,” but I swear this is definitely a movie! See that town in the background? They made a movie there! Honestly I don’t know why you’re being so skeptical about this.

And this tangle of limbs here is the new poster for All Dirt Roads Taste of Salt. “Time is a tender embrace” goes the tagline. All this bare skin makes me hope for sex, but the pose and focus on the wedding ring here doesn’t exactly scream “full frontal nudity.” It looks more like that one person in photography class who spends the whole semester taking artsy closeups of peoples’ hands. There’s one in every art class. As a former Film major, I can guarantee you that at least one photography project is always going to be about hands and that at least one short film is always going to be about someone committing suicide. That’s the visual art major guarantee.

And here we have The Inventor, which looks like it falls into some awkward middle ground between claymation and stop-motion. Also, I get wanting to put stars’ names at the top (classic advertising stuff!) but I have a hard time imagining someone looking at this and going “hold up, one of these dolls sounds like the lady from La Vie En Rose?? Sign me up!”

Side note, Marion Cotillard has that Timotheé Chalamet thing where her first and last name have the same French sounds spelled two completely different ways. Are you trying to confuse me? Some real Toni Tony Toné shit right there.

Look, what did I say before? Stop asking me if this is a real movie, okay? It’s definitely a real movie! Look at all those flames! You think someone would take the time to make that many flames if this wasn’t a real movie? Think again, buster. Heart of Stone is definitely real and Gal Gadot is totally in it.

Okay, I’ll level with you: I can see how you might see Gal Gadot supposedly skidding down an icy mountain with a look on her face like she’s watching a morning show cooking demonstration and think “come on, this can’t be a real movie.”

But I’m telling you, it is! You can go watch it on Netflix right now, and I guarantee you the status bar will show at least 90 minutes of content! And it is definitely not a ten minute opening sequence on one end, a ten minute closing sequence on the other end, and a stationary 75-minute shot of a tree in between! Netflix would never try to trick you like that! Gal Gadot made a movie and it’s definitely real, deal with it.

Hey look, Shadow Island. It’s a shadow island in poster for Shadow Island. Love when poster just picture of words in title.

Here we have the Spanish language post for Blue Beetle, which looks like someone demanded that they add some sparks at the last minute to make it seem more exciting. Love those sparks. They convey the sense that somewhere, metal is grinding. You may not know where yet, but rest assured it’s happening. That’s foreshadowing, baby.

No idea what Medusa Deluxe is (sounds like a sex act) but I’m detecting some very vaginal imagery here and I don’t think it was by accident. Very cool poster, eye-grabbing color scheme... all-around A. I think that deserves a full synopsis:

A murder mystery set in a competitive hairdressing contest. Extravagance and excess collide, as the death of a contestant sows seeds of division in a community whose passion for hair verges on obsession.

So… Clue plus Best In Show with people? Oh I’ll play your game, you rogues.

Here’s an international poster for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem. I like that in America, the focus of TMNT posters is “They’re ninjas!” Whereas in Asia, the focus is apparently “These guys LOVE pizza!”

Like Vincent Vega says, it’s the little differences.

Even without seeing “from the studio that brought you Wonder and The Jesus Revolution (which I actually reviewed),” I’m pretty sure I would’ve still clocked this as a faith-based film. It just has that Jesusy vibe.

Synopsis:

Inspired by the incredible true story of a hairdresser who single-handedly rallies an entire community to help a widowed father save the life of his critically ill young daughter.

Okay so technically there’s nothing specifically about Jesus in there, but this is from the director of The Case For Christ, I Still Believe, American Underdog (about Kurt Warner), and The Jesus Revolution, so I don’t think I’m going out on a limb here.

Pretty wild swing for an actress who won an Oscar for playing a trans person, but maybe these are the non-transphobic kind of Christian filmmakers? I don’t feel like doing the amount of research necessary to confirm that, so instead I’ll just say… uh… cool Canadian minidress. She’s going to have every lumberjack in a five-mile radius spitting out his maple syrup and hooting out his tractor window in that thing.

Here’s the poster for On Fire, featuring a big fire, plus a title font made of SPARKS. As we’ve discussed, “SPARKS” is poster shorthand for “EXCITEMENT!” Anyway, I’m getting that this is about a fire.

By the way, whenever I see the name “Peter Facinelli” my brain immediately just screams “AmanDUH.” He should probably just change his name to “AmanDUH” at this point.

“A virgin will give birth to heaven and hell.”

Isn’t that just, like, The New Testament? Anyway, I’m getting that this might have a naked lady in it. I’m there, dudes! I feel like this poster designer was going for that sick Pink Floyd poster every dude had in college, even if they actually hated Pink Floyd. That’s how excited we got for naked lady backs in the days before free streaming porno. Heady times.

Here’s the poster for Fair Play, which heavily implies that Alden Ehrenreich is about to chomp that lady’s neck like a vampire. But it’s okay, because he’s hot! Heck, she’s already unbuttoning her blouse. Do NOT try this if you’re not Alden Ehrenreich, you’ll just get reported to HR.

Here’s Quiz Lady, which stars Sandra Oh and Awkwafina. But get this: SANDRA OH is playing the wacky one! Now THAT’S a wacky twist!

Awkwafina has a way of turning me into a disapproving mom. All I want to do is tell her to clear her throat and stand up straight.

Ooh, doggy in a bow tie!

Here’s the poster for #ChadGetsTheAxe, and I suppose I’m in no position to ridicule anyone for putting ironic hashtags in the title. Now, the basic hook of any slasher or disaster movie is them presenting a bunch of annoying characters and you secretly rooting for the most annoying to get murdered. Have you seen Hijack, with Idris Elba, on Apple+? Same basic deal. Oh how I wished the hijackers would go to town on that awful mom with the terrible hair.

Acknowledging that, I don’t think you can just shout “PEOPLE WHO SUCK GETTING WHAT THEY DESERVE” at the top of the poster like that. Feels a little on the nose. Saying the quiet part out loud and whatnot.

And here we have a classic movie poster take on Vacation Friends 2, which I just learned is a thing. I was actually shocked how funny Vacation Friends ended up being, since it seemed like one of those the title-is-the-concept-is-the-trailer-is-the-poster type comedies. I tried to explain this phenomenon a few years back but I failed at giving it a catchy name, like “manic pixie dream girl” or “white savior narrative” or whatever. If you have any ideas let me know. You know the ones I’m talking about. “Fist Fight.” “Friends With Benefits.” “Daddy’s Home.” You have the title, and everything else writes itself.

Anyway, Vacation Friends sounds like one of those movies, but was actually good,. That being said, comedy sequels are an even lower percentage play than regular sequels so I don’t really have high hopes for this one.

Here’s the poster for You Are SO Not Invited to My Bat Mitzvah (I don’t know if the SO is actually capitalized like that but I felt like it should be), part of Adam Sandler’s second four-picture deal with Netflix, the first of which was reportedly worth $250 million. Being Adam Sandler seems nice.

I’ve always felt like Adam Sandler’s nepotism was so overt that it was actually charming. Like, if you were one of Sandler’s friends in high school or college you could basically guarantee a life time of bit parts in his movies (meanwhile all my dumbass friends just became lawyers or commercial real estate agents or whatever, not a single bit role for me to speak of).

This time around though, Sandler actually put his real kids and real wife in the movie. Which on paper definitely feels more like the obnoxious, now-you-have-to-watch-my-kids-in-a-movie! Will Smith kind of nepotism, as opposed to the usual, charming, I’m-putting-my-middle-school-janitor’s-kids-through-college Adam Sandler-type nepotism.

That being said, the trailer gives off the distinct sense that Adam Sandler was actually trying in this one. Adam Sandler is always pretty great when he deigns to break a sweat.

*whispering to date* That’s Aristotle and Dante.

Wait, what?

I don’t know what this one is about, but I’m guessing that at some point, these two kids dared to dream.

And finally, here’s the poster for Prime Video’s Sitting In Bars With Cake, which is giving big time Women Laughing At Salads vibes. Oh, strawberry, you’re hilarious.

Okay, that’s all for this week. In other news, we’ll be recording TWO NEW FROTCASTS this week, including one with founding Frotcast member Brendan. That should be up any minute now.