This Week In Movie Posters, March 25th 2024

Dune 2! Rebel Moon 2! Alien Romulus! Planet of the Apes, Part Whatever! Plus cool jets and the Monkey Man.

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I won’t bore you with excuses about all the other things I’ve been writing, but suffice to say, it’s been too long since we did a This Week In Movie Posters. Let’s remedy that right now.

This Week In Movie Posters

Welcome to the This Week In Movie Posters, the feature in which we go through all the week’s new movie posters and read way too much into them. Blessed are the paid subscribers, as without them, none of this would be possible. All posters via IMPA.

Oh dang, another Alien movie?? Ridley Scott is still alive, you know. I guess he must be too busy doing Gladiator 2 (yes, a real thing) to direct this thing, so now we have Fede Alvarez. He is definitely a guy who directs movies.

Finally, it looks like someone is focusing on the most compelling aspects of the Alien canon. The drool! As the father of a toddler this speaks to me. Someone get that alien a bib! He’s going to ruin his Spider-man shirt! In space, no one can hear you (*slurp*).

Wonder why he’s drooling like that. Maybe a sexy lady xenomorph just walked by. a-WHOOOOOO-ga.

Speaking of awooga, here’s Sydney Sweeney in Immaculate. I haven’t seen it yet, but I like that we have an official big-boobed blonde celebrity no one can shut up about again. I think Sydney is the first one since Kate Upton? The office had been vacant for a few years, but there has almost always been one, starting with Marilyn Monroe and continuing through Pamela Anderson. It’s nice we started that tradition again. It’s the closest American equivalent to the monarchy.

Ooh, a Blue Angels movie. Yes, please. I’m as against American Militarism propaganda as the next lefty, but the simple fact is that fast jets are cool. There’s no denying that.

If you’re going to spend our healthcare money building them, the least you can do is let us watch them fly really fast and do sonic booms and stuff. The straightforward stuff is way cooler than the veiled propaganda anyway, like when Marvel makes ten movies about how intelligence agents are really just like us, eating shwarma and having trauma and whatnot. No one cares, bitch, shut up and make with the jet porn.

This poster for The King Tide has a little baby and some high-contrast greyscale imagery, but it doesn’t immediately read “horror movie.” That has me intrigued. Let’s check in with IMDB:

After the mayor of an idyllic island village discovers a child with mysterious powers awash on their shores, the once peaceful community devolves into civil war, torn over the belief that the child is the next saviour.

Ah, sci-fi, that should’ve been my next guess. I was thinking it was a Game of Thrones spinoff or something. Also, can children be “awash”? Discuss.

Another for Blue Angels. Letters go fast! Vroom vroom! I like when letter go fast.

I also checked to make sure this was a documentary (it is) and not some weird fiction feature. I like that Glen Powell being a producer made it onto the poster. “Hey, you know that one hot guy? He said this was a good idea. I know, pretty cool, right?”

I’m curiously excited about the idea of Dev Patel kicking ass. Good tagline too, “one small ember can burn everything down.”

Only the tagline doesn’t really fit the title. Monkey Man? Embers? Seems like we’re mixing metaphors. Maybe something like “he’s about to throw a wrench in their plans!” Or “a barrel of this guy would be un-fun as shit!”

Something like that, you know what I mean. MONKEY MAN: He’s about to throw shit on everyone!

On the sixth day, of the sixth month, of the sixth hour… ohhh, 666, I see what you did there. Wait, sixth hour? Wouldn’t it be hour, day, month? What the hell kind of syntax is day, month, hour? Or is that a devil thing, messing with how we write times and dates? Classic devil stuff, always fucking up your spreadsheets.

Ooh, hell yeah, it’s been too long since we had a golf movie (he said dadly). Also, why is Dennis Quaid the official go-to actor for inspirational period sports movies? If you got a guy who played sports between 1920 and 1980, there’s a 75% chance Dennis Quaid is going to play him.

In 1955, five young Mexican-American caddies, out of the love for the game, were determined to learn how to play, so they created their own golf course in the middle of the South Texas desert.

Damn. I saw the Mexican dudes and I was hoping for a Lee Trevino biopic. How isn’t there one of those yet? Dude is 84 and still cool as hell. And he was great in Happy Gilmore.

Also, sorry to anyone this offends, but if you’re a copywriter and the tagline you come up with is “dare to dream” they should fire your ass. Got Milk-ass tagline.

Vincent Cassell always looks like a guy who’s about to tell you that your father died. And also probably try to bang your mom while he’s there. “Oh, ‘allo. I waz ‘eartbroken to ‘ear about your ‘usbon. Can I make for you da cocktail?”

Also, fix the names, man, Christ. Am I the only one who finds the mismatch annoying to look at?

The Scargiver! I was laughing so hard at this poster I barely even noticed the ninja lady with flaming swords. Grrr, sparks means exciting! METAL. WILL. GRIND!

Always good to see Djimon Honsou though. Even if he is fighting next to… uh… is that a robot Jackalope? Cool, cool.