Top Chef Power Rankings, Week 4

Well hammer my duck, is that a traditional bag pudding?

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Before we get into the show, I keep meaning to write about Last Chance Kitchen, but never got around to it. …Before now! Whereas this season of Top Chef feels like one of its most entertaining (and most talented) in years, Last Chance Kitchen has turned into something approaching a debacle.

As has become standard in recent seasons, the Top Chef producers have determined to use the “post-show” not just as a way for eliminated contestants to fight their way back into the competition (which has produced winners like current host Kristen Kish and Joe Flamm), but also as a place to squeeze in understudy chefs who didn’t quite crack the main cast in the first place (which has produced… uh… Soo Ahn, from last season). This season, those understudies included the adorably bubbly Chinese-born chef, Ying Gao, and personality-yet-to-be-determined Canadian Samuel Olayinka.

Sam and Ying both battled first eliminated Chef Mimi, aka Coach, in LCK episode one. Sam, the least telegenic of the three, took the win, much to this viewer’s chagrin. Sam finished second in episode two (won by Bailey, aka Lisa Frank), setting up a battle between him, Bailey, and Big Cabbage, aka Anya, in episode three. At which point Chef Sam… abruptly quit the show before the challenge even began. Damn, how unfun must that competition be for a chef to quit after winning?

This left LCK host Tom Colicchio scrambling to come up with new challenge on the fly, which he eventually decided would be a contest to try to produce three viable dishes in an hour. That ended up being more of a speed challenge that felt like it didn’t especially favor creativity or skill. Or maybe that’s just me being bitter that my favorite competitor, Big Cabbage ended up losing this poorly-conceived second chance, immediately after her unfair elimination. God dammit, not again! I want more pinecone jam and buckthorn berries and assorted tasty treats from the Siberian forests! JUSTICE FOR BIG CABBAGE!

This challenge’s only saving grace was watching Tom Colicchio muttering “this is terrible” while force-feeding himself one of the hastily-cooked dishes his own hastily-produced guidelines had inspired. Ugh, my own petard? Again?

It didn’t help that the eventual winner was quirkster Bailey, who I keep trying my hardest not to reflexively dislike, but her self-conscious cutesiness, over the top vocal fry, and constantly-drooping glasses (B-Grubb’s rant about the guy from Severance comes to mind) make it an uphill battle. This isn’t Chotchkie’s, Bailey, you don’t always need 37 pieces of flair.

Anyway, guess how that one turned out this week? …I’ll update you at the end, it would be weird to discuss this week’s LCK before this week’s regular episode. Now then.

Superbad Duck OR, Juno Even Know How To Sous Vide, Bro?

Right, so this week. Our guest host? Michael Cera, the Brampton, Ontario-born wunderkind from such films as Scott Pilgrim and This is the End. What, no Banana Stand challenge?

Where last season had the fourth lead from Pitch Perfect (not even from Wisconsin!), this season has one of our finest working comedy actors and an honest-to-God Canuck. While part of me does appreciate when Top Chef just pulls C-listers out of a hat (your challenge? cater a divorce party for Robert Davi!) this felt like a distinct upgrade. Cera was also a great guest judge, with decent food knowledge, just the right amount of clever quips, and no weird dietary restrictions. (Anyone else remember the Zooey Deschanel episode, where she revealed that she was a gluten-free vegan allergic to soy? That was a fun one.)

Anyway, the quickfire: a trivia challenge! This was another pretty solid idea, and part of me was hoping it would be trivia specific to Top Chef (who stole the pea puree??). This is Bravo, after all, the network that constantly mints new reality stars out of husks of the old ones. Trying to parse “Scandoval” involves as much lore as a JRR Tolkien series, and if anyone shouldn’t be afraid of being overly self-referential, it’s Bravo.

But they went with general food trivia for the challenge instead, and fine, sure. To guest host said challenge, they introduced Jeopardy super champions Amy Schneider and Mattea Roach. Mattea Roach! The most effortlessly annoying human in the history of Jeopardy! Oh my god, she was the worst, you have no idea. Subject for another time, I suppose.

As Schneider quipped, “I’ve been watching Top Chef since it was called Top Scallop.”

Hey, what was I just saying about being self-referential? Great pull, Amy.

I loved the trivia challenge idea, but it became clear almost instantly that none of the Jeopardy question writers came along with the past contestants to help produce this episode. One of the first questions ended up being, “What fruit can be a juice, an ale, or a person's hair color?”

The answer was “ginger.” And excuse me, but a FRUIT?

Photo by Mockup Graphics on Unsplash

I was willing to forgive the previous question that referred to eggplant as a “vegetable” (eggplant is technically a fruit, being a vessel for seeds rather than the body of the plant but it’s definitely used in vegetable-type ways), but there is no planet on which ginger is a fruit. I’m glad I wasn’t a competitor, I would’ve had to be dragged away by armed guards.

The green team — Cesar, Corwin, Shuai, and Vinny — ended up dominating the trivia competition. That meant they got 30 minutes for the quickfire, where the next two teams got 20 and 15 minutes.

After that, Kristen Kish introduced the elimination challenge, which she said “would celebrate six iconic Canadian desserts.”

So, a dessert challenge? Not so fast! The mandate was actually to deconstruct the desserts, and incorporate them into savory dishes. Weird, but I liked it. Weird cool. Even more impressively, no one made a mole.

In fact, all in all, I’m not sure we’ve ever seen better food than this on Top Chef. Almost every dish, even the ones the judges didn’t like, looked like something I would absolutely order. This is either a high-water mark for the show or I should stop watching it while hungry.

Those six “iconic Canadian desserts?”

• Figgy Duff

• Butter Tarts

• Nanaimo Bars

• Jam Jams

• Potato Chocolate Cake

• Date Squares

I can’t say as I know exactly what a butter tart is, but I would definitely eat one. Ditto potato chocolate cake. Jam Jams sounds more like something you would wear, but excuse me, did you say “figgy duff?”

I absolutely must look that one up. From Wikipedia:

“Figgy duff is a traditional bag pudding from the province of Newfoundland and Labrador most commonly served as a part of a Jiggs dinner.”

I don’t know that I’ve ever read a one-sentence description of something that was this good at raising more questions than it answers. What’s a figgy duff, you ask?? Why, it’s traditional bag pudding, you moroon! You know, from a Jiggs dinner!

I’m not even going to look up what the rest of those things are. “A traditional bag pudding from a Jiggs dinner” is just too perfect.

You know who else loves “bag pudding?” You guessed it, your mom.

RESULTS

Quickfire Bottom: Henry. Massimo. Tristen.
Quickfire Top: Kat. Shuai. Corwin*.

Elimination Top: Tristen*. Corwin. Kat.
Elimination Bottom: Shuai. Zubair**. Henry.

(*Winner. **Eliminated)

POWER RANKINGS (change from last week)

12. (+1) Paula Endara

AKA: The Cheetah. Charmander. Como?

Elimination Challenge Dish: Braised Pork Belly with Cacao.

Judges’ Critique(s): “It’s a… very subtle nod to the dessert, isn’t it?" (*Colicchio eye roll*).

Chef Pow-la had a strong week this week. That braised pork belly looked bomb and the judges liked it. And yet she still hasn’t landed in the top three for any challenge, and even on her best week so far, she still made a dish that made Tom Colicchio roll his eyes. Not great, Bob! Yes, I’m ranking her lower than this week’s eliminated chef.

11. (+1) Massimo Piedimonte

AKA: Sylvio Celine-Dionnte. G-oui-do. Le Situación. French Horn. The Muffin Man.

Elimination Challenge Dish: Lamb tartare with ras el hanout crisp.

Judges’ Critique(s): "I had a harder time finding the date." "It's mushy."

It’s funny to have to put a “+1” next to Massimo and Paula in the rankings, as if they’re making subtle strides and climbing the ranks and not just staying in the same place. That’s the drawback of doing power rankings for a competition that loses a competitor each week. I suppose we could come up with a Sabremetric to fix this issue but math isn’t really the point here.

Anyway, Massimo. He sure is loud, isn’t he?? Ha ha ha! It’s actually a credit to Massimo that a guy with this much bravado hasn’t turned bitter and lashed out after a losing streak this prolonged. There were some brief glimpses of that in the interview after the Quickfire, but it’s a credit to Massimo that he hasn’t gone full heel turn yet.

In any case… he’s still here. This week he went head-to-head with Cesar, both of them cooking… or really… not cooking… a lamb tartare. Massimo lost that one, soundly, and yet was never really in the conversation for this week’s elimination. The conspiracy theorist in me wants to blame that on Massimo just being better for TV, but based on what I’ve seen from Top Chef, this explains why half the chefs make tartares, crudos, ceviches, and aguachiles every week: a badly-cooked protein is somehow always seen as a greater sin than a subpar raw one for whatever reason.

By the way, did you catch Massimo’s pronunciation of “lamb tartare with ras el hanout?” Dude was rolling Rs that weren’t even there.

10. (-7) ((Eliminated)) Zubair Mohajir

AKA: Woolly Willy. Zubaz. Stonks.

Elimination Challenge Dish: Seared duck breast with shermal.

Judges’ Critique(s): "Have to chew that duck for a while." "A lot of the components were a miss for me." "It looks like nobody took a second bite."

Okay, here is where the rankings start to get wonky: yes, Stonks got eliminated this week. As soon as he turned in both a badly-cooked protein and an undercooked starch you knew that he was properly cooked. Being that he was eliminated, it would be traditional (and logical) to put Zubair last in the rankings. And yet my logic here is that, not having seen this week’s Last Chance Kitchen yet as I write this, I still give Zubaz a better chance to win this competition than Paula or Massimo.

Maybe he should’ve just served duck tartare. Is that a thing?

9. (even) Henry Lu

AKA: Shaolin.

Elimination Challenge Dish: Seared Duck breast with brown sugar corn syrup glaze.

Judges’ Critique(s): "I don't know if it read butter tart to me." "It's very flaccid.”

Damn. I had Henry as a favorite early on, but he’s been sliding down these rankings ever since, like so much flaccidly cooked duck. Where Zubair tried to pan sear his duck, Henry attempted to sous vide his, which seemed like a good idea at the time. That’s the whole point, right? You can get it in the water circulator and bring it up to temp and then just sear the fat side crispy at the end?

Seems logical enough to me, but it didn’t end up working out. Part of me wonders if what happened to truffle oil is now happening with sous vide. We were all (myself included) maybe a little too impressed with this new toy when it came out, and now the judges seem like they’re overcompensating the other way, partly out of shame. Sous vide??? How dare you!! That’s so three years ago in my own kitchen!

I kind of wonder if Henry’s critiques might’ve been a little less harsh if he hadn’t copped to using the sous vide method. Then again, Henry and Zubair cooked duck in completely different ways and it worked out terrible for both of them, so maybe it was just shitty duck.

8. (even) Lana Lagomarsini

AKA: Breeze. L Train. Choach. B+.

Elimination Challenge Dish: Cacao potato gnocchi.

Judges’ Critique(s): "This dish was kind of a miss." "It felt very heavy for me."

Is anyone shocked that B+ finished an episode without making the top or bottom three in either challenge? That’s been her MO this entire time. At least this week the reviews for her dish weren’t ambiguous. True, that was because they were uniformly negative, but at least it was something (“Say what you will about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it’s an ethos.”).

Lana’s cacao potato gnocchi with braised lamb at least sounded pretty good to me, though even Lana worried that the cacao color made the gnocchi look a lot like little turds. Cacao gnocchi… caca gnocchi… I mean what did you expect.

7. (+3) Cesar Murillo

AKA: Nerdy Eric Balfour. Eric Balfoureyes. Hispanic Patrick Fischler. Patrick Fisch Tacos. Tiny Papillote. Lil Papi.

Elimination Challenge Dish: Lamb tartare with date and shallot purée.

Judges Critique(s): "I really enjoyed the texture, but for me a little too much heat." "I loved it."

Chef Cesar won the lamb tartare battle! Which meant… well, not a whole lot, as it turned out. He got to stay in the competition, but then so did Massimo. Sort of a high ceiling/low floor situation on raw lamb I guess was the takeaway. Lil Papi hasn’t shown us much since he won the judges’ hearts with his tiny small envelope of steamed veg in episode one, but I’m not quite ready to give up on him yet. He’s hungry. He’s… wiry.

6. (-4) Katianna Hong

AKA: Veep. Hot Lips O’Houlihong.

Elimination Challenge Dish: Rye porridge with molasses glazed mushrooms and raspberries.

Judges Critique(s): "Katianna's porridge is not my jam-jam." "I loved the bright raspberry."

Hot Lips sped to the front of the class last week after she jacked off some licorice knobs and lubed them up with Pernod, but this week seemed like another instance of her out-of-the-box thinking maybe working against her. Rye porridge with mushrooms and raspberries, huh?

That’s the kind of out-of-the-box thinking that makes people yearn for the box. Bring back the box! Hey, you know with the box we had it pretty good. The box holds all the stuff!

That being said, Katianna’s sub-par porridge did provide fodder for Top Chef’s unacknowledged segment, Tom Colicchio’s Dad Pun Of The Week™. “Katrina porridge is not my jam-jam,” Colicchio quipped, with a smirk as big as one of his statement hats.

A lot of the puns are mid, but the look of extreme satisfaction on Tom’s face every time he delivers one is sublime. I will say that it does bode well for Katianna that even her weirdest-sounding dishes usually don’t send her to judges table.

5. (+2) Kat Turner

AKA: Frau Farbissina. Sprockets. Karla Hungus. Parker Parsley. Mustard Custard.

Elimination Challenge Dish: Nanaimo Duck Breast with mustard custard.

Judges’ Critique(s): "I think she did a fantastic job."

Kat has been receiving high marks for the past two episodes now, but with two top-three finishes in a row this episode she’s officially on a heater. She did so well this episode that she finally earned herself a backstory package revealing her past as a burlesque dancer. Four episodes? My goodness, what restraint. If she had appeared on any season of Top Chef prior to 10, we would’ve seen at least five burlesque-based montages so far.

I actually thought Kat was going to be the chef that would get under my skin this season, but instead she has grown on me like a fungus. A fungus with aggressively geometric bangs.

4. (even) Vincenzo Loseto

AKA: Vinny Apple Soup. Michael Squara.

Elimination Challenge Dish: Roasted potatoes with chocolate glaze and caviar vin blanc.

Judges’ Critique(s): "I love that he made a dish where the star was potato."

Vinny looked like the chef to beat after episode one, when he produced soup from a smoke-filled apple and wowed the judges with his skillful consomme. Since then he hasn’t produced so much as a top three finish, making him something of a conundrum in these rankings. I’ve gone out on a limb keeping Vinny Apple Soup in the top five, but I tend to think my hunch here is justified. He may not have finished in the top three again this week, but god damn, just look at this thing:

That is literally chocolate-glazed potato balls submerged in a salmon egg soup, and it somehow looks delicious. Putting onion hats on the chocolate potato balls really ties the dish together, I feel. I’m still convinced that Vinny is a sorcerer (should we change his name to Vinny Chocolate Soup?).

Vinny also noted his slight resemblance Michael Cera this week, and I can sort of see it. He looks a little like Michael Cera with a square head and sideways face. I’m calling him Michael Squara.

3. (-2) Shuai Wang

AKA: The Big Chill. Shugaze. Mumbles.

Elimination Challenge Dish: Tsukune with raspberry pepper jelly.

Judges’ Critique(s): "I didn't love the texture of the meatball." "It's such a vinegary dish."

In my heart, lovable, mumbly Shuai is still the odds-on favorite to win this competition, but he didn’t do himself any favors this week (which was a real bitch to rank, pretty much from top-to-bottom). He thought he was being clever with his meatball made from partly cooked and partly raw meat, but the judges weren’t really feeling it, or the sauce. No one likes spongy, vinegary balls, bro. Trust me.

I’m hoping his bottom-three finish this week was just the corrective Shuai needed. Sometimes you need a little whack upside the head to remind you to stop being so weird. Call it the public school effect.

2. (+3) Tristen Epps

AKA: Big Baby. Hot Dog. Steph No-Curry.

Notable Quote: "It looks like a panettone that had a rough life."

Elimination Challenge Dish: Pepperpot with braised lamb, lamb fat madeleine.

Judges’ Critique(s): "I gotta ask him for the recipe for these madeleines." "It's a fantastic dish."

Big Baby is on something of a heater himself, with two top-three elimination challenge finishes in a row — albeit with a bottom-three quickfire sandwiched in between. The editors did their best to paint Big Baby as the Cliff Clavin of this year’s crew, always quick with the little-known facts. As a born know-it-all, I do appreciate that about him. That being said, where was he when these dumbasses were calling ginger a fruit? No true snoot should let that one slide.

Still, he had the judges eating out of his hand with his pepperpot braise and lamb fat madeleine. That did look truly delicious, and I don’t often say that about savory cookies made from tallow. He took home this week’s win, and it was a true toss-up whether to put him at number one this week.

He also keeps getting the line of the episode, from "The Top Chef kitchen smells like East Flatbush” last week to “It looks like a panettone that had a rough life." God only knows what he could’ve done with the Wikipedia entry for Figgy Duff. Dude did you know it’s a traditional bag pudding commonly served as part of a Jiggs Dinner? Have some fun with that. Let it roll around in your brain for a while, say it out loud a few times. A traditional bag pudding served with a Jiggs dinner. Great mouthfeel.

1. (+4) Corwin Hemming

AKA: Tan Shaolin. Eric Flan-dre.

Elimination Challenge Dish: Jerk marinated fried chicken.

Judges’ Critique(s): "Yum."

Including last week, that makes three consecutive top-three finishes for Corwin, albeit without a win. Tough choices all around this week, but in the end I’m giving Eric Flandre the top spot based on consistency. Also, that jerk-spiced fried chicken drowned in a sweet sauce made me want to deepthroat my TV. Holy hell, how did that not win? Jerk me up another chicken just like that, boss.

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Last Chance Kitchen Addendum

Bailey beat Zubair, and it looks like she will be rejoining the competition. Of course she did. Why would anything good happen on Last Chance Kitchen this year? It would spoil the fun! I hope you all enjoy me being driven progressively crazier by each cutesiquirky aside.