Top Chef Power Rankings, Week 9: A Towering Tie-In
The chefs cooked mussels, edge-walked on the CN Tower, and cooked "stunt food" for a Mission Impossible tie-in.
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A Towering Tie-In, Or: Totally Dis-Custard
Well, folks, it’s week nine. That means it’s getting down to the wire here on Top Chef: Destination Canada. But, you know, not that down to the wire, because still have four or five episodes left. Call it the pre-finale-destination lull. And that means… uh… a movie tie-in episode, I guess!
And guess which movie! Or don’t, because I’ll just tell you! It was an episode promoting Mission Impossible: The Final Reckoning. (aka Mission Impossible Dead Reckoning Part 2, aka Mission Impossible 8).
Wow, that’s a big movie! And to introduce it, the studio lights went dim, the kitchen filled with fog, and they beamed in some alarm system lasers for Kristen Kish to do a catburglar over! I would’ve liked to see her do an Entrapment-style thing with them, but oh well.
Sadly, no, it was just a tasteful little step over (in heels). But I get it, it’s a different world now. You can’t even leer at Catherine Zeta-Jones’ supple, slightly-parted butt cheeks anymore! Probably because of WOKE! I’m going to buy Cybertruck made out of guns and name it Ret*rd! Are you triggered now, libs??? (*accidentally backs over my large stepson Braxxtyn*)
I digress, but for a hot second there, I actually wondered if they might bring out Tom Cruise himself to judge the challenge. After all, there’s nothing that little guy loves more than to travel around the world promoting Mission Impossible and doing death-defying stunts.
But then I got a hold of myself and realized that no, of course Tom Cruise isn’t judging a cooking competition episode on Top Chef. Aside from being far too busy dangling, there’s no chance Tom’s handlers would ever let him eat normal-people food. And on national television no less! Actual organic products would probably interact with the space-age polymers and cutting-edge synthetics Swiss scientists replace Tom Cruise’s blood with with every 2.5 days to keep him looking permanently 43. It would ruin his resale value! No people food for Tom, he needs to play volleyball!
Instead Kristen Kish opened up a briefcase revealing… a pre-recorded video!
“Hey, it’s ya boy, Greg ‘Tarzan’ Davis,” began the handsome gentleman in the box. Granted it was all in my head, but it was a long fall from “live appearance by Tom Cruise” to pre-recorded video message from Greg “Tarzan” Davis.
Anyway, Tarzan Davis! My boy! He went on to explain to the competitors that their task would be to “Create a dish that delivers on that ‘impossible mission intensity’ and features a stunt. In addition, each of you will be given the chance to perform a real-life, heart-pounding stunt.”
The real-life stunt in question was the Edge Walk around Toronto’s CN Tower. What does the CN stand for? We may never know. The stunt was actually some nice B-roll, with a nice wrinkle too: that the chefs would get an extra 30 minutes for leaning over the edge (fully attached to the harness). Weird, but I was for it. Who cares? It’s TV. Make these fuckers bungee jump.
The challenge was to be judged by a Who’s Who of Who’s That-style people, along with Tarzan Davis and two-time Top Chef winner Buddha Lo. Wow, Tarzan Davis and Buddha Lo? Who else will be there, Jesus Jones? Godzilla McGillicutty?
It was actually fun to see Buddha just sort of chilling out for once, not to mention experiencing Massimo for the first time. A stunt-food challenge also seemed right up his alley, and one contestant even came through with a signature Buddha wellington. Tarzan Davis was a pretty solid guest judge too, even if he seemed kind of pissed about not getting dessert. Someone get this dude a bread pudding or something!
Ah, but there was also a Quickfire Challenge before all that. Tom and Gail even showed up, delivering the news that now, the Quickfire Challenges would be taken into consideration when deciding eliminations. Wait, you guys weren’t already doing that? Okay, sure, whatever.
For the occasion, Tom wore some kind of plaid shirt jacket:
And with the top button sluttily unbuttoned, ooh la la! And hey, are those pleated pockets?? My my, how fancy, it looks prom night in Moosejaw.
Anyhoo, they announced was to be an homage to Prince Edward Island (PEI) and its famous mussels. Though the judges stipulated, “don’t you dare just steam them in white wine and garlic or some bullshit.”
I was inclined to ridicule them for banning the most obvious and best way to cook mussels, but it’s hard to deny that watching the chefs make mussel sandwiches and mussel tempura ended up being much better TV than it probably would’ve been if they’d just made seven bowls of steamed mussels. I’ll eat it, but it doesn’t exactly “pop” on camera.
Meanwhile, if there was any challenge that typified Top Chef’s occasionally tortured judging process, it was the “stunt” challenge. Aside from the obvious question of how much any edible product can be delicious and also a “stunt,” this week’s judging produced an interesting conundrum. One chef, for instance, tried to use dry ice for some extra pizzazz, and ended up actually freezing his dish solid. Like, into complete inedibility. It was both a really good stunt perfectly applicable to the Mission Impossible theme, and yet perfectly inapplicable to a food challenge, being that you couldn’t eat it.
“If the mission was to make ice pop out of raw beef... awesome,” said Tom Colicchio, after which he made this face:
Ain’t I a stinker?? That’s the face of a man who knows when he’s just landed a good one.
Beyond that though, this elimination actually raised some existential questions. Because the guy who made the inedible ice pop didn’t end up going home. I’ve often poked fun at this show because of the way it seems to run based on negatives. Never serve a duo or a trio, that just gives the judges more things to critize. Minimize the proteins, because the judges love to ding you for miscooked proteins. This has led to the chefs on this show making a preposterous amount of raw preparations every week (crudo, ceviche, aguachile, tartare, etc), presumably at least partly on the assumption that leaving actual cooking out of the equation again gives the judges one less thing to criticize.
All of which sort of begs the question: Is the perfect Top Chef dish one that displays technique and creativity but without lending itself to the possibility of actually being consumed? Is the perfect Top Chef dish actually an empty plate? For get trios, forget duos, forget unos! You will get nothing and like it! This week’s elimination, which actually came down to two tartares, well, I’m not saying they made the wrong choice (I think it was actully the correct one), but it certainly did nothing to dispel that criticism. Hopefully no one reads the writing on the wall and starts serving raw nada.
Results:
Quickfire Top: Lana*. Vinny. Tristen. Shuai.
Quickfire Bottom: Cesar. Massimo. Bailey.
Elimination Top: Tristen, Bailey, Massimo*.
Elimination Bottom: Vinny, Lana, Cesar**.
(*Winner. **Eliminated)
Power Rankings (change from last week)
7. (-2) ((Eliminated)) César Murillo
AKA: Nerdy Eric Balfour. Eric Balfoureyes. Hispanic Patrick Fischler. Patrick Fisch Tacos. Tiny Papillote. Lil Papi.
Ranking History (recent to oldest): 7 5 5 2 5 7 8 3.
Riff on Mussels: Beets and coconut milk.
Elimination Challenge Dish: Arctic char tartare with custard in a miniature CN Tower glass.
Judges’ Critique(s): "Needed some acidity to cut through that sweetness." "Inconsistently cooked." “Too sweet.”
Yes, Chef César’s char tartare lost to another tartare that the judges couldn’t actually eat, which had to be pretty embarrassing. César really outdid himself with his dish, both in terms of it being incredibly creative, and in the literal sense that he overestimated his own ability to executive the dish he’d conceived.
The root issue seems to be that he planned for kind of a lame stunt — the “stunt” of pairing custard and tartare — and then discovered a better one halfway through — serving the dish in a “CN Tower” and having the diner “infiltrate” it by breaking a “glass” touile at the top. Sorry for all the quotation marks.
The plating was such a cool idea that he didn’t really need the weird pairing: a sweet + fish + custard + turmeric + lettuce dish (??) that didn’t seem to work for anyone. You knew Cesar was in trouble when Tom tasted his dish and made this face:
That no one liked it, combined with Cesar’s bottom-three finish in the Quickfire, was enough to send him home. I couldn’t really disagree with the decision.
However, consider this thought experiment: imagine if it had been César who tried to plate his fish custard touile deal above a small dry-ice bath (which actually would’ve looked badass, if perhaps a little too 9/11-y). All the judges would’ve seen was his badass concept and plating and they wouldn’t have been able to taste his sugary turmeric lettuce fish surprise. In that situation, does César still go home?
I guess it would sort of depend how Vinny’s dish tasted, but… uh, food for thought, anyway. But off went César to Top Chef purgatory and hey, there are worse things to known for than taking big swings.
6. (+1) Bailey Sullivan
AKA: Lisa Frank. Tchochkies. Il Mano Italiano. Manic Pixie Dream Chef.
Ranking History: 6 7 7 7 8.
Riff on Mussels: Mezcal flambé.
Elimination Challenge Dish: Tiramisu Fugazi, aka lasagna that looks like tiramisu.
Judges’ Critique(s): "It is very satisfying." "Crepes are a little thick and doughy, but it did look like a tiramisu.”
Bailey really worked smarter, not harder this week. With all the insane dishes the other chefs did, from a baked trout-en-croute to a stuffed chicken wing to a turducken and the couple goofy-ass tartares, Bailey’s looked like the only one I could’ve concievably pulled off myself. Credit to her that she made a creative dish out of pretty straightforward components, and it still read suitably stunt-like. And also managed to still look (and sound) like something you’d actually want to eat. Hard to go wrong with bolognese and bechemel-drenched starch (also olive oil powder on top, which is whatever). It even had a good name. Tiramisu Fugazi!
I think Bailey might even have won, if not for being in the bottom of the quickfire. Trying desperately to think outside of the white-wine-and-garlic box, her great mussel innovation seemed to be something along the lines of: what if I just plated the broth without the shells?
You fool! No white wine and garlic doesn’t mean no starch! The starch is the best part of the mussel!
Unsurprisingly, the judges did not seem wowed by three unshelled oysters in a green brother. The biggest question after this episode is whether we’ll get apple broth Bailey or tiramisu fugazi Bailey from here on out.
5. (+1) Massimo Piedimonte
AKA: Sylvio Celine-Dionnte. Gouido. Pietro Le Pew. Le Situación. French Horn.
Ranking History: 5 6 6 6 9 11 12 11.
Riff on Mussels: Smoked mussel zucchini blossom sandwich.
Elimination Challenge Dish: Trout en Croute.
Judges’ Critiques: "I thought it was fantastic." "Seasoned great, executed well."
Massimo got outdueled by Tristen in the quickfire, when they both made a mussel/zucchini blossom pairing. Sadly for Massimo, only Tristen made the top three there. I’m still unclear on why Massimo called his a “sandwich” when they both just looked like tempura-fried mussel wrapped in a squash blossom, so it could’ve been a nomenclature issue. To be clear, I would crush a deep fried mussel, whatever you call it.
But then Massimo battled back in the elimination round to take home the big win, thanks to nailing a trout-en-croute (a Frenchified, fishy take on the beef Wellington) before the Wellington king himself, Buddha Lo. Oi, noice wellie, cunt! Fackin’ oath, that’s good as, mate.
Actually the best part of the show was Buddha encountering Massimo for the first time and not being able to control his laughter. I think Buddha thought he was a wind-up toy.
Interestingly, Massimo was one of two chefs who didn’t lean over the edge of the CN Tower. That meant he had 30 minutes less to work with, while making probably the most time-consuming dish. I actually wished the show would’ve given us a bit more explanation of how Massimo did that. I guess it involved pre-rolling his pastry dough and then sealing it inside vacuum bags for some kind of ice bath? Sounds complicated!
Based on Massimo’s big win and Bailey’s big runner up, you might think they deserve to go higher on this list. I won’t see that’s entirely wrong, but the decision seems to come down to whether you interpret this episode as a harbinger of things to come, or a deviation from the norm. To me the stunt challenge played specifically to Massimo’s strengths (showmanship, presentation) and to Lana’s weaknesses (straightforward food is kind of her whole deal — she notably tried to talk Vinny out of his apple soup in episode one). Certainly you could make a case for bumping Bailey and Massimo up a few spots here, but I’m going with my gut and my gut says Lana still goes higher.
4. (even) Lana Lagomarsini
AKA: Breeze. L Train. Choach. B+. Jessa.
Rankings History: 4 4 3 6 8 9 10
Riff on Mussels: Mussel hero.
Elimination Challenge Dish: Fried fish basket torchon.
Judges’ Critique(s): "It just didn't hit the mark for me." "The fried pile of cornmeal didn't taste right to me."
One of the big questions this week: does Lana go home if she hadn’t won the quickfire? I say… PROBABLY.
Lana admitted that TRICKERY and SUBTERFUGE weren’t really her “thing” (she’s such a Jessa). And she sure wasn’t wrong. Her big “stunt” was trying to do a fish torchon that would taste like her mom’s fish fry. She tried to execute this by just putting a little pile of cornmeal crumbs next to her torchon. Ta da!
Not a great trick, let’s be honest. Instead of the fried crumbs, what if she had just deep-fried some cornmeal batter? Don’t act like you’ve never eaten the batter balls at the bottom of some fried chicken or tempura. I sure have. Maybe a torchon on top of some kind of flat crispy hushpuppy-type thing? Eh, probably it was just a bad concept to begin with. Making fish taste like fried fish without frying it isn’t the most amazing trick even if you nail it.
But I’m still ranking Lana above Bailey and Massimo, partly because I love her Jessa energy, and partly because I really feel like this challenge was her kryptonite. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing! When I want to eat, I just want some food, I don’t need to be punked. Not everyone is cut out for a life of trickery! Is this Top Chef or Top Turkish Ice Cream Vendor?
