Top Chef Power Rankings, Week 9: What We Think About When We Think About Haroset
From cranberry dunk tanks to indigenous cuisine, the chefs have entered a world where eliminations are multiple and quickfires matter. Also, never cook meat for Tom Colicchio.
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Are Top Chef challenges more entertaining when they’re logical and straightforward, or when they’re capricious and impossible? That was the big question this week, which gave us a straightforward, relevant challenge with logical limitations. Art thrives under limitations, as they say, but maybe it’s a little more fun watching some James Beard Award winner attempt to construct a farro monument to the legacy of Babe Didrikson-Zaharias, only to be driven to tears through merciless criticism of their gummy monkfish. Anyway, something to ponder.
This week’s episode took us from a cranberry dunk tank to a family dinner celebrating indigenous cuisine. But first! A warning. From now on, Kristen Kish informed the contestants, the Quickfires would matter. And immunity for elimination challenge wins is over.
“It’s a whole new show now,” Kristen said.
And… is it???
I’m not convinced. I tend to think they were always taking the quickfires and all of the chefs’ previous dishes into account in each challenge, even if they said they weren’t, or maybe weren’t even admitting it to themselves. There’s no way that kind of knowledge isn’t going to have an effect. Brilliant analysis! I call this segment Inside The Mind Of Tom Colicchio.
The first challenge under this Shocking New Paradigm: cranberries. That’s right, the chefs were tasked with producing a culinary homage to the greatest Irish pop-rock band of the 90s. Would they let their flavors linger? What could they cook with their tanks, and theit bombs, and their bombs, and their guns? ay ay oh, AYEEEEYEEEEYAAAA AAYYYYYY…
I’m kidding, of course. It was meant to celebrate the cranberry, America’s most situationally-specific fruit. How would they highlight a fruit that’s only really good dried, in a sugar-filled sauce eaten once a year, or as a juice used to cure bladder infections? Why, they’d throw it on some Chilean sea bass and pork tenderloin, of course. Zzzzzzz…
Okay, so that challenge was kind of a bust. But after that, it was time to celebrate indigenous culture with representatives from Wisconsin’s native tribes. Did you know that the word “Milwaukee” actually comes from Mile waukey, the Ojibwa, Potawatomi, and Menominee terms for “The Good Land?”
Duh, of course I knew that. I learned it from Alice Cooper in Wayne’s World.
Okay fine, so he actually says “Algonquin,” which is incorrect. This is why you don’t get your history from Alice Cooper (and because he’s a staunch Republican).
The challenge? Create a dish highlighting Native cuisine using only indigenous ingredients. That meant: no wheat flour, no refined sugar, no dairy, citrus, pork, or beef. It was… actually a really good challenge. The rules are tough, but not at all cruel or arbitrary. I’m not sure it led to better TV than them trying to build a Frank Lloyd Wright house out of risotto, but it was cool.
When guest judge Sean Sherman asked which of the chefs had ever been to a restaurant serving Native cuisine, no one raised their hands. Which was… dare I say, kind of moving. It’s pretty sad that you can have at least four different choices of shitty SUV named after a Native tribe but can’t even eat their food at a restaurant.
Anyway, with no pantry and no shopping, the chefs were left to fight over a limited set of ingredients sourced from some local indigenous run businesses. “It’s like being in a mosh pit,” said Chef Soo when they were jockeying for ingredients.
A mosh pit, you say? Dammit, Manny should’ve crushed this one.
RESULTS
QUICKFIRE TOP: Dan. Danny*. Michelle.
QUICKFIRE BOTTOM: Laura (sandy). Manny (sabayon). Amanda (not creative enough).
ELIMINATION TOP: Savannah*, Soo, Dan.
ELIMINATION BOTTOM: Michelle, Amanda**, Laura**
*Winner. **Eliminated.
POWER RANKINGS
8. (even) ((Eliminated)) Laura Ozyilmaz
AKA: Yogurt Soup. Zed. Z-Squared. Ozyilmandias. Oz-matazz. The Wizard of Ozyilmaz. Wild Pistachio. Ruthless. Gamebred. The Sphynx.
Sharp-eyed viewers knew it was all over for Oz-Matazz the second Tom made this face:
He was doing that before he’d even taken a bite! Brutal. That’s a face that conveys, loudly and clearly, “Dafuq?” (“…and may I add, ‘dis bitch.’”)
He wasn’t the only one. When Laura introduced her dish, a “Duck tamal wrapped in mustard greens with huckleberry sauce and haroset,” Gail Simmons’ response was “Haroset?!”
She was incredulous. Dumbfounded. Apoplectic. She too had yet to taste the dish at this point, but questioned the very name in roughly the same tone of voice as “New York City?!? …Get a rope.”
(Christ, do I have any cultural references that aren’t from 1993?)
Anyway, the judges went full Mean Girls on Laura’s ass, and it felt like we never got a clear accounting of why. For the record, haroset is “made from diced apple, toasted walnuts, a touch of cinnamon and a shower of sweet Passover wine … meant to represent the mortar used by the Israelites when they were slaves in Egypt.”
Mmm, mortar. As Gail said, “You know all the things I think about when I think about haroset, they just didn't come across.”
Which raises the question, what do we think about when we think about haroset? Mortar, mostly. Slavery. The pharoahs?
In any case, the half-assed haroset with “dry” tamal wasn’t even Laura’s original sin. It was merely the last straw, after her similarly pilloried attempt at using cranberries for a fesenjoon (a stew from Northern Iran made with pomegranate). That seemed like a good idea, but apparently the walnuts she used turned out gritty and the finished product kind of looked like dog vomit. Oops.
Other than that, Laura’s food has mostly looked and sounded pretty good (to me) this season. And yet, the judges have had almost nothing good to say about it. And so most of Laura’s contribution to the show has been gaslighting Chef Dan and demonstrating which chefs absolutely cannot pronounce her name correctly (looking at you, Danny).
Ah, well. Alas.
DISH: Duck tamal wrapped in mustard greens with huckleberry sauce and haroset.
REVIEWS: “Just way too much happening here.” “I can't really pick the flavors apart, it's not making sense for me.”
7. (-1) Amanda Turner
AKA: Daria. LAN Party. Milton. Grimace.
For most of this season, I’ve been enjoying the eccentric nerdiness Amanda brings to the competition. But it felt like she turned the Daria dial up past 11 this week and now I’m kind of losing my mind. For the love of God, could you open your mouth just a little when you speak?? You have become a creature composed entirely of vocal fry!
I’m shitting on her a little bit, but I felt a little bad for her bottom three finish in the cranberry challenge. When I saw her fried chicken and hoe cake, I actually said “mmm” out loud to my TV. That being said, the prompt was “…don’t just make us a cranberry sauce” and Amanda pretty much just made them a cranberry sauce (though I think there were also cranberries in the hoe cake).
Monday Morning Quarterbacking a little bit, I think it might’ve played if she’d made a cranberry glaze and coated the fried chicken in it, like a Buffalo wing/orange chicken situaish. Just spitballing over here.
For the elimination challenge, Amanda made an elk tataki with a duck fat tortilla and confit mushrooms. All of which, again, sounded pretty good. But the judges seemed thrown by what looked like an attempt to combine a tataki, a tartare, a taco, and a mole. That’s too many things! And they all complained about the overbearing sauce. No one said it, but the fact that a tataki usually has a sauce whose main ingredients are soy sauce and sugar, both of which she couldn’t use, may have played a factor.
That being said, it didn’t seem like the judges hated it that much, so when Chef Daria got double elimnified along with the obvious choice Laura, it felt like a surprise. Did she get a raw deal?? Or maybe just a lightly seared one, tataki style??? I lean towards yes, but then maybe the judges just got tired of that voice.
DISH: Elk tataki tartare, confit mushrooms, pipian rojo, duck fat tortilla.
REVIEWS: "I'm not quite sure what she had wanted to do with the corn cake." "I did love the mushrooms." "I felt like it was really disjointed."
6. (even) Manny Barella
AKA: Manny. El Cid Vicious. Brawny.
Everyone who reads these knows that Manny is one of my favorites, but it’s gotten to the point that I slap my forehead every time he starts making a French sauce. What are you doing, man?!
I actually slapped myself in the head once when Manny said he was cooking a pork tenderloin for the cranberry challenge (the same dish he nearly went home for last week!) and nearly knocked myself out when he added “…with a sabayon.”
What the hell, man, knock it off with the French shit. During the Native family dinner, when Manny tasted the braised bison and said it reminded him of barbacoa, I thought to myself “Great, finally he gets it!”
And then he went on to cook… a god damned pan-roasted duck breast. Oy. I was actually surprised when Manny managed to stay out of the bottom three despite allegedly chewy duck. Quit it with the French sauces and throw your pork tenderloins out the window.
DISH: Duck breast with braised mustard greens, wild rice cake; ancho, guajillo, and plum sauce.
REVIEWS: "I liked the rice cake, I think the sauce worked well, the duck I wasn't so fond of, it was too chewy for me." "It all felt very separate to me."
5. (+2) Savannah Miller
AKA: Funko. Peepers. Sporty Spice. Fryer Tuck. Big Pun. Bell Curve.
Big week for Bell Curve this week. Huge. Remember what I said about desserts last week?
Sure, no one wants to cook a dessert. But here’s the thing about desserts: they’re forgiving. You can kind of just throw as much sugar, butter, and cream at them as you want and no one will complain. No chance Tom Colicchio is ever going to judge a brulee or a crumble as unmercifully as he does a pork tenderloin, are you insane?
It felt like Savannah must’ve been able to see the future and read that post, because this week she correctly surmised that being the only chef to attempt a dessert (in a challenge without flour or sugar, no less) would give her the edge. She ended up turning in a dessert so good it made Kristen Kish swear with glee.
Savannah seems to do better when she forgets to try to turn everything into Japanese food and just kind of goes with the challenge (the opposite of Manny in that way).
Whereas she didn’t get much screentime early in the season, the editors feel like they’re starting to cement Savannah as the resident know-it-all. Polish sausage challenge? “Oh yeah, I lived in Poland as a child.” Cranberries? “Last year I was R&Ding cranberries for like two months.” Sean Sherman guest judging? “I just read Sean’s cookbook before I came.”
Settle down, George Santos, not everything is about you!
To be fair, sharp-eyed viewers will note that Savannah did have “cranberries” written on her vision mirror at the beginning of the episode:
Also, recipes on the mirror? What is this, Good Will Hunting? (1997— shit!)
Anyway, Savannah Beautiful Mind-ed her way to a victory this week, but I’m not quite a believer yet.
DISH: Squash and maple jelly cake with aronia berries, grapes, and plum jelly.
REVIEWS: "That fucking dessert's good." "It's amazing." "She nailed the brief."
4. (-3) Michelle Wallace
AKA: Pitmaster. Soundbite. Levee. Maillard Angelou.
Michelle had a down week this week, obviously, but it didn’t seem like she was ever in legitimate danger of going home. For the most part, I’m still a believer. She made the critical error of trying to crisp up her rabbit in the pizza oven right before service and knew she overdid it, but by then it was too late. (In my experience, rabbit is kind of dry and sticks to your teeth on its best day. Of course, my experience is limited to maaaaybe four or five rabbits in my entire life. I mean what do I look like over here, the freakin’ Big Bad Wolf?).
In the end I don’t think it really mattered (she was only there to make the eliminations feel less obvious), but this was an episode in which the judges avowed that the Quickfire Challenge would count for something, and Michelle landed herself in the top three in that. This with her cranberry borscht with foie gras — a typically good idea and delicious-sounding dish from Michelle. She does have a way with those things (I will never shut up about “toasted corn kernel and crab biscuit with spicy High Life honey butter”).
For the most part, Michelle makes stuff that always sounds really good, even when the judges say it’s not. When she screws up, it’s usually with something forgivable, like crisping her rabbit a minute or two too long. That could end up being a problem for Michelle, because if there’s one thing to know about Tom Colicchio, it’s that he’s the Reinhard Heydrich of imperfectly cooked protein. Please, if you like being on this show, never prepare this man big piece of protein as the main component of a dish.
DISH: Acorn squash polenta cake, braised rabbit, smoked onion, and mushrooms.
REVIEWS: "I think the texture of the cake is a little soft." "It has tons of flavor."
3. (even) Danny Garcia
AKA: Grok. Squeaky. Brooklyn. Stretch. Hype-bot. Subsidy.
Look, I’m going to level with you guys: I don’t have many great reasons for ranking Danny, who won this week’s Quickfire, this low. It’s just really tight at the top, and Danny has the feeling of someone whose objective hyper competence seems to lack personal flair in some way. Am I totally insane for thinking this? He’s kind of like Meryl Streep after her seventh or eighth Oscar nomination. If she did like three straight movies about Chilean sea bass (sorry, sometimes I forget how to do similes).
So yeah, Danny did a Chilean sea bass poached in cranberry juice for the Quickfire, which he won. Sounds great if you like the most basic of fancy fishes and not getting bladder infections (which I begrudgingly must admit that I do). That brung his total Quickfire tally to 40 some thousand dollars. Neat! Sometimes Danny gets excited and says “let’s goooooo!”
Danny did get a nice backstory package in this episode, revealing how he converted to Islam in order to get laid. I’m exaggerating, but he did convert so that he could marry his Muslim wife. It… seems to have worked out well for him.
Then in the elimination challenge, Danny made a pheasant crepinette that he wrapped in elk caul fat. For a second there he was worried that his caul fat was too chewy, but none of the judges mentioned it so that seems to have worked out fine too. The story of Chef Danny is things working out fine. I just hope he uses that 45 grand to buy himself an edge.
DISH: Pheasant crepinette with mole and roasted sunchokes.
REVIEWS: "I liked the sunchokes, I think there was a lot of flavor in the dish." "Well we said we wanted something modern, and we got modern." (Dripping with sarcasm) "The pheasant is beautiful, you just can't taste it as much because of the sauce." "I almost feel like Danny was just trying to get as many of the ingredients into the dish."
(paywall)