Top Chef Power Rankings, Week 14: The Whole Aguachile
That's a mofong-no from me, dog.
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Note: I watch screeners most weeks, but this week’s screener came without the last ten minutes, so I wrote the most of this week’s recap before I actually knew who won. I didn’t find out until it aired here on the west coast. So my thoughts on the outcome are mostly all at the end.
Well, folks, another season of Top Chef has come and gone. What did we think? I can’t help but feel a little let down. Top Chef is 18 years old now and never has it felt more adult. In the sad, having-a-job-and-responsibilities sense, not in the cool porn sense.
And maybe that makes it a little less fun. The title of “Top Chef” has grown to become such a legitimate coronation of culinary talent that it’s lost some of the scruffy outsider charm that made people interested in the chef lifestyle in the first place (Bourdain’s break out hit, Kitchen Confidential, was first published in 2000). Half of the contestants now have already won or been nominated for James Beard Awards. I say bring back schizophrenic line cooks and kooky wine ladies who inherited restaurants in the Catskills again. Shake things up!
Or, maybe there was just a relative dearth of personalities this season because sometimes that just happens. Last season certainly didn’t lack for personalities and those chefs were even more acclaimed than this season’s (their food looked better too). It could’ve also been that they kicked off the kookiest guy (David Murphy, aka Hopalong Howie the food waste cowboy) in the first episode, and some of the other more interesting ones (Rasika, Soo) didn’t make the final five. (What a fun finale Rasika, Soo, and Michelle would’ve made).
(*blowing alpine horn*) Aaaaaaaannnnnnnnyyyywaaaaaaayyyyyy…
This season’s finale first left Wisconsin behind for Curacao, and part two left behind Curacao for Aruba (it was sponsored by a cruise line, after all). Danny had a seasickness patch behind his ear the whole time but no one ever said anything about it, which I have to imagine was one of the terms outlined in the product placement deal. (Never mention seasickness! If anyone gets sick on one of our ships it’s going to be from Legionnaire’s disease!).
After some loving B-roll of Aruba and an expansive drone shot of the MS Eurodam (which sounds more like an obscure prophylactic than a boat), we were back to the competition with the three remaining chefs:
As I noted in my last write-up, we have The Favorite (Danny, right), who is also kind of the epitome of an obnoxious Zoomer, the Sentimental Favorite (Dan, left), and the Dark Horse (Savannah, center). One thing we learned right off the bat is that Dan’s head is too big for bucket hats. Damn, dog, what’s your signature dish, chocolate cookies baked in a tree? (He looks like a Keebler elf, I’m sayin).
If you’ve seen this show even once you can probably guess what happened next: they all got to choose a sous chef from the previously-eliminated contestants (well, the previous six of them, anyway, they weren’t paying for David Murphy’s ass to go to Aruba). No one chose chef Soo, which made me sad, but the show was careful to note that he and the other non-picked chefs got to enjoy the cruise! Golly!
Chef Amanda wore for the occasion… uh… a denim romper with yellow short-tights and matching fanny pack and Chuck Taylors? Do I have that right?
Honestly, I’m not mad at it. She looks like Bruce Lee in Game of Death meets the Bee Girl from the Blind Melon video. And she has a place to store her chapstick. Functional and fashion forward, I’ve no choice but to respect it.
For sous chefs, Dan chose Amanda (they both sorta cook Asian-influenced food), Danny took Manny (both Latino, I guess) and Savannah took Michelle, on account of they’re both from the south. Oh yeah, it turns out Savannah is from North Carolina. Is it just me or did that somehow never come up a single time in the entire rest of the season before this?
Of the three, Dan and Amanda seemed to work the best together. Danny kept bitching at Manny for going too slow, and for getting lost in the grocery store. Savannah got along great with Michelle (who wouldn’t?), but Michelle may have inadvertently put some terrible ideas into Savannah’s head. Danny tried to claim that him telling Manny to move faster was just his attempt to remind himself to move faster, but I don’t think anyone was buying that. We know a chefzilla when we see one; he’s the guy with the scalpeled haircut and pristine Jordans.
But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. The challenge, basically the standard Top Chef finale challenge, was to “cook the best four-course meal of your life.”
The guest judges for the occasion would include: David Zilber, Bricia Lopez, Carries Nahabedian, and Justin Pichetrungsi, who you probably haven’t heard of (David Zilber I’ve seen, he has a ton of style and an affect so lowkey he’s almost asleep), PLUS, a surprise Emeril!
I have to admit, I love surprise Emeril. And just the version of Emeril Lagasse we get on this show in general, who is less Showman Who Says “Bam!” and more kindly elder statesman of televised cooking. He seems nice!
That being said, I do wish the show would bring back Wolfgang Puck. They had him on like five years ago and he spent the whole time shouting and throwing food, and made Tom laugh so hard he had to hide his face under a table. He made one girl cry over a risotto. That was great.
Anyway, it’s the finale, so in lieu of power rankings, we might as well break this one down chef-by-chef and course-by-course.
Savannah Miller
AKA: Funko. Peepers. Sporty Spice. Fryer Tuck. Big Pun. Bell Curve. Tracy Flick.
Power Ranking going into the finale: 3
Power Ranking after episode 1: 9
Chance of winning, according to Manifold Markets: 33%
I don’t think I was entirely wrong putting Savannah in the middle of the pack in the beginning, but she definitely got a second wind after the indigenous cuisine challenge. She stopped trying to shoehorn Japanese techniques into everything and started letting the challenge itself inspire her and she finished with the most challenge victories in Wisconsin. Kind of a stunning comeback. And she clearly has that over-achiever personality, trying to win on the strength of being the best homeworker-doer. Still, it didn’t seem like her execution was quite up to the level of the other two, so you end up kind of rooting for her just because it would be a surprise.
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Dan Jacobs
AKA: Ness. Handsome Dan. Froggy Fresh. Kermit. Frames. Jordache Peterson. The Gipper. Two Frames. Herb. Mr. Peanut.
Power Ranking going into the finale: 2
Power Ranking after episode 1: 5
Chance of winning, according to Manifold Markets: 41%
Dan was the old guy, the local guy, the guy with the degenerative disease, and frequently a nicely cynical counterpoint to Danny’s hustle-grind blandness. I don’t think I ever enjoyed Dan quite as much as Rasika, Manny, Michelle, or Soo, but it would be nice to see him win for reasons already outlined.
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Danny Garcia
AKA: Grok. Squeaky. Brooklyn. Stretch. Hype-bot. Subsidy. Mousse Master. Canepa Head.
Power Ranking going into the finale: 2
Power Ranking after episode 1: 3
Chance of winning, according to Manifold Markets: 64%
I give Danny a hard time on account of he talks exactly like my stepson and nephew when they’re yelling into their Fortnite headsets. Get off my lawn, ya dang Zoomers! Go badger each other about mental health at the limited edition sneaker boutique! Ah, well, at least he doesn’t have a broccoli haircut (partly I’m jealous; curly haired men had no trendy hairstyle options when I was growing up).
Food-wise, Danny cooks high-end white tablecloth food that’s very technique-forward and hardly ever makes mistakes. His plating looks like he used a ruler and drafting table because sometimes he actually does. Danny’s competence is so plainly obvious that it makes you want to root against him (well, that and his bland soundbites. “Let’s get that money, y’all!”).
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First Course
Savannah: Salt Fish Fritter, sweet potato puree, pickled mussel habanero honey glaze.
Reviews: “It’s a great way to start out, with something by crunchy and sweet-savory.” “I thought there was some harmony there.” “The honey habanero I loved.”
Dan: Tuna tartare, grapefruit, pepper puree, garlic chips and black garlic labneh.
Reviews: “To me it’s the loudest, and I appreciate it.” “There’s something going on with the tuna.” “Can’t differentiate between the tuna and the grapefruit. I like the spice though, I keep going back to it.”
Danny: Scallop and habanero leche de tigre with breadfruit and nori tuile
Reviews: “Danny’s was very beautiful.” “The scallops were just pristine.” “This needs salt.” “A couple grains of salt make this a perfect dish.”
Course winner, based on editing (writing this before I’ve seen the last act): Savannah.
Savannah wins this round, based not only on comments from the judges, but for being the only chef not to serve a crudo variation as the opening course. A saltfish hushpuppy also just sounds good. I’ve never had a pickled mussel before but I would definitely describe myself as “mussel curious.”
Danny had the good sense to call his a “leche de tigre” (Peruvian ceviche juice, basically) in the end, but you know what he called it during prep? Aguachile! Another god damned aguachile! What was this, the sixth? The seventh aguachile this season? If I didn’t know better, I’d be convinced this entire show was being underwritten by Big Aguachile.
It was also a classic Danny dish in that you basically couldn’t tell what it was on TV. He just covered the whole thing with a brown slab. It also sounded a lot like Amar Santana’s scallop dish from last season’s restaurant wars (minus Amar’s warm butter sauce, which to be fair was probably an improvement, based on the judges’ feedback). Still, you know I’m going to break out this gif:
Dan’s looked decent, and he was very proud of his technique of sous vide-ing the tuna at a low temp to give it, in his words, a “jammy” texture. Mmm, jammy. Yep, just the way I like my fish.
I don’t even understand the physics of how a fish can be “jammy,” and no one else seemed to either. Except for Dan, who will go to his grave muttering “I meant to do it like that. I like my fish jammy.”
Even Amanda tried to warn him. Isn’t basically the entire basis for sushi and poke the fact that raw tuna has a really nice texture when you don’t do anything to it? That being said, the process would infuse the sauce into it a little more so it’s probably pretty flavorful. I bet Dan’s dish would’ve crushed without the grapefruit.
Second Course
Danny: Smoked Mussels with plantains and cabbage, cooked mussel mayo & fines herbes puree
Reviews: “I loved the cabbage. I really like all the flavors but I had a really hard time trying to figure out how to get it on my fork and then into my mouth.”
Dan: Grilled (baby) snapper, grilled pumpkin, soba cha, and smoked snapper dashi.
Reviews: “Dan’s dish was the perfect umami-ish song to seafood.” “I think Dan’s dish is simple but executed perfectly.”
Savannah: Spiny Lobster Agnolotti, Lobster broth. Smoked Marcona Almonds, Grapes.
Reviews: “The dough itself is objectively not right, technically.” “I actually like her broth.”
Course winner, based on editing: Dan.
This felt like a pretty clear win for Dan, as much because the other two screwed up as because Dan’s was good. The big drama of the episode was the fishmonger asking Dan if he wanted his sardines “cleaned” when she meant “cooked” (unless Dan just misheard, it was a little hard to tell because the fishmonger wasn’t mic’d). She ended up giving him cooked sardines, and since those were the last sardines, he had to pivot. That was good TV! His pivot ended up working out really well for him. Baby snapper sounds better to me than sardines, though it would’ve been arguably more impressive if his sardines ended up being delicious.
Danny only said “let’s go” twice this episode, by my count, but when Dan said his sobacha was inspired by Danny, Danny responded “Deadass?”
“Deadass, bro.”
In my mind, one “deadass” is worth at least three “Let’s gos.” That’s facts. Bet. You might say that’s cap, but nah, breh. It’s bussin. On God that’s bussin.
Anyway, Danny’s smoked mussels with fines herbes proved two things we already knew: Danny loves smoking seafood and fines herbes. Dude can’t get enough fines herbes. Slow down, bud, you’re gonna turn into a fines herbes!
(Fines herbes: “The canonical fines herbes of French haute cuisine comprise finely chopped parsley, chives, tarragon, and chervil.”)
During prep, Tom and Emeril questioned how Danny was going to combine a “mussel mayo” with a consommé without breaking the mayo. In the end I’m not entirely sure how he accomplished that (I guess by separating them with a pile of charred cabbage?), but it seemed like it just had too many things going on with it in general. I’m with the judges, something being a pain in the ass to eat is absolutely even if it’s delicious in every way.
Savannah was absolutely speaking my language with that lobster agnolotti, she just didn’t execute. She let Michelle handle the dough, which made sense enough based on Michelle winning a stuffed pasta challenge in episode one, but together they committed the cardinal sin of too-thick pasta dough. One of the fundamental axioms of Top Chef is however thin you think your stuffed pasta dough is, it’s probably too thick. Savannah knew it too. “I don't want to serve undercooked pasta, I also don't want to serve overcooked lobster.”
The best way to fix that? Thinner dough! When Kristen asked what the egg-to-flour ratio was on the pasta dough, Savannah said something like eight cups of flour and 12 eggs, with more yolk than whole egg. My go-to dough recipe for ravioli, which I make every Thanksgiving and Christmas (one day I’m going to learn how to do a proper agnolotti, which are probably superior on account of fewer double-dough layers) is three eggs, three yolks, two cups flour. Egg sizes vary, but 12-to-8 egg to flour seems way too low. They also seem to love the well method on this show. Purists love that, and it does allow you to do a really big batch of dough all at once, but I always use the food processor. Way easier. You have to do it in batches, but you mix for like 20 seconds, knead for two minutes, and then rest the dough for 20 minutes and it comes out great. Insanely presumptuous for me to Monday morning quarterback world class chefs, but that’s what food TV is for, isn’t it?
“Ha, what a idiot. I woulda aerated that turnip foam way better.”