One of the things about the children's "entertainment" environment today is that there is always a worse version of things you already hate.
For instance, my son loves Gecko's Garage, which is this shitty British cartoon in six minutes increments about a gecko mechanic. Formulaic, lazy, dull, but whatever, it's not actively harmful, put it on. The TV is on so I can cook dinner in peace.
Then occasionally you'll run into videos with the gecko's garage characters that use shittier animation with voices that are not quite right that I think must be done by AI?
Then there are videos of people just playing with gecko's garage toys, which for kids have the same appeal as toy commercials (the exact right setting, with all the accessory toys, plus toys from other franchises show up)
Then you find the same thing but the person playing has a more annoying voice or something.
I want to judge you for handing over your phone, but when my six year old is playing by herself with her toys, I sometimes overhear her saying "don't forget to put your guess in the comments".
Truly healthy times we're living in. We should all make our kids play a rousing game of "throw rocks at a crow carcass" like our great-grandparents.
Finally, call it stockholm syndrome maybe, but having now seen all of the Tinkerbell movies on Disney+, the amount of effort they put into the lore of the Tinkerbell universe is surprising.
Ok, definitely stockholm syndrome. Gonna go watch snippets of Boss Baby for the 26th time now. It's ReaLlY gRoWiNG oN ME!
I love this column concept. Sort of like Girlfriend Reviews for games but for movies and dads. My son is too young to make requests of the big flickering box. Right now the closest thing we’ve determined is he loves anything with birds in it. Now that he’s officially a toddler, I’m sure I don’t have long to wait for him to start drilling something into my head. I’d be delighted if that thing was Paddington, though.
Totoro, Kiki's Delivery Service, and Ponyo are all toddler safe films. Also the Roku channel has all five seasons of Richard Scarry's busytown for free. It's got some classic 90's PSA's, like to not answer the door if you're home alone.
I keep trying to convince my kid to watch 'Paddington,' but he sucks. Instead I have to watch the same goddamn 'Blaze and the Monster Machines' episodes over and over.
One of my favorite kids movies is 'Dennis the Menace' from '93. I'm not saying it's good, but goddamn do I love it. It's worth it just to see Christopher Lloyd as one of the greasiest and most unsettling villains I've ever seen in a movie made for kids. I wouldn't say he gives off pedophile vibes, but more like he'd murder a child and burn the body in a barrel if it benefitted him. At one point, he steals an apple from a 2-year-old who's inexplicably left unsupervised in the backyard (my kind of parenting) by stabbing it with a switch blade. It also has a great stop in performance by Natasha Lyonne as a horny and disinterested babysitter, Buzz from Home Alone as her idiot fuck buddy, and of course Walter Matthau is Walter Matthau, which is great.
Ebert spends half his review of that movie being like "what a colossally miscalculated character for a children's movie." He's the only thing I remember about it.
Vince, having not seen the Eternals the fan girl trope annoys me more with Kamala Khan than Rose. Rose is a civilian, I get these people seeming larger than life. Kamala has SUPER POWERS. At 16 I would have been trying to play it cool and there’s humor to be mined about Kamala playing it cool only for Captain Marvel to discover that Kamala is a massive fan and being slightly horrified.
The fangirl trope is annoying, but in this case, it is unfortunately comics correct. Haven't seen Marvels, or the Kamala Khan show - and I'm not gonna - but in the comics she is a die hard Captain Marvel fanatic.
My problem with "The Marvels" is it's impossible for me to remember anything about the Skrulls and/or Kree. I even sorta tried when the first Captain Marvel movie came out! But goddamn is it confusing and boring at the same time, so my brain just immediately deletes it all.
I need this column. As mom to two toddlers, appreciated the review and will look forward to checking out Paddington on the next rainy weekend.
We've recently gotten into the Trolls trilogy really hard. Can you please check it out and tell me if I love it because it's absolutely great or because the kids have incepted my brain?
Same tho. Once when I was home sick from school when I was 9 they took me to see The Godfather part III. I only remember this because I puked in the popcorn bucket. I have a 10-year-old stepson now and I love imagining me asking him, "Hey, you wanna go see three-hour art movie about gory dago murder?"
But yet they wouldn't take me to Star Wars when it originally came out (yes I'm old) until they went first to make sure it was appropriate. Although I guess being 5 or so is different than 9.
As someone who made it through the young kid stage (two teenagers), I can't caution you enough about giving the kid your phone in the car/restaurant as a distraction. Feels good to have the undisturbed time, but all the parents in my friend group who gave in like that ended up with really shitty teenagers. No attention span, TikTok brain, etc.
So new generations also won’t have the character-building trope of watching “whatever’s on”, or visiting a friend/your dad that doesn’t have cable if they want to watch tv. That said, not sure i could recommend being 7 years old watching the X Files each week knowing id be scared out of my damn mind.
In any case it seems lucky that he latched to onto Pixar movies. I’d like to see if he’s drawn to the Dreamworks face and then you find yourself sitting through 10 variations of your pandas kung fu or ages ice
My wife has put on some of the Despicable Me/Minions movies and they just sort of wash over me without making any impression at all like I'm a smooth river rock.
Netflix has Ghibli films, which are a nice reprieve.
One of the things about the children's "entertainment" environment today is that there is always a worse version of things you already hate.
For instance, my son loves Gecko's Garage, which is this shitty British cartoon in six minutes increments about a gecko mechanic. Formulaic, lazy, dull, but whatever, it's not actively harmful, put it on. The TV is on so I can cook dinner in peace.
Then occasionally you'll run into videos with the gecko's garage characters that use shittier animation with voices that are not quite right that I think must be done by AI?
Then there are videos of people just playing with gecko's garage toys, which for kids have the same appeal as toy commercials (the exact right setting, with all the accessory toys, plus toys from other franchises show up)
Then you find the same thing but the person playing has a more annoying voice or something.
I want to judge you for handing over your phone, but when my six year old is playing by herself with her toys, I sometimes overhear her saying "don't forget to put your guess in the comments".
Truly healthy times we're living in. We should all make our kids play a rousing game of "throw rocks at a crow carcass" like our great-grandparents.
Finally, call it stockholm syndrome maybe, but having now seen all of the Tinkerbell movies on Disney+, the amount of effort they put into the lore of the Tinkerbell universe is surprising.
Ok, definitely stockholm syndrome. Gonna go watch snippets of Boss Baby for the 26th time now. It's ReaLlY gRoWiNG oN ME!
I love this column concept. Sort of like Girlfriend Reviews for games but for movies and dads. My son is too young to make requests of the big flickering box. Right now the closest thing we’ve determined is he loves anything with birds in it. Now that he’s officially a toddler, I’m sure I don’t have long to wait for him to start drilling something into my head. I’d be delighted if that thing was Paddington, though.
Totoro, Kiki's Delivery Service, and Ponyo are all toddler safe films. Also the Roku channel has all five seasons of Richard Scarry's busytown for free. It's got some classic 90's PSA's, like to not answer the door if you're home alone.
I keep trying to convince my kid to watch 'Paddington,' but he sucks. Instead I have to watch the same goddamn 'Blaze and the Monster Machines' episodes over and over.
One of my favorite kids movies is 'Dennis the Menace' from '93. I'm not saying it's good, but goddamn do I love it. It's worth it just to see Christopher Lloyd as one of the greasiest and most unsettling villains I've ever seen in a movie made for kids. I wouldn't say he gives off pedophile vibes, but more like he'd murder a child and burn the body in a barrel if it benefitted him. At one point, he steals an apple from a 2-year-old who's inexplicably left unsupervised in the backyard (my kind of parenting) by stabbing it with a switch blade. It also has a great stop in performance by Natasha Lyonne as a horny and disinterested babysitter, Buzz from Home Alone as her idiot fuck buddy, and of course Walter Matthau is Walter Matthau, which is great.
Ebert spends half his review of that movie being like "what a colossally miscalculated character for a children's movie." He's the only thing I remember about it.
You weren't kidding!
https://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/dennis-the-menace-1993
He'd reached the opposite conclusion as me:
"There's a lot to like in Dennis the Menace. But Switchblade Sam prevents me from recommending it."
I have to find that. He's grimy AF. Barely less appalling than the alleyway monster in Mulholland Drive.
Chef's kiss. I'll throw "The Iron Giant" in with the easily rewatchable kid flicks. First movie my toddler obsessed over, proud dad moment.
Vince, having not seen the Eternals the fan girl trope annoys me more with Kamala Khan than Rose. Rose is a civilian, I get these people seeming larger than life. Kamala has SUPER POWERS. At 16 I would have been trying to play it cool and there’s humor to be mined about Kamala playing it cool only for Captain Marvel to discover that Kamala is a massive fan and being slightly horrified.
The fangirl trope is annoying, but in this case, it is unfortunately comics correct. Haven't seen Marvels, or the Kamala Khan show - and I'm not gonna - but in the comics she is a die hard Captain Marvel fanatic.
Vince, I rewatched the Batman Animated Series (which is streaming on Max) and it’s very good but I wouldn’t recommend it for kids under 6.
My problem with "The Marvels" is it's impossible for me to remember anything about the Skrulls and/or Kree. I even sorta tried when the first Captain Marvel movie came out! But goddamn is it confusing and boring at the same time, so my brain just immediately deletes it all.
Used to love Phineas and Ferb for this reason. Wacky and silly enough for the kids, but with some genuine belly laughs for the adults.
On more than one night I would put the kids to bed, smoke a joint, turn the TV on and find it tuned to P&F and just happily let it continue.
I need this column. As mom to two toddlers, appreciated the review and will look forward to checking out Paddington on the next rainy weekend.
We've recently gotten into the Trolls trilogy really hard. Can you please check it out and tell me if I love it because it's absolutely great or because the kids have incepted my brain?
I have the same query re: The Tinkerbell series of movies.
This is important work
Back when I was a kid we were watching Robocop at birthday parties.
Since my parents took me along to see the first Mad Max when I was in elementary school I'm probably not the target audience here.
Same tho. Once when I was home sick from school when I was 9 they took me to see The Godfather part III. I only remember this because I puked in the popcorn bucket. I have a 10-year-old stepson now and I love imagining me asking him, "Hey, you wanna go see three-hour art movie about gory dago murder?"
But yet they wouldn't take me to Star Wars when it originally came out (yes I'm old) until they went first to make sure it was appropriate. Although I guess being 5 or so is different than 9.
As someone who made it through the young kid stage (two teenagers), I can't caution you enough about giving the kid your phone in the car/restaurant as a distraction. Feels good to have the undisturbed time, but all the parents in my friend group who gave in like that ended up with really shitty teenagers. No attention span, TikTok brain, etc.
Yeah, that's reserved for intense tantrums only
So new generations also won’t have the character-building trope of watching “whatever’s on”, or visiting a friend/your dad that doesn’t have cable if they want to watch tv. That said, not sure i could recommend being 7 years old watching the X Files each week knowing id be scared out of my damn mind.
In any case it seems lucky that he latched to onto Pixar movies. I’d like to see if he’s drawn to the Dreamworks face and then you find yourself sitting through 10 variations of your pandas kung fu or ages ice
My wife has put on some of the Despicable Me/Minions movies and they just sort of wash over me without making any impression at all like I'm a smooth river rock.