Is Stephen Dorff Our Greatest Celebrity Pitch Man?
The gravel-voiced e-cig enthusiast is very worried that you've been putting poison in your asshole.
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I still remember where I was, kinda sorta, the day I saw Stephen Dorff shilling for Blu e-cigs. Certainly he was paid to do the ad, but something about his leathery skin, cement-truck voice, and popped suit collar just screamed “I have indeed sampled many electronic cigarettes.”
He sold the hell out of that thing. To the point that I think I immediately texted my father, who is still a smoker despite being nearly 80, to ask if he’d ever tried an e-cig. “Vaping” wasn’t a word yet and what little I knew about it made it seem like it might be a slightly healthier alternative to cigarettes (probably still is, but we don’t need to get into a whole thing about it). My father never brought himself to switch to vaping, but I don’t blame that on Stephen Dorff. In fact I’m still grateful to the Blade star for giving me the idea.
Why was I inspired to share with you such a memory? Well, because today I discovered (aka my old editor Brett sent to me) this new Instagram ad starring Stephen Dorff, in an arguably even better pitch than Blu e-cigs. These days, he’s hawking “100% toxin free” toilet paper.
“I know a thing or two about assholes,” rasps a bathrobe-clad Dorff, sitting in a tiled, baby blue bathroom. “They're more sensitive than you may think. And your normal roll of toilet paper is contributing to your risk of cancer.”
So you’re saying that it’s toilet paper… and it doesn’t have… poison? You have my attention.
The ad goes on to claim that the bleach and formaldehyde used to process your toilet paper are “forever chemicals,” linked to a whole slew of maladies, from “inflammation,” to UTIs, to hemorrhoids. The causal link smells a little vague to me, and calling bleach a “forever chemical” seems like some kind of nominative overreach, but I do wipe my butt and also sometimes experience medical issues, so who am I to say? Being a human in the modern world means nothing if not cautiously believing in magic whenever convenient. Is that why I’m tired in the afternoon and I can’t drink the way I used to? Is it the toxins?
All I know is that when you give Stephen Dorff a product to pitch, that man sells the shit out of it. I haven’t seen a commercial performance this committed since Michael Imperioli told me my tequila was gay (or possibly not gay enough?).
He finishes things off telling us that his new poison-free toilet paper will cost only $15 more dollars per year. “That’s two damn moccachinos,” Dorff says, in the no nonsense tone of a cowboy who has just sidled up to you in a saloon and correctly surmised that you enjoy moccachinos. Can you not spare a couple moccachinos, pardner? Think of your asshole!
In conclusion, God bless Stephen Dorff for bringing his A-game no matter the product, and also I would love to interview Stephen Dorff’s agent some time to see what gigs he has turned down. I also wouldn’t be surprised if eight out of ten of Stephen Dorff’s friends were electronic cigarette and poison-free toilet paper entrepreneurs.
- I'll give Blu this - I tried them in my first attempt to quit smoking solely because of their robust roster of celebrity endorsements (Dorff, Ray Liotta, Jenny McCarthy).
- Dorff did a full-frontal in the godawful movie Shadowboxer. He pulls his semi-erect, condom-sheathed penis out of a woman from the back, which is certainly unique as full-frontals go.
So, how's everyone's Wednesday going?
Damn it appears that Insta has been taken down. At least I can't access it