Italian-Face Is The Hot New Thing

Nick Vallelonga, John Travolta, Sebastian Maniscalco, and Robert DeNiro Are All Friggin' Walkin' Here. Plus, an AI writes us a rom-com.

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I still haven’t gotten my press screening invite to About My Father, even though it opens in two weeks, which is a shame, because this thing looks like a must-see. Have you seen this trailer?

I haven’t even seen it, but I already give it two Italian hands WAY UP! Vafongool, I’m walkin’ heah!

I honestly don’t know that much about Sebastian Maniscalco (a fun name to say, in any case) other than Drew Magary’s (excellent) review of his standup special from a few months ago. The gist of which was that he makes this face a lot:

Netflix

Is Maniscalco weirded out by the people at Whole Foods, because he thinks they’re hippies? In 2022? You know it. Is he dumbfounded by the fact that things are different today than they were when he was growing up? SO dumbfounded. Does he got a problem with your gluten allergy? He got a big problem widdit. And does he have an extended segment about all the jokes that he, as a comedian, can no longer make? That’s just a law now. Maniscalco’s new special has got a whole bit about kids who identify as lions at school, and then he plays the part of an audience member who’s absolutely shocked that he could be so insensitive to that poor child. How could he say that? What a mean man! I, the imaginary audience member, am such a wretched little snowflake who hates comedy!

It’s hilarious to me that this guy, who apparently spends an entire special complaining about people being too sensitive for him to make the jokes he really wants and such, upon being offered the chance to co-write and star in his own movie, he makes one that looks basically like the equivalent of My Big Fat Stupid Italian Wedding.

Ay, my pop, he’s like da friggin’ MacGyver of pasta ova heah! Marone!

Not to be outdone, and in a similar vein, today this outstanding press release landed in my inbox:

Newly-launched global sales banner Palisades Park Pictures announced today that two-time Academy Award® nominee John Travolta (Grease, Pulp Fiction, Saturday Night Fever) and Katherine Heigl (“Grey’s Anatomy,” 27 Dresses, “Firefly Lane”) will star in the heartwarming romantic comedy That’s Amore!. Academy Award®-winning actor Christopher Walken (Catch Me If You Can, “Severance,” The Deer Hunter) is currently in talks to board the film, which was written and will be directed by two-time Academy Award® winner Nick Vallelonga (Green Book).

A rom-com about a lifelong bachelor played by John Travolta (69 — nice) with his love interest played by Katherine Heigl (44)? In a film by the Green Book guy? My God, this thing is going to be meme GOLD.

But wait. It gets better. Honestly, SO MUCH BETTER, in a way that I didn’t even foresee when I started writing this post:

That’s Amore! is a warm, romantic comedy filled to the brim with old-time charm, values, love, family, and music. Nick Venere (a singing, dancing Travolta) is a modern-day "Marty” – he's never been married and his best dating years are well behind him. He’s never heard the words "I love you” and figures he never will. Patty Amore (Heigl) has her share of problems as well. Shy and introverted, she's filled with various tics and nervous habits. A secret from her past, combined with her over-protective father, have caused her to withdraw from the dating game. When Nick and Patty meet, literally bumping into one another, they share an immediate connection. When these two emotionally damaged people attempt to date one another, their families get involved, and the results are hilarious.

PATTY AMORE. HER NAME IS PATTY AMORE.

That’s so good Tyler Perry just fired a guy for not thinking of it first. And wait, did you say she’s hot but nervous and kind of klutzy? In a rom-com? Has this ever been tried before?? YOU’RE CRAZY FOR THIS ONE, NICKY LIP! (“Marty,” by the way, is a reference to the 1955 Ernest Borgnine comedy that we all know and remember).

This promises to be such an amazing film, I don’t think I can wait for it to actually be shot, edited, and released. I want it now! Computer, give me the Italian face.

Now, I support all my friends in the the WGA, who are currently on strike. Pay those goddamned writers what they deserve! Acknowledging that one big issue of concern right now is AI, and the potential for AI to take writers’ jobs (I don’t believe in the potential for AI to actually write shootable scripts, but I absolutely believe movie and TV execs are stupid enough to think AI can write shootable scripts; the same way the kinds of media execs who laid me off always think they can just get barely-paid gig workers to do my job for less), the task of writing me a sneak preview of THAT’S AMORE sounded like a perfect task for AI.

That’s right, thanks to the magic of AI, we no longer have to use our imaginations to daydream about what That’s Amore will be like. We can have a computer do it for us. Which it has done:

INT. ITALIAN RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Nick Venere (JOHN TRAVOLTA), a middle-aged man with a big personality, is sitting at a table with his friends, Frankie and Tony (played by ROBERT DE NIRO and JOE PESCI). They're all dressed in their best suits, eating spaghetti and meatballs, and singing along to the live music.

FRANKIE: Nick, when are you gonna find yourself a lady? You're not getting any younger!

NICK: I know, I know. But where am I gonna find a dame who can keep up with me? I'm a singing, dancing machine!

TONY: Maybe you should try online dating, Nick. You know, swipe right on some of them broads.

NICK: I don't know, Tony. I'm not very good with technology. Last time I tried to use the computer, I accidentally ordered 10,000 meatballs.

Just then, Patty Amore (KATHARINE HEIGL) enters the restaurant. She's a shy, introverted woman with nervous habits, and she's wearing a dress that looks like it was made out of a picnic tablecloth.

NICK: (falls out of his chair) Whoa, would you look at her! She's the bee's knees!

FRANKIE: What's wrong with her dress, Nick? Did she get lost on her way to the picnic?

TONY: Maybe she's trying to hide a bunch of stolen silverware under there.

Patty approaches their table and accidentally spills her drink on Nick.

PATTY: Oh, I'm so sorry! I'm such a klutz!

NICK: That's okay, sweetheart. I could use a little extra sauce on my meatballs.

FRANKIE and TONY snicker.

PATTY: (nervously) I should probably go. I don't want to cause any more trouble.

NICK: Wait, don't go! You're the best thing that's happened to me since they put extra cheese on pizza!

FRANKIE and TONY burst out laughing.

PATTY: (smiling) Really?

NICK: Absolutely. Let me buy you a drink and we'll talk more about pizza.

They clink their glasses together as the live music starts up again. Nick and Patty start to dance together, awkwardly at first but then with more confidence.

FRANKIE: (to Tony) I haven't seen Nick this happy since he found that meatball the size of a baseball.

TONY: (laughs) Yeah, but let's hope this one doesn't give him heartburn.

As Nick and Patty continue to dance, their families start to get involved, and the results are hilarious.

This was my third or fourth attempt, after I kept urging it to “add more jokes.” I hate to say it, but I don’t know that I could’ve done better than “Last time I tried to use the computer, I accidentally ordered 10,000 meatballs.”

Nuttin’ but respect to our new AI overlords.