What’s worse fellas: a toddler book that doesn’t even attempt to rhyme or one that does but can’t manage the basics of the right number of syllables in a line?
Oh boy, now you've hit on something. 80% of modern children's books are a scourge for exactly the reason you describe. "Anthony has two moms and that's ok" Fine? Did they fight a dragon? Go on a walk? Tell me a story about them, for Christ's sake!
Agree that people who 'write' children's books but don't illustrate can fuck right off. Who do you think you are, Margaret Wise Brown?
My wife and I both like the old Bearenstain Bears books (her mom kept basically the entire set). A bit dated, but they're decent and interesting enough to not want to kill yourself reading them over and over. They're good until you get to the ones where Mike Bearenstain took over and started included overtly Christian themes and literally quoting the bible. Fuck you, Mike!
Finally, my biggest pet peeve with modern children's books is no one pays attention to meter anymore. I've been reading Shel Silverstein poems to my daughter lately and they are still an absolute delight to read, partly because he wrote them with a sense that they were meant to be read out loud. Anyone who write a poem that has poor meter should be in some kind of jail for shitty pedants.
Shel Silverstein's books were (and are) probably the best. Picked up a used LP of his from the early 70s (freakers ball or something like that) and oooof was that rough. I get the context for the "scene" at the time but "I saw polly in a porny with a pony" isn't exactly an earworm.
I have a 9 year old daughter who at around 5 became aware of which books I hated reading and then because she is always doing a bit, would insist I read the ones I hated the most. I must have Read Disney Princesses 5 Minute Stories 300 times.
My kids will sometimes play that game, and I have to admit, it's a good bit. Fathers need to be harassed to maintain their supply of essential grumpiness.
As a mother of two (6 and 3.5) I have a read a mountain of shitty children's books. Eventually I started getting rid of them. Out of sight out of mind vaguely works.
The way Little Aiden is holding up the word "feelings" on the cover makes me suspect that there's a whole series of these things, so I pray that none of the undiscerning gift-givers in your life get wind that your kid loves this one
My 5 year old nephew currently loves the John Cena book about cars in a junkyard. TBF it is kinda fun to put on chookter (southern) accents when reading it. Although Cena didn’t draw it either.
I often think of that Brian Regan bit where he talks about how the description on the back of the children's book is longer than the content of the book.
I've run low on guncle books (read: picture books about pop stars and drag queens) to gift my 2-year-old niece. I need her to get to her Calvin and Hobbes phase.
The series that gets me are the Biscuit books. It's basically a story that celebrates irresponsible pet ownership!
The owner (a little girl with no adult supervision) brings Biscuit everywhere and he pretty much ruins everything for everyone wherever he goes, and the girl's only response is to call him "silly puppy" then ignore the mess he's made!
What’s worse fellas: a toddler book that doesn’t even attempt to rhyme or one that does but can’t manage the basics of the right number of syllables in a line?
I grew up listening to Too Short so I'm fine with the latter.
Idk, maybe Little Aiden will go Amazing Amy mode one day. Then it’ll get interesting.
As for Jordon Hudson, at least she’s making UNC football interesting for the first time in ages.
Oh boy, now you've hit on something. 80% of modern children's books are a scourge for exactly the reason you describe. "Anthony has two moms and that's ok" Fine? Did they fight a dragon? Go on a walk? Tell me a story about them, for Christ's sake!
Agree that people who 'write' children's books but don't illustrate can fuck right off. Who do you think you are, Margaret Wise Brown?
My wife and I both like the old Bearenstain Bears books (her mom kept basically the entire set). A bit dated, but they're decent and interesting enough to not want to kill yourself reading them over and over. They're good until you get to the ones where Mike Bearenstain took over and started included overtly Christian themes and literally quoting the bible. Fuck you, Mike!
Finally, my biggest pet peeve with modern children's books is no one pays attention to meter anymore. I've been reading Shel Silverstein poems to my daughter lately and they are still an absolute delight to read, partly because he wrote them with a sense that they were meant to be read out loud. Anyone who write a poem that has poor meter should be in some kind of jail for shitty pedants.
Shel Silverstein's books were (and are) probably the best. Picked up a used LP of his from the early 70s (freakers ball or something like that) and oooof was that rough. I get the context for the "scene" at the time but "I saw polly in a porny with a pony" isn't exactly an earworm.
Richard Scarry is also tops.
I have a 9 year old daughter who at around 5 became aware of which books I hated reading and then because she is always doing a bit, would insist I read the ones I hated the most. I must have Read Disney Princesses 5 Minute Stories 300 times.
My kids will sometimes play that game, and I have to admit, it's a good bit. Fathers need to be harassed to maintain their supply of essential grumpiness.
As a mother of two (6 and 3.5) I have a read a mountain of shitty children's books. Eventually I started getting rid of them. Out of sight out of mind vaguely works.
"and the sentient haircut asking the questions," Strong work Vince. I sounded like an asshole in my office laughing absurdly loud wearing headphones.
The way Little Aiden is holding up the word "feelings" on the cover makes me suspect that there's a whole series of these things, so I pray that none of the undiscerning gift-givers in your life get wind that your kid loves this one
Oh, there is.
Well, that's why they're so proud! They have a franchise!
Well, that's why they're so proud! They have a franchise!
Well, that's why they're so proud! They have a franchise!
Well, that's why they're so proud! They have a franchise!
I'm so sorry 😬
Also so according to the timeline Bill B met JordOn when he was 69 (Nice) and she was tuh-wenty? that sounds real healthy.
My dad hated the Busy World of Richard Scarry because the books had pictures with a million characters in them like a damn Where’s Waldo?
Vince, how hard did your wife and stepson laugh when the toddler hit you in the yam bag?
At least it's not Anti-Racist Baby... we really lived through a wild time there.
That would not have made it past the door.
I bought that for my only friend that had a kid in 2020 and I assume they immediately threw it out
My 5 year old nephew currently loves the John Cena book about cars in a junkyard. TBF it is kinda fun to put on chookter (southern) accents when reading it. Although Cena didn’t draw it either.
I can get down with books about junkyard cars. Way more entertaining than a dumb wiener kid who is sad sometimes.
I often think of that Brian Regan bit where he talks about how the description on the back of the children's book is longer than the content of the book.
I've run low on guncle books (read: picture books about pop stars and drag queens) to gift my 2-year-old niece. I need her to get to her Calvin and Hobbes phase.
The series that gets me are the Biscuit books. It's basically a story that celebrates irresponsible pet ownership!
The owner (a little girl with no adult supervision) brings Biscuit everywhere and he pretty much ruins everything for everyone wherever he goes, and the girl's only response is to call him "silly puppy" then ignore the mess he's made!
I mean that's just Curious George
Brother, you are going to fucking hate Clifford the Big Red Dog.
This book sounds like Mad Men where they just repeat the same nothing over and over again...
Fingers crossed we get "Little Aiden On Speed" or "Little Aiden's Ride-On Mower"