'Mixed Martial Farts,' Starring Kevin James, As Written By AI
The magic of AI makes our old movie pitches real.
Years ago, by which I mean specifically 12 or more (time moves, baby! best not to dwell on it), we would have listener contests on the Frotcast to see who could submit the best “Paul Blart Presents” pitch. Which was basically a Kevin James vehicle where the plot involved farting. FI: Fartificial Intelligence, Unfartgiven, Incep-shit, etc. Studios, I know things are tough right now with the Writer’s Strike, but I’m here to tell you I kept all of these emails if you want to buy any. I’ll give you a great deal.
Anyway, if I remember correctly, most of these were inspired by the existence of Here Comes The Boom, a Kevin James-uses-MMA-to-save-the-rec-center concept that I had pitched as a joke four years prior. We covered the trades when it was first announcemed and immediately dubbed the project “Mixed Martial Farts.” The riffs sort of wrote themselves after that.
I always felt like if we could’ve just buckled down and actually wrote up some of the pitches, we could’ve been rich! But who had the time, or the attention span? We were busy coming up with new and flatulent pun titles.
Which brings me to today. These days, we have sophisticated AI chat bots, which may not be able to babysit our children or pleasure our spouses for us, or really do anything particularly useful, but it turns out, one thing they’re actually great at is taking a “concept that writes itself” and actually writing it. I asked the AI to write a scene from a Happy Madison production called “Mixed Martial Farts” starring Kevin James and it actually did a pretty adequate job. I read this out loud to my 9-year-old nephew and he laughed, which I think objectively justifies its relevance here.
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FADE IN:
EXT. UFC ARENA - DAY
The camera pans over a large crowd of cheering fans outside the arena, some wearing t-shirts with the words "Mixed Martial Farts" on them. Suddenly, a bus pulls up and out steps KEVIN JAMES, dressed in a shiny blue MMA uniform and carrying a duffle bag.
KEVIN: (to himself) Alright, Kevin. This is it. You've trained hard for this. Time to show them what you're made of.
As Kevin walks towards the arena, we see a montage of him training, which includes shots of him lifting weights, sparring with his coach, and struggling to control his flatulence.
CUT TO:
INT. LOCKER ROOM - DAY
Kevin is sitting on a bench, nervously stretching his legs. His coach, played by ROB SCHNEIDER, enters the room.
COACH: (patting Kevin on the back) You ready for this, Kev?
KEVIN: (takes a deep breath) I think so, Coach. I just hope I don't fart during the fight.
COACH: (laughs) Come on, Kev. You know that's what makes you special.
Kevin chuckles nervously and stands up.
CUT TO:
INT. OCTAGON - DAY
Kevin is facing off against his opponent, a muscular fighter named "The Beast" (played by TERRY CREWS). The referee gives the signal to start the fight, and the two men begin to circle each other.
Suddenly, Kevin lets out a loud fart, causing The Beast to cover his nose and stumble backwards. Seizing the opportunity, Kevin charges forward and lands a series of punches on his opponent.
The crowd goes wild as Kevin continues to fight, using his flatulence to distract and disorient his opponent. At one point, he even lets out a fart so powerful that it knocks The Beast to the ground.
Finally, Kevin lands the finishing blow, knocking out The Beast and winning the match. The crowd erupts into applause as Kevin raises his arms in victory.
CUT TO:
INT. LOCKER ROOM - DAY
Kevin is sitting on a bench, smiling and covered in sweat. His coach enters the room, holding a trophy.
COACH: (hands the trophy to Kevin) You did it, Kev! You're a champion!
KEVIN: (grinning) Thanks, Coach. And thanks to my farts.
The two men share a laugh as the camera fades to black.
FADE OUT.
THE END.
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Damn, we’re going to have to start selling “Mixed Martial Farts” merch now, aren’t we. I actually laughed out loud at the idea of a “shiny blue MMA uniform.” I didn’t know exactly what that meant (my brain having to fill the gap being part of why it was funny), but then I thought, why wonder? We can have a different AI give us the answer.
Kind of haunting, isn’t it? It really captures Paul Blart’s pathos. Still, I could’ve used something to indicate flatulence. Would it have killed you to throw in some stink lines, robot?
Anyway, I don’t know if we’ve replaced any jobs, but it seems like we’ve found a worthy successor to Awesome-O, the movie-pitching robot from South Park.
Hitting "post" triumphantly, Vince wiped the sweat from his brow with a hairy arm, then leaned back in his chair and exhaled. In spite of it all, this was fun. No editors on his jock, no having to kowtow to Chad Uproxx and his crew of dockers-sporting coifs. Just freedom to rip it.
His stomach rumbled. There was a hotdog stand down the street, but... Vince pulled out his wallet and opened it to reveal nothing. Realizing he hadn't carried cash in three years, he pulled out his credit card. It had been covered in duct tape with a frowny face and two cartoon flies drawn on it.
His stomach growled more insistently. "I wonder..." he muttered to himself, before getting up and beginning to paw through old desk drawers. In one he found what appeared to be a used silicone butt that had been stored in a tupperware container. Some moisture and residual biological products had generated a thriving micro-ecosystem. Fascinated but still hungry, he filed the container away for another day.
Finally, he stumbled on a loose floorboard and looked down, next to what had been a writer's desk. Kneeling down, he pried it loose and found an entire box of Lärabars, on which was stuck a sticky note indicating "THESE ARE THE OFFICIAL BAR OF LAREMY. FUCK OFF MATT."
Ghostbustiers! Brilliant! How has no one thought of that before now? But yes, this resumption of the old commenters/commenting system is doing a lot for my mental health right now too.