New Movie Poster Round Up: May 23rd

Star Wars stuff! New Mission Impossible! Spider Cat! Chris Hemsworth has Aryan hair!

Welcome to the New Movie Poster Round Up, the feature in which we go through all the week’s new movie posters and read way too much into them. Usually it drops Monday, but sometimes we get a little backed up.

We open this week, for better or worse, with Five Nights At Freddy’s, which seems to be… a horror movie about a haunted Chuck E. Cheese? Before I jump away to IMDB, how close do you think I was?

A troubled security guard begins working at Freddy Fazbear's Pizza. During his first night on the job, he realizes that the night shift at Freddy's won't be so easy to get through.

Wow, I got it! Gotta love a poster that makes you do the work. Makes it feel that much more satisfying when you manage to figure it out. Like successfully putting together an IKEA nightstand or something.

The poster does sort of make it look like an animated movie, when it’s actually a live-action movie from Emma Tammi starring… Josh Hutcherson and Matthew Lillard?? Wait, that can’t be right.

Remember in Hunger Games when Josh Hutcherson disguised himself as a tree using his cake decorating skills? Best plot device ever.

Every body know Kung Fu Panda. When I write scrip, I think self, “what if other animals also know martial art?”

I kid, of course. The Monkey King is actually a famous character in the 16th century Mandarin novel Journey To The West. So… does knowing that make this seem more or less derivative? I guess it’s better than when Disney remakes their own movies from five years ago.

Apparently The Creator is a “post-apocalyptic thriller” from Gareth Edwards about “a future impacted by a war between humans and AI.”

The poster looks like Johnny 5 playing Caine in Kung Fu, and so much like a Star Wars movie that I thought it was one. I’m… not against it.

DONALD KAUFMAN IN ADAPTATION: Because of my multiple personality theme, I've chosen the motif of broken mirrors to show my protagonist's fragmented self. Bob says an Image System greatly increases the complexity of an aesthetic emotion.

Possible pull quote: “Mom called it psychologically taut.”

I guess it was only a matter of time before the revisionist documentary machine came for Anna Nicole Smith. Wasn’t the media mean to her?? We love to look back at those moments and pretend we weren’t complicit in them (or self-flagellate for it?).

I’ll still see it though, I do like remembering stuff. And as corny as the “mirrors represent fragmented self!” motif is, the way her chins line up and separate the image into columns is kind of cool.

Just when I think I can’t handle another goofy alternate multi-verse world gag, they give me a fat little kitty cat in a mask. I’ll allow it. I have a soft spot for fat kitties.

I actually really liked Extraction. I enjoyed the action in it more than any of the John Wick movies, if we’re being honest. So it’s with mixed feelings that I learn that Chris Hemsworth is… fighting some sparks in this one?

Close the windows, kids, dad’s going out to light the barbecue again.

This looks like they mashed up all the worst parts of both Inside Out and Onward. You can’t tell me you have one of the world’s richest corporations with unlimited money to hire animators and the best you could come up with was this:

Apparently Netflix went animation crazy this month. Per IMDB:

Nimona is the only person that can help Knight Ballister Boldheart to prove his innocence, he is framed for a crime he didn't commit.

So… a sort of medieval courtroom drama where one of the characters is a dragon? Respect, that did not go where I was expecting.

The director of this did Barb and Star Go To Vista Del Mar and the writer of it created American Vandal. But you’re going to put Cocaine Bear on the poster? For shame.

Anyway, the doggies are going to swear. This feels like they got Reddit to rewrite Benji, but I’m morbidly curious.

They’ve got Chris Hemsworth going full Jason Statham in this one. I guess she’s got all those blankets on to protect her from all the sparks? I also like that they put a little blur on the backside of his head to create the illusion of SPEED. THIS SUMMER.. Chris Hemsworth… WALKS VIGOROUSLY.

Walk Vigorously: The Chris Hemsworth Story.

My God, the mismatched names and faces… why?? I get that Gabrielle Union’s contract probably stipulates she gets top billing, but in that case… just put her on the left! Is there some unspoken, boys on the left, girls on the right rule I don’t know about? It also looks like he’s staring at her left ear. Between the out-of-focus Christmas lights and the multi-font title, this looks like its aiming for Hallmark territory.

IMDB says:

After a high-profile firing, Jenna's fashion career comeback hits a snag when she falls for a charming, much younger coworker - who happens to be her boss's son. As sparks fly, Jenna must decide if she'll risk it all on a secret romance.

(*pointing at poster background*) (*whispers to date*) Those are the sparks.

Is that Spike Jonze holding the shotgun? I would be cautiously intrigued if that was actually Spike Jonze. (It is not Spike Jonze).

I kind of like the angles and the old school format on this Mission Impossible: Dead Reckoning poster. But could we maybe get some better Photoshop on Simon Pegg and Ving Rhames? Pegg looks like they inflated his head to 115%.

I guess the baddie is an evil drum major in this? She adds one tear drop every time she drops the baton.

I don’t know if the 90s VHS aesthetic is the right choice for a poster with a truck robot and a gorilla robot.

D-Box, by the way, is the vibrating seat movie upgrade. Uh… sure? Honestly, maybe try getting the picture sharp and turning the house lights down during the previews and telling people not to text during the movie before we start vibrating the chairs. Baby steps.

(Drafthouse, for the love of God build a theater in Fresno, I’m begging you).

This is a really cool poster for what seems like it’s inevitably going to be a terrible movie. Maybe I’m just saying that because I hear the hawk sound in my head when I look at it. I like when I hear a hawk sound in my head.

[All posters via IMPAwards]