19 Comments
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Django20's avatar

Trying new fruits at the bachelor party? Look out for these fucking guys. Also, what happens at a bachelor party is supposed to stay there. Vince out here doing special blog posts on it. "The bachelor was all up in them melons!"

I bought a Korean melon at the market today after reading this. I'll report back with my hot take.

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Django20's avatar

Korean melon:

I liked it and would certainly get it again! I'd say it's kind of a crisper cantaloupe. I did not pick up on cucumber like the fruit dork in the video (that dude would've raged at the Russian River bach). I do recommend eating it with the seeds intact. Not so much for the seeds, but the flesh attached to the seeds was definitely the sweetest part. Also, I used a knife to skin it only to realize too late it would have been a lot easier with a potato peeler.

I shared it with some kids (I know these kids, I didn't dangle fruit out a van window) and they enjoyed it, too. I removed the seeds for my four-year-old. It should be noted that none of them went back for seconds, though. Van kids would have. They wouldn't have a choice.

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Graham Moyer-Stratton's avatar

Whole Foods usually has a pelthora of exotic melons at some point in the juicy season. Ill have to look into this St. Nic thing. I will however, not utter the word Cucumis; it sounds too dirty for this Christian household.

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Schnitzel bob's avatar

Weird, I tried using AI to generate an image of Santa Claus with melons but it just sent me pictures of your mother.

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OhMyBalls's avatar

Omg samsies!

At least I've got my Christmas card for this year out of the way.

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Steve's avatar

If I was the ad agency for Big Melon, I'd be on the phone to Sydney Sweeney night and day.

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Torgo's avatar

And the Big Gum industry.

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Steve's avatar

I find her gums charming.

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Torgo's avatar

Melon Musk out there disrupting the melon industry.

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OhMyBalls's avatar

"but there I was. Straight vibing with a new melon I never even existed. A beautiful thing."

You're one of the few writers I read that I'd let get away with such an embarrassing sentence.

As an admitted melon slut, I really want to try this(Not at all made up) Santa Claus melon.

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Kulish's avatar

I went out to my local Fry’s here in AZ and picked up a Santa Claus melon after reading this. Delicious. If you freeze it, it’s almost exactly like eating/drinking one of those slushie drinks from a gas station.

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Schnitzel bob's avatar

Because I'm suggestible I too picked one up, and I gotta say they're pretty damn good.

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Vince Mancini's avatar

Go forth my children, and spread the gospel of the melon.

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Torgo's avatar

I've not really seen these but I've been seeing more of the darker rind "Japanese" melons that have not failed to disappoint.

Also - when I stayed at an AirBnB for a friends birthday a few years ago near the Russian River the nearest grocery store was ass. You could tell the townies from visitors by who apparently had healthcare coverage. The house and pool were nice though.

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Vince Mancini's avatar

classic two wolves inside you situation, Mendocino county style. People who’ve never been there don’t understand how someone can be super hippie and super redneck simultaneously

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Schnitzel bob's avatar

Oh you like the darker rind japanese melons, huh?

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Torgo's avatar

I'm into animelons.

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Will Murray's avatar

My fry sauce: mayo of your choice + hot sauce of your choice + vinegar of your choice + (optional) dash of Worstershire in a ratio that has a consistency similar to gravy (i.e.: coat the back of a spoon).

My usual combo is Hellman's + Frank's + Cider vinegar + Worstershire

Ratios can be adjusted to make it thicker for a burger condiment.

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Rob2Kx's avatar

It appears the melon lobby is putting Vince's kid through college

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