23 Comments

"I don’t know, but I would definitely tell my younger self to develop a flexibility routine. So important. "

Vince, don't you try and bait me into writing frotfic about you time-traveling to give your younger self advice about sucking your own d- ALRIGHT I'LL DO IT!

"No, you've got to really extend, then tuck your chin in.  No, that's not it...  hang on, I'll show you.  I'm telling you, you don't need to remove a rib."

"VINNY, WHO'S THAT TALKING?  ARE YOU WATCHING TV IN YOUR ROOM?"

"It's no one, mom!  Don't come upstairs!"

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You can't see me but I'm applauding.

*begins flexibility routine*

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At first glance, I thought Sean Astin was Guillermo Del Toro in that poster

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Guillermo del Frodo

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The poster of the school announcement board reminds me, in a barely-sequitur way, of this anecdote from Anthony Kiedis' autobiography. Apologies for the length, but when I was 18 it made me laugh so hard I almost barfed, and it still gives me a good laugh:

"I tried to make my case for the recommendation, but he wasn’t having any of it. “There’s the door,” he said. I walked out of there shell-shocked. Ultimately, I wound up going to the geometry teacher, and he was nice enough to write me a great recommendation. But I still had to get even with Platt.

Somewhere along the line that semester, I had stumbled upon some cardboard boxes of beautiful big black and red plastic marquee letters. Thinking they might be useful for an art project, I kept them. At the end of that Memorial Day weekend, the night before we were supposed to return to classes, Mike and I were driving around, stoned on pot, listening to music, when a brilliant idea came to me.

We drove up to the marquee in front of Fairfax High and started climbing up the pole, armed with the appropriate letters. Then we spelled out DANDY DON PLATT SUCKS ANUS, and motor-oiled the pole and the platform to inhibit the progress of anyone who would try to take our message down.

We looked up at the sign, congratulated each other, and went home and fell asleep. The next day we went to school, and there was a whole hubbub of activity around the marquee, people taking pictures and workmen trying to circumvent the motor oil and get those letters off.

Nobody ever came to Mike or me for questioning. We weren’t even suspects. Maybe Platt had screwed over enough kids that there was an abundance of people with a motive. But that wasn’t the end of it. At the end of that summer, we decided to leave a message for the incoming class at Fairfax. So we went back to the box of letters, climbed back up that pole, and left DANDY DON CONTINUES TO SUCK ANUS."

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I'm on my honeymoon in Japan (BRAG) and can't devote my full attention to this, but

a) I appreciate this feature and its continued existence, and

b) on the basis of subway ads in Tokyo, Gladiator II is the only movie that exists for the next couple months.

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OUR LITTLE SECRET drops on my birthday, and despite never having seen a Lindsay Lohan movie (not even MEAN GIRLS), I'm tempted. No one ever wants to do anything on the day before Thanksgiving, and according to Wikipedia, Chris Parnell plays "Veterinarian." I'm hoping it turns out that his last name is Spaceman.

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The day before Thanksgiving is the biggest bar night of the year where I'm from.

Or it used to be, I'm 100 years old.

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That makes sense, since everyone will be trying to have some fun before they have to spend an entire day with their families.

My favorite bar used to give patrons a free drink on their birthdays (unfortunately, I think that particular bit of largesse was a pandemic casualty), so I have definitely been out on the evening before Thanksgiving. I never noticed that it was especially crowded, though.

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Wattpad is a fanfiction platform mostly populated by tweens writing stories where male celebrities fall in love with their self-insert characters. Remember that movie After from a few years ago? (Everyone in the world: "No.") That was also a Wattpad thing, originally based on one of the One Direction boys.

All this is to say that yes, "based on the Wattpad sensation" is the best possible tagline. I wonder who Broccoli Head is a thinly-veiled version of?

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A fanfiction platform you say...

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Remember us little people when you get a big movie deal based on your Vince fanfiction

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I was thinking of current NFL quarterbacks and couldn't come up with one, so I settled on Tom Brady and lol'ed at the idea of a Gen Z tween writing a fanfic about his old, weird-ass.

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Pump the breaks. Tom Brady is not only a Michigan man and the best qb of all time, he is the greatest living American.

Check out my Wampadd fan fic or whatever.

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I understood a lot of these words.

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So Juno Temple is the ad girl from Ted Lasso and the BA from the last season of Fargo and whatever this is?

Sure, Lisa. Some kind of magical animal that provides us with ham and bacon and porkchops. Pssh.

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"The Black See" is a comedy about an African Pope starring Eddie Murphy.

...

What? It's "The Black Sea"? Whatever, I like my idea better.

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Sam: You're gonna have to give her a moment, son. Maria Callas has to think about her entire life before she sings.

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I agree that Luca Guadagnino is also the best, but he's doing an American Psycho remake?? Idkkkk

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This feature is not dumb at all! I'm a big movie fan but also a hater deep in my core. It is great to get a fellow hater's takes on upcoming movies.

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gabba gabba we accept you we accept you…

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Bummed that A24 didn’t listen to Donny from Quinzee and make the poster “Daniel Craig is queer”

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My main takeaway from this is that there are not many movies coming out I want to see (maybe the Soderbergh movie).

Similarly, I was readying the November new TV show and movie lists on a different site, and was pretty excited for several of the TV shows (The Day of the Jackal, Say Nothing, Dune: Prophesy, Interior Chinatown, and Get Millie Black) and literally none of the movies. I feel like this has been pretty consistent for the last 5-10 years.

I know Vince is a movie reviewer, so I don't want to slag on movies in general, but it just seems like most of the content I am drawn to these days are shows. Last year was a good one for movies, but that seems like the exception more than the rule these days.

Is it a result of auteurs with original ideas geared towards adults being pushed/drawn into TV by the idea of developing those ideas over multiple episodes/season? Is it the proliferation of tentpole movies and big franchises sucking up all the theatrical space? Is it that the general bubble of prestige TV has yet to burst due to streaming service content needs? I'm at a loss to effectively explain this trend.

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