This Week In Movie Posters, August 9th.

Checking in with this week's movie posters, featuring giant sharks, creepy little kids, and Uma Thurman.

It feels like I keep trying to write thoughtful essays these days, which is fine, but sometimes you just want to point at pictures and make fart jokes. For that we have This Week In Movie Posters. All posters via IMPA.

Oh damn, you know things are about to get serious when Hilary Swank is doing the Hilary Swank Face. It’s hard to believe now that my first experience of Hilary Swank was as the hot new Karate Kid I had a crush on. Come on, bro, look at that fit. I was smitten.

Anyway, I hope nothing bad happens to any kids in this movie called “The Good Mother” that has police tape in the poster.

“Hungry for a hero?”

Try this burger box full of… uh… Blue Beetle’s suit, I guess? What is that little burger-looking thing supposed to be? Am I supposed to know?

I’m not sure how the hamburger theme relates, honestly. It reminds me of those 10 years when everyone just adapted the “Got Milk?” slogan for everything, regardless of what they were promoting or whether it was even loosely a play on words. “Got Transvaginal Mesh??”

This makes me wonder the same sorts of things all the Got Milk copycats made me wonder: was that turn of phrase really worth it? Seems sort of nonsensical. “What did the five fingers say to the face? BLUE BEETLE!”

Kenneth Branagh is back! …And he brought his double mustache. OOOH WAH-AH AH-AH!

There have been some cool posters for this movie, but this isn’t one of them. Maybe it’s supposed to mimic the art in the original graphic novel? I’m not looking that up. All I know is that it reminds me of that trivia poster I see in bars all the time that I hate. Do not mad dog me, guy in a “RAMENS” shirt, I will put you in a metal garbage can and kick it down a hill.

Did you know Stanley Nelson won three primetime Emmys and got a medal from Obama? I had to look that up. Anyway, apparently Sound Of The Police is a documentary about police violence. Which does make it a little weird that it’s named after a ubiquitous mid-2010s needle drop. I don’t know that a serious documentary should remind me of Kevin Smith’s Cop Out.

“Introducing the Sewer Boys?” You have my attention.

Unfortunately I’m going to need another asterisk to understand the meaning of that asterisk. “F.I.T.?” So… like, Fashion Institute Of Technology? And why is it on his crotch? Google has been no help here.

…IT’S CUM! (now imagine the sound effects).

Sorry. I’m so sorry. It would be cool if that was his superpower though. He just has so much of it! You really want to make a bad guy regret a life of crime, send in Blue Beetle to cover them in hot cum.

“He’s a superhero whether he likes it or not.”

I dunno, it seems like he likes it.

It took me a second to realize Eileen Dietz was an actress in The Exorcist, since the way this is laid out could just as easily mean “Eileen Dietz, the Exorcist, in a Joe Cornish film…”

Seems we got us a real Lionel Hutz situation here.

Anyway… remember Joe Cornish? He directed Attack the Block, which everyone loved, then disappeared for a while (IMDB tells me he also directed The Kid Who Would Be King, in 2019). Well, now he’s back! With… Night Of The Caregiver. More like… Night Of The SCAREgiver, if you ask me. Night Of The Mare-giver.

Anyway, it looks like it’s about a cryptkeeper looking dude, and this time? Oh yeah, he’s upside down. An inverted ass bad guy. Terrifying.

Satanic Hispanics? Is this a movie or a ska band? Not gonna lie, I would enjoy the ska band.

Aw, their legs are mirroring! And they’re allllmost pointing their crotches at each other, but not quite. Just kind of flirty. It’s more tasteful that way. More erotic. The crotch lines merely cross streams right in between them, a perfect power balance. It seems like the ideal relationship. Would that we were all idly rich twinks.

“Terror goes viral!”

Oh man. So it’s about demonic possession, but also a creepy little kid, AND it’s… online?

Related: Is there any concept mediocre movie producers love more than “going viral?”

Okay, you have three names and three faces. Is it so hard to align the damned things? Let’s say Uma Thurman’s contract stipulated she had to have top billing. Stick her on the left! What, would it be “too gay” for Joe Manganiello and Samuel Jackson to be side by side? …You know, now that I think about it, I can see how close proximity to Joe Manganiello might turn a man more gay.

Not as much in this poster though, which weirdly made him look like Elijah Wood.

Die slow! Because it’s a sloth! And the title is a lisp! This poster is perfect, let’s not ruin it by trying to make it into a movie.

Also, “Bianca Beckles-Rose” is my placeholder name for every woman under 30.

God bless Meg 2: The Trench. I feel like the longer I stare at the poster, the bigger the shark gets.

I sort of enjoy the geometry of this poster for The Great Escaper — horizontal title, diagonal subjects, title exploding out from it — even though it has a certain Clip Art quality to it.

…Wait. Hold up. “Michael Cane!” I can’t believe I just got that.