This Week In Movie Posters, January 16, 2024

Airplane heists, spooky ballerinas, an Amy Winehouse biopic, and more.

Welcome to The #Content Report, a newsletter by Vince Mancini. I’ve been writing about movies, culture, and food since the aughts. Now I’m delivering it straight to you, with none of the autoplay videos, takeover ads, or chumboxes of the ad-ruined internet. Support my work and help me bring back the cool internet by subscribing, sharing, commenting, and keeping it real.

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Sorry about the lack of This Week In Movie Posters content last week, I ended up writing about Saltburn again instead. Sorry not sorry? Anyway, excusing yesterday’s holiday, we’re back on schedule. Now then…

Welcome to the This Week In Movie Posters, the feature in which we go through all the week’s new movie posters and read way too much into them. Blessed are the paid subscribers, as without them, none of this would be possible. All posters via IMPA.

We begin this week with Orion in the Dark, a Dreamworks animated movie where everyone has big googly eyes. I’m not mad about it. Between this and Wish it’s been a banner year for kids movies about sentient stars. Who knew this would be such a rich vein of content?

I always imagine the two-movies-about-the-same-thing-at-the-same-time phenomenon being a fascinating conundrum for some future historians. Like, what forces came together in 1997 that made us ripe for two movies about volcanos?

Poster: Abigail. Tagline: “Children can be such monsters.”

As the father of a toddler, trust me, I know. My kid is currently in a phase where he only wears blue shirts. Could be worse, I guess. Like, he could be…. getting bled on from above? Is that what we’re meant to infer is going on here? Maybe she hung someone up and slit their throat? Probably I’ve overthought it already. It’s got blood and a creepy little kid is probably all they were trying to convey here. And ballerina skirts add extra creepy factor.

Maybe it’s like a Muppet Babies version of Black Swan?

Uh oh, two horror movies in a row! Wait, no, this one says it’s a documentary. I guess someone used their phone to stalk and kill some people. People are using their phones for all sorts of things these days, aren’t they.

Whoa, Aaron Taylor-Johnson’s wife — er, the director of Fifty Shades of Grey — made an Amy Winehouse biopic and this is the first I’m hearing about it?

My low opinion of biopics these days aside, Amy Winehouse’s personal styling seems like a gift to future biopic makers. You could put just about any actress in the same getup and get an instant “Whoa, she looks just like Amy Winehouse!” reaction.

Shame Marisa Abela isn’t more well known, “Whoa, so-and-so looks just like Amy Winehouse!” could drive an entire mini news cycle these days.

Ooh, Mother’s Instinct has two Academy Award winners heading up the cast! Not a lot to go on yet, plot wise, but so far as I can tell, “mother’s instinct” involves standing imperiously behind curtains and doors while running your fingertips along them.

Damn, I didn’t think “upside down shark” was going to be such an effective visual device. It’s like an eyeless Joker smile. I was so transfixed it took me a second to notice the whole airplane down there. Maybe they could just live inside the plane for a while until rescue comes? Looks like the lights are still on in the back.

Look, they didn’t have time to perfectly Photoshop all the hair, okay? They were probably busy remastering.

You’d think if you were going to make one actor the focal point of the poster and have her head all huge at the top that you’d at least tell us her name. That just seems like the logical thing to do.

As I’ve said, sparks are a great dad movie poster shorthand for “lots of action,” but snow and ice flakes seem to work in a pinch as well. Who is the frozen sparks lady? No one knows!

“Da hoive is cleah.”

I like the implication that it was just one guy in that building causing all the trouble with the fire and the global economy, and Jason Statham just had to go in there and haul him out by the scruff of his neck. I like to imagine the next shot will be him clapping his palms together to celebrate a job well done.

I understand the necessity of Photoshop for a poster like this, but could we try just a little harder? Where is the corner of that record supposed to be going? Is it bending space-time?

Years ago on FilmDrunk, we designed a series of posters for fake Vince Vaughn/Owen Wilson comedies. I think one of them was called “Adult Softball League.” Players clearly stole our idea.

Why is Gina Rodriguez the only one in this not wearing a button-up? She’s Onclearly the only one here who’s serious about softball.

Naked people? I’m in!

Upon second glance, I’m really just fixated on this guy:

What is that pose! What is he doing? Is he mocking someone? Why the top knot? I have no idea but it keeps making me laugh. If you follow the main guy’s eyeline it looks like he’s transfixed by the same thing.

STOP THE PRESSES! The faces and names are actually lined up! Someone finally did it! Those crazy bastards actually did it!

I’m also begging directors to muss up Frank Grillo’s hair just a little bit. He always looks like he just stepped out of a blow dry salon and I cannot take him seriously. He’s fighting in a cage match with fluffy hair and a henley shirt! Fluffy hair must be in his rider.

This poster is really funny if you look at it and then imagine all the people in it are cutting big farts.

Lift? It doesn’t look like any of these people lift.

Or is it “lift” like the force that makes planes fly and also the synonym for the act of stealing? Okay now that I think about it that second one makes way more sense.

I admit that I haven’t seen Days of Heaven, but this (beautiful) poster looks like it could be the poster for virtually any Terrence Malick movie. My man loves his gently swaying stalks of wheat.

Going with an American Gothic-style design was absolutely the right choice. A scythe, a musket, and Mads Mikkelson? Give it to me now.

“From executive producer Bill Burr and the director of Grandma’s Boy.”

Is that a tease or a threat? Anyway, I’m guessing this is about a girl who likes to take drugs.

Bosco! Is this was Costanza was going on about?

I don’t know if there’s a connection, but Tyrese Gibson being super serious always cracks me up.

New Podcasts!

-I was live in-studio with Matt this week to discuss the Golden Globes and canceled-actors’ booming careers in foreign markets.

-Matt recorded a new episode of Bad Hasbara with Daniel Maté.