This Week In Posters, May 30th 2024

Glen Powell is a Hit Man, Beetlejuice is back, plus the usual assortment of mismatched names/face and non-diagetic lens flares.

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This Week In Movie Posters

Welcome to the This Week In Movie Posters, the feature in which we go through all the week’s new movie posters and read way too much into them. As some commentators have noted recently, one of the issues the movie business is having is that most of the ways people traditionally used to hear about new movies are dead now. We won’t go so far as to call this public service, but we’re doing our part.

Blessed are the paid subscribers, as without them, none of this would be possible. All posters via IMPA.

This week’s This Week In Posters begins, through the vagaries of the image-adding function, with Furiosa. I loved the movie. As for the poster, it’s got lots of sparks, which as we know, denote great excitement (lots of posters just throw those in there for flair, but the Mad Max is actually mostly about grinding metal so it works). Other than that, all I’ll say is, ma’am, can we offer you some buccal fat?

Boy, Celine Dion looks like she hasn’t aged a day. And neither has how much she annoys me for whatever reason. There are a few artists who seem like their entire fanbase consists of weird aunts.

Ah yes, Beetlejuice Beetlejuice, I believe we’ve discussed this project. The poster boldly declares, “You’ve waited an eternity for this.”

Low-hanging fruit here maybe, but no, I have not. Aside from that, the focus on the hands makes Beetlejuice sort of look like a self-conscious teen desperately hoping his crush will call.

Aw, fluffy hair man’s daughter loves him, that’s sweet. This looks like one of those AI generated images that Facebook Boomers see and comment “heartwarming.”

What is it about this poster that makes it feel cheap? Is it the title font? The fog machine imagery? Still, mystery and adventure does sound good. I like those.

Cool poster here for A Sacrifice. The imagery says “generation-spanning romance” but the title and tagline say “cult-themed folk horror.” I’m intrigued enough to look it up:

American social psychologist Ben Monroe investigates a local cult connected to a disturbing event, while his daughter becomes embroiled with a mysterious local boy. [IMDB]

Ha, I got it right on the second guess. Eric Bana seems like he was born to play a guy named “Ben Monroe,” doesn’t he?

“G’day, cunts, Oy’m Ben Minrauur, ah’nt Oy. Wat’s the wohd with this weyud cunt, hey? Seems loike he’s not on.”

Grrr, negative space! I actually like this design. It’s like the horizon line tells you it’s going to be uplifting.

Personally I like my prison movies hornier than this, but ymmv.

In case you can’t read Spanish and aren’t up on your pseudo-Christian movies, this is one of a new batch of posters for Ordinary Angels. That bizarre face she’s doing is “wise, tough love mom.” You only recognize it if you’ve seen at least three faith-based films. Also, snow flurries and lens flares are to faith-based film posters what sparks are to action film posters.

Speaking of batches of character posters out of order, here’s one of a new batch for Hit Man, starring Glen Powell. Seems like he’s in everything nowadays, doesn’t it? Hit Man, more like It Man, am I right? Put him in whatever costume you like, his aggressive eye contact still reads “gay porn star” to me.

God damn, how many things do we need called “Trigger Warning?” I count no less than 27 exact or partial matches on IMDB. Maybe it’s time to retire this one.

Gah, spider, kill it! Also, a spider movie directed by someone named “Roach?” Seems like she should have to recuse herself from this one. Conflict of interest.

Mismatched face and name alert! This is actually a twist on the “closed-eyed headbutt” poster design that’s so common in Nicholas Sparks and romance-novel type movies. Only she has her eyes open which sort of fits with the Henry VIII theme (she’s trying to keep her eye on him to keep from getting beheaded, you could say). It works.

Also, I have to agree with Alicia Vikander being bottled lightning. I’m still thinking about her in Green Knight. And Jude Law as Henry VIII is one of those casting choices that seems wrong at first, but the more you think about it the more you realize that it’s actually perfect. Firebrand, you say? Yes, I will see this.

Here’s another for A Sacrifice, starring Eric Bana as Ben Monroe. Seems like they’re really going for an Ari Aster thing with these. I’m not against it.

I’m really glad I saw Cha Cha Real Smooth and The Lost Daughter, because before those I would see Dakota Johnson and think “underacting nepo baby,” but ever since I find her weirdly adorable. And Tig Notaro? Sad that this comes out in less than a week and this is the first I’m hearing about it.

Hey, it’s Reacher! He’s in the Christian snow flurry movie? Bad poster, doesn’t provide enough sense of scale. I don’t know anything about Reacher other than Alan Ritchson is very large in it. Men only want one thing, and it’s Alan Ritchson being large. They should put Martin Scorsese in this for scale, to show how large Alan Ritchson is. He’s like three Scorseses tall!

“Under Paris” sounds like a sex tape I once saw. I kid, I kid.

“What if shark big?” is an evergreen plot. The poster sells it well. Shark look big.

Uh huh, Willem Dafoe, not even you can trick me into seeing this.

Glen Powell looks weirdly like Joseph Gordon-Levitt in this.

Remember Winona Ryder in Beetlejuice? She still has the same haircut. We love our IP, don’t we folks?

I can see the desperation in Michael Keaton’s eyes. He doesn’t want this anymore than we do. Set him free.

When Richard Gere and Diane Kruger are in a movie together, I expect glowing sunsets, maybe some horseback riding on the beach. Whatever this is, it’s something different. It looks like someone is “longing” for a big Amazon woman to crush his testicles with stilettos (it’s not my kink, but it’s a kink).

Weird, but fine, I’m intrigued. Let’s go to the tape:

A business mogul runs into his old small town girlfriend while she is visiting the big city only to find out that they had a child together that he was unaware of. Based on an award winning foreign language film.

Huh, not exactly what I was expecting. Perhaps “with magical realist elements?” It’s not Michel Gondry, but it looks like it could be.

Why do I feel like I’ve seen more promo for Sweet Tooth than anything else on Netflix? Still haven’t seen it. You guys go ahead and report back.

Here’s Glen Powell in disguise as Glen Powell. Why do I feel like he has permanent “peering over the tops of sunglasses” face?

And here’s one for Beverly Hills Cop 4, aka Beverly Hills Cop: Axel F, which as I said before, sounds like a promo code you type in to get 20% off on socks. You think Axel Foley just has a closet full of identical Detroit Lions letterman jackets? I don’t want to be a hater, but I don’t know how anyone could’ve seen Beverly Hills Cop 3 and still be excited for Beverly Hills Cop 4.

Hilary Swank has an Oscar for God’s sake! She should never have to make this face in a poster! We should start a GoFundMe or something, this is ridiculous.

Here’s the poster for Late Bloomers, which just screams “acclaimed arthouse release you always meant to check out but don’t.”

Here’s Zachary Levi (who was honestly perfect in the first Shazam!) in Harold and the Purple Crayon. I’m sorry, is Zachary Levi playing Harold? I haven’t read that book (Wikipedia tells me it’s from 1955) but Zachary Levi is 43. That seems a little old to be playing with crayons.

I unironically enjoy the character design for Thelma the Unicorn, Dreamworks Face notwithstanding.

I haven’t seen an equine with this much moxie since War Horse!

I’m sorry, the actress’s name is “Skywalker?” Let’s just say I’m not surprised that the parents who named their daughter Skywalker also turned her into a child actress.