Top Chef Power Rankings, Week 10
Dépanneur? Je Hardly Know ‘eur!
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This season of Top Chef has been pretty fantastic overall, with great food, likable competitors, and mostly interesting challenges (minus last week’s episode and most of Last Chance Kitchen). One thing this season notably hasn’t had much of is conflict. I’m a sucker for stories about people I like being friends, but I also recognize that it’s easier to have a rooting interest in any competition when the two sides present a natural contrast. And this week’s episode came out hot trying to gin up some.
It all started in “the stew room” (that’s where they wait for the results of judges' table, not where they make stew). Tristen aka Big Baby was doing his usual thing, trying to give Vinny Apple Soup a pep talk (see also: “Flex you, don’t flex someone else’s accomplishments”). Tristen was expounding on his food philosophies, brimming with the kind of confidence one earns from absolutely dominating this competition (who wouldn’t be feeling themselves, in Tristen’s place?). The subject was: how to tie a story to a dish.
“I can't make food that doesn't have a narrative,” Tristen explained, maybe a little too definitively.
At which point Massimo immediately (or so the editors made it seem) piped up, “I don't cook with a narrative,” maybe a little too adversarially. “I cook with… what are the most beautiful products in front of me, and how I would want to eat it?”
This led into a confessional interview with Tristen, where he basically said that Massimo is everything he’s battling against as a chef — specifically the fine-dining world’s traditional over-emphasis on French and Italian food.
Fair! It’s a good contrast! Makes for good TV.
I also think they were both kind of saying the same thing, albeit in different ways. The whole “food has to tell a story” thing is a little bit of a cliché, and it does makes it sound as if every sandwich is a memoir. Which is a little overwrought, but the basis of it is relevant. “Food should tell a story,” is basically saying: in a world where you can get any ingredient you want at any time virtually from anywhere, you should have a story that explains why you chose the particular ingredients that you put together. Chefs in the 80s, in the first blush of food from anywhere all the time, maybe went a little too crazy being able to put just anything together just because they felt like it. It ended up feeling a little soulless, a little scattered, kind of arbitrary, and generally just bad in a tacky McMansion kind of way. Sort of a just because you can, doesn’t mean you should situation. And also, just throwing shit together with no rhyme or reason is kind of anti-food. Food has seasons. You eat what’s ripe, what you can catch, what you can prepare before it spoils. Traditionally, anyway.
Massimo, in his way, seemed to be talking up seasonality specifically (“what are the most beautiful products…”), and that is a story, even if he’s not acknowledging it as such. He’s trying to tell the story of the region and the season and its traditions, even if he’s not thinking of that as “a story.” It feels like a dish has a soul when the ingredients and techniques speak to a particular time, place, and tradition. “People and place” are the root of every story, and that goes for food too. Maybe I’m applying more thought and coherency here than originally intended, but I think they were kind of agreeing, even if they didn’t know it.
The Last Chance Kitchen Winner Returns!
(*world’s shortest drumroll*) It was César!
Which was a little anti-climactic on account of César barely went home an episode ago. It also ruined my conspiracy theory, which was that the reason that no one acknowledged that Katianna’s brother was on Veep during the entire show was that she would go onto win Last Chance Kitchen. And then once she came back, there would be plenty of time to talk about her Veep brother and how she and Kristen were both Korean adoptees and all the potential storylines therein and blah blah blah. Alas, twas not to be! Twas Cesar instead! This is why I always kind of love when people accuse this show of making elimination decisions based on what would make good television. I don’t think they give a shit! Which actually makes it better TV.
The Quickfire
This week’s episode transported us (spiritually, if not physically) to Montreal, beginning with a quickfire and a big reveal. They’d turned the kitchen into a traditional Quebecois bodega! And French bodegas are apparently called “dépanneur” in Canada. What a stupid name! “Bodegoise” was right there!
That meant the chefs would have to create a dish using only ingredients from a bodegoise and the leftover pantry ingredients. And, in honor of guest judge Punkie Johnson (a foodie comedian), cook them using only the electric appliances in the kitchen (pressure cookers and air fryers, mostly). All the bodegoise items were only in FRONCH, and so we got to learn lots of fun new Quebecois food word. Like what a “creton” is. Apparently, it’s “a forcemeat-style pork spread containing onions and spices.”
Listen, if I wanted a forcemeat-style pork spread I’d call— no no, I promised myself fewer mom jokes this week. Not gonna do it!
The Elimination Challenge
The elimination challenge was once again meant to pay homage to Montreal. Specifically, the fact that it has “one of the largest urban agricultural programs in the world.”
“The green roof revolution,” they’re calling it (and by “they” I mean definitely someone on the Montreal tourism board’s communication team). I do love a rooftop greenhouse though. Speaks directly to my personal motto: “just grow shit anywhere!”
The challenge: “design your dishes using only Montreal rooftop ingredients and leftover ingredients from the Top Chef pantry. And base it on one of Montreal’s four seasons.”
What seasons do they have in Montreal? Hockey, syrup, moose-rut, and lingerie. Just kidding, they were the regular ones. Kind of disappointing!
In any case, the chefs challenge was to: tell the story of that season! Ha, and I bet you thought my opening rant would never turn out to be relevant.
This week’s guest judges (joining Punkie Johnson) were Antonio Park, Fred Morin, and Fisun Ercan, all of Quebec. Fisun Ercan is originally from Turkey, which is why her name sounds like an evil computer program (I’m allowed to shade the Turks, I’m part Armenian). Also, can we get her back? I thought she was being persnickety at first, but then I started to realize that all of her criticisms were dead on. And she found beautiful ways to express them, like when she described a dish as “It’s maybe a little bit like somebody wearing a tuxedo with shorts.”
Great critique! I demand more Fiscun Ercan! Did anyone else feel this way? Where my other Ficuniacs at?!
Anyway, great food once again, and almost everyone made some variation on a dumpling. Which felt like a gift to me personally. I’m a dumpling daddy til the day I die.
RESULTS
Quickfire Top: Massimo. César*. Shuai.
Quickfire Bottom: Tristen, Bailey, Lana, Vinny.
Elimination Top: Massimo, Shuai*, Bailey.
Elimination Bottom: Tristen, Lana, Vinny**, Cesar.
(*Winner, **Eliminated).
POWER RANKINGS (change from last week)
7. (-5) ((Eliminated)) Vincenzo Loseto
AKA: Vinny Apple Soup. Michael Squara. Quarter Zip. Malorkus.
Rankings History (recent to oldest): 7 2 2 3 4 4 4 4 1.
This week was vindication and eating crow for my rankings, in about equal measure. Vinny Apple Soup certainly represented the eating crow part. Almost every week since week one, people have been saying that I had Vinny too high. This week’s Vinny elimination suggests that perhaps they were right. (PERHAPS).
Vinny seemed to take what Tristen told him to heart, and he stayed on brand at least through the quickfire. Vinny’s brand? Being a grown-up child. He made the judges an uncrustable, which was actually such a brilliant concept that they all laughed when they saw it. Unfortunately, he also chose to pair goat cheese and paté inside that uncrustable, a combination that had Vinny himself making this face when he tasted it:
Not a great sign, and it didn’t go over any better with the judges.
My favorite moment of subtle comedy came slightly after that, when Vinny went home to the Top Chef house and immediately making himself an uncrustable, with peanut butter and jelly.
Oh Vinny, you beautiful toddler. I want to take you to the park and push you on the swings.
Vinny drew spring in the elimination challenge and made some lamb dumplings (YES! YESS!!!!) with two kinds of mushrooms and a lamb consommé. It looked great, but the broth was apparently too rich and/or gamey/funky to read spring. And with little margin for error in this competition, that funky broth ended up being Vinny’s deah knell. Ayy, you’re consommakin’ me sick over here!
His dish clearly just didn’t do a good enough job telling a story. Vinny is a lot of things, but “funky” ain’t one of them. Maybe he should’ve done a riff on ants on a log? That would’ve been on-brand, at least. Ah, well, hindsight. RIP, Vinny, we’ll never forget you serving soup inside a smoke-filled apple.
Elimination Challenge Dish: Lamb dumplings with morel mushrooms, enoki mushrooms, and English peas.
Judges’ Critiques: "It was a very pretty springy dish to me." "I was missing some components." "There is an aggressiveness to the consommé, there is a funk to it."
6. (even) Bailey Sullivan
AKA: Lisa Frank. Tchochkies. Il Mano Italiano. Manic Pixie Dream Chef.
Rankings History: 6 6 7 7 7 8.
These next few rankings are admittedly a toss-up. True, Bailey had a hit with her elimination challenge dish this week, which was maybe her strongest performance of the competition. But I also can’t remember her ever having two strong dishes in a row, and she already got eliminated once, so my gut says she goes on the lower end still.
It also seemed like Tom kind of bailed her out this week. This was Fisun’s face when she tasted Bailey’s dish:
Hey, is this agrodolce or aggro-dolce, am I right?
I thought for sure Baley would be going home for that, but Tom piped up to say that he liked Bailey’s aggressive agrodolce, and Tom seems to carry outsized weight these days (much like your mom).
The dish was polarizing, kind of like Bailey’s personality. It was hard to know who was right without tasting it, but I actually liked this side of Tom; the side that takes bold stands to defend creativity. Artist Tom and Persnickety Tom are in a constant battle with each other. (There are two wolves inside Tom Colicchio. Which one wins? The one you feed agrodolce, clearly).
Elimination Challenge Dish: Squash agrodolce, crispy polenta, smoked labneh, and brussels sprouts.
Judges’ Critique(s): "My first bite, holy cow I got hit by a baseball bat." "wow." "The agrodolce is aggressive, but I like it because the squash is really rich." "I like this dish." "This is my favorite dish of the day." "Feels like a condiment not a dish to me." "A little bit like somebody in a tuxedo with shorts."
5. (even) Massimo Piedimonte
AKA: Sylvio Celine-Dionnte. Gouido. Pietro Le Pew. Le Situación. French Horn.
Rankings History: 5 5 6 6 6 9 11 12 11.
It’s funny that Massimo and Tristen got in a little fight about the value of storytelling in food, considering Massimo never presents a dish without practically doing a one-man show first. You don’t cook with a narrative? You’re practically doing a softshoe routine, you scenery-chewing dandy! And thank God, Massimo is half the reason this season is so entertaining (especially after they did Big Cabbage so dirty). The Top Chef producers should buy Massimo a new BMW for all the entertainment he’s giving us this season.
For the Elimination Challenge, Massimo did some kind of chicken mousse, stuffed between the skin and meat of a chicken, cooked inside a “salt crust.” It actually looked like he mixed the salt with celery root, and put parchment paper between the salt mixture and the chicken (which would seem to defeat the purpose?). Not entirely sure what was going on there, and I wish the editors had maybe been a little more clear on it.
The judges mostly liked Massimo’s dish, and it definitely seemed like an interesting one. But I have to agree with Fisun’s critique. There was something missing, wasn’t there? How are you going to make a winter dish with no root vegetables?? Make with the potatoes, Monsieur Le Pew!
Elimination Challenge Dish: Salt crust chicken with chicken farce & cream sauce.
Judges’ Critique(s): "It was nice." "While I enjoyed the taste, there is something missing to make it more comforting."
4. (even) Lana Lagomarsini
AKA: Breeze. L Train. Choach. B+. Jessa.
Rankings History: 4 4 4 3 6 8 9 10.
Does Lana deserve to go higher than top-three finishers this week Bailey and Massimo? After Lana’s double-bottom-three finish this week? I don’t know! I suppose you could make a case that she doesn’t, but in a competition with so many mercurial competitors, Lana has been a steady Eddie middle-of-the-pack finisher basically every week. I also feel like she’s the supportive friend in every rom-com come to life. I kind of love her.
This week, Lana drew fall and attempted to pay tribute to her quarter-German roots with a kielbasa-infused plate of spätzle. It looked and sounded really good, and about the worst the judges could say about it was that it was monotonous, the garnishes shouldn’t have all been the same size, and there wasn’t enough spätzle for it to be called a spätzle. What is the correct amount of spätzle to be called a spätzle? There should be a law. And if anyone was going to make it, it’d be the Germans.
This was the other Tom Colicchio, by the way, the one who constantly gets hung up on arcane points of nomenclature.
Elimination Challenge Dish: Butternut squash spätzle, sauteed kielbasa, sauerkraut juice compressed apples.
Judges’ Critique(s): "It could've been a smaller dish." "It is heavy and monotonous, but it is really good." "There's more garnish than spätzle here."