Top Chef Power Rankings, Week 7: Guess My Stains
AKA: The Pie That Made Me Smile. AKA: Rice Rice Baby. AKA: Pizza? Pho-gettaboutit!
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God, I love Top Chef. One of my favorite things that this show does is to give the chefs some prompt like “push the boundaries! Expand the possibilities of what food can be! Challenge our very notions of palatability! Go ca-raaaaaaazy!!!!”
And then you fast-forward 20 minutes later to judges table, and the same judges are raking a contestant over the coals screaming, “You call this a vichyssoise, you dolt?? A vichyssoise is garnished with chives!!”
I guess it speaks to the essential dichotomy of food. We pretend we want something “new,” but mostly we just want the things we already like in a new package. So if you ever find yourself on this show (and maybe you will, I don’t know your life) just know that you’re always better off giving an old dish a new name rather than giving a new dish an old name. A name people already know just empowers the little know-it-all inside all of us (and especially inside Tom Colicchio). Hey! That’s not saltimbocca!
This is all a long way of saying that this week’s episode had an elimination challenge that asked the chefs to “Create your own pizza pies that push the limits, and start a conversation!”
Smash cut to the elimination, and Tom Colicchio shouting, “It's a pizza challenge! We got a bowl of rice!”
Reinvent it! Think outside the box! Be creative! …No, not like that!
Oh, Tom. Never change.
Anyway, we’re getting ahead of ourselves, because this week’s episode opened, on the heels of last week, with a few open questions: was Henry too shook after the mise-en-trash disaster to regain his confidence? Was Shuai too overcome with shame and embarassment after chucking all of Henry’s stuff in the trash to “cook his food?” To thine own food be true! It’s one of the Top Chef ten commandments right after “no fucking risotto!”
But when the contestants showed up to the set and saw Kristen Kish standing in front of a display of dirty dishes, we knew we would have to put all these questions aside in order to hawk some dish soap. That’s right, this week, the chefs would be playing a spirited game of “Guess the Stain.”
“You’ll each be using these stains as inspiration for your dishes,” Kish said, gesturing grandly at food-caked cookware. I kept imagining what this challenge would look like had it been sponsored by Dude Wipes. Spon-con aside, it was actually another pretty cleverly-conceived challenge, in which the chefs had to choose a dirty dish, and then reinterpret whatever entree had made the stain: oatmeal, meat sauce, lasagna, egg yolks, guacamole, coffee, mac and cheese, and fluffy rice.
After that, it was time for a pizza party! A nice, straightforward individual challenge to just make a nice-a pizza pie. Judging said challenge would be OG Top Chef judge-maestro Wiley Dufresne and Spike Mendelsohn from Top Chef season 4!
Spike Mendelsohn?! Top Chef’s very own Chester Cheetah?? God, you guys have no idea how easy it was to give chef nicknames back in reality TV’s Attitude Era.
Spike is actually Quebecoise (who knew?) with Greek ancestry. Which was a perfect segue into Kristen Kish’s tie-in story about how the Hawaiian pizza was actually invented right here in Canada! Well fuck my moose hole with a roll of Loonies, I had no idea!
Apparently it was a Greek-Canadian restaurateur with Chinese food experience, who first invented the now-ubiquitous pineapple-and-Canadian-bacon concoction and named it after the brand of canned pineapples he used. He said that his dream was to one day have his invention bitterly argued over by the most boring people on Earth. The show then “leaned in” to the “dull arguments political pundits had on Twitter in 2012” theme with a fun vignette of the judges arguing over Chicago-style pizza. Tom kicked the whole thing in the nuts, quipping “I think deep dish is to pizza what a hot dog is to a sandwich.”
Oh you beautiful man.
They also brought up another Canadian invention, the sushi pizza, as another inspired twist on the pizza format. That’s what the contestants were supposed to do. Reinvent pizza. Get creative. Fuse cultures.
Only one contestant was bold enough to actually serve a rice-based pizza, and for his troubles, the judges shot him to death right there in the studio, cackling as he bled out on the floor. Ah well. I guess knowing how far is “too far” is the job of the artist.
This was Tom’s face when he saw the rice pizza:
Results:
Quickfire Top: Massimo. Henry*. Tristen.
Quickfire Bottom: Paula. Bailey. Cesar.
Elimination Top: Shuai, Tristen*, Vinny.
Elimination Bottom: Henry**, Paula, Cesar.
(*Winner. **Eliminated.)
Power Rankings (change from last week)
9. (-1) ((Eliminated)) Henry Lu
AKA: Shaolin. Hobbes. Bottom Queen.
Ranking History (Recent to oldest): 9 8 7 10 10 4.
Notable Quote: “This is the most Asian shit I've ever made in my life."
Quickfire Dish: Oat filled oat balls.
Elimination Challenge Dish: Pho rice pizza with pho marinated brisket, herb pesto, hoisin sriracha aioli.
Judges’ Critique(s): "I do like the flavor profiles." "It's really just kind of falling apart." "It's really just eating like a tartare with extra herbs."
Ah, well. Alas. The Bottom Queen finally got Anne Boleyn’d this week, and while it didn’t exactly come as a surprise, it was still sad to see.
As I noted, the big question this week was how Henry would bounce back from having half his dish shitcanned last week and almost going home for it. At first it seemed the answer was “really well.” In the Quickfire, Henry drew Oatmeal, which seemed like arguably the hardest draw, but ended up cooking a riff on glutinous rice balls made from pummeled oats, and took home the victory. Hooray, Henry!
Sadly it turned out to be short lived. Henry planned a riff on pho for his pizza (pizz-pho??) but accidentally left half of his flour at Whole Foods. He had to borrow flour and ended up with “dead dough” (which is also how I describe my love-making style). He had to try to pull off a last-minute pivot yet again, and this time he only shitcanned himself.
He tried to pull off the pho idea using crispy rice as the “pizza dough,” which actually didn’t sound like that bad an idea. Hell, I’ve been doing crispy rice in a pan ever since I saw Jacques Pepin demonstrate it. But the rice didn’t hold together, it fell apart on the spatula, Tom made the face, and the rest was history. Henry’s fatal mistake? Only crisping the rice on one side. You moron! You fool!
I wonder how it would’ve turned out if Henry had stayed with the pho pizza idea, but instead of crisp rice he had tried to do a rice-based dough. Kind of like you get on a bao bun. That seems like a decent base for an Asian fusion pizza — plus, the Chinese pancake thing seemed to work out pretty well for Shuai. But maybe there wasn’t rice flour to pull it off, or enough time to turn the rice into rice flour. Guess we’ll never know.
EDIT: Apparently bao (and scallion pancake) are also made of wheat flour, so none of my ideas would’ve worked either. You’d think my dumb ass would’ve known that, having worked in a Chinese restaurant where those things were made, but, uh… I’m very stupid, apparently.
8. (+1) Paula Endara
AKA: The Cheetah. Charmander. Como? Ojo Del Tigre. F+.
Ranking History: 9 10 12 13 13 .
Notable Quote: “Lasagna in 30 minutes? How you gonna rassado?” (translation: “how are you going to rest the dough?”)
Elimination Challenge Dish: Pineapple-braised pork with caramelized onions, chimichurri, and mornay sauce.
Just going to state the obvious here at the outset: How the hell is Pow-la still here?!? She added two more bottom-three finishes this week while managing, yet again, to screw up not quite as bad as someone else. She truly is a survivor (hence the new nickname, Ojo Del Tigre, after the Survivor hit “Eye of the Tiger”).
In the elimination challenge, she attempted a milk-dough-based pizza called a fugazzeta, which is apparently a thing in Argentina. “Fugazzeta? Fugazzettaboutit!” said the judges, when presented with Paula’s mushy, undercooked dough with too many toppings. Which was apparently still just good enough to beat out Henry’s rice bowl disaster.
As long as I’m Monday Morning Quarterbacking here, what if Pow-la had done a slight twist on her pineapple-pork idea and made an al-pastor pizza? Probably it’s my greater experience with Mexican food than with South American food speaking here, but super-hot, oven-crisped pork and pineapple seems like it would’ve mimicked vertical grill al pastor really well. And a pizza base instead of a tortilla would’ve been a fun twist. But again, hindsight. Al pastor pizza garnished with crispy white onion and queso fresco though? Tell me you wouldn’t eat that. You can’t, unless you’re a liar. I’m calling foul pastor.
7. Bailey Sullivan
AKA: Lisa Frank. Tchochkies. Il Mano Italiano. Manic Pixie Dream Chef.
Ranking History: 7 7 8.
Elimination Challenge Dish: Chicken parm pizza with tigelle bread, chicken thigh sausage, provolone, parmesan, and pecorino.
Judges’ Critique(s): "It's a little bready." "I find it way too grainy."
Tchochkies (sporting a white leather jacket with shoulder straps and black lapels this week) famously cooks with “an Italian hand,” and so this week’s pizza challenge seemed right up her alley. Il mio mano! She probably overthought it though, and her tigelle bread-based dough (the show never broke it down, but internet research tells me that tigelle is sort of like an English muffin) was maybe a bridge too far. Or perhaps it was her polarizing decision to use cornmeal to keep said dough from sticking to the pizza peel. Otherwise, her pizza looked and sounded pretty good.
Either way, Bailey couldn’t crack the top three on a challenge that seemed to play to her strengths. She finished in the bottom three in the quickfire, and so I can’t quite justify moving her out of the low end in the rankings. Solid B+ for fashion though.
6. Massimo Piedimonte
AKA: Sylvio Celine-Dionnte. Gouido. Le Situación. French Horn.
Ranking History: 6 6 9 11 12 11.
Notable Quote: "Some of the nicest hair in Canada is under one roof."
Elimination Challenge Dish: Napoletana style pizza with fermented parsley paste, potatoes, mussels, and clams.
Judges’ Critique(s): "I do appreciate the lightness of it."
Massimo nearly won another quickfire this week, but ended up being yet another molto Italiano-style chef who couldn’t quite crack the top three in a pizza challenge. Che tristezza! Probably it was because he attempted a riff on a classic clam pie, which is one of those pizza combinations that’s as polarizing as pineapple or cornmeal crust. I’m not opposed to shellfish pizza in concept — I feel like the no-fish-with-cheese rule doesn’t apply to shellfish, or else how would you explain clams casino, or every other heavily-dairy-based shellfish dish? But I do feel like the clams on a clam pizza always come out overcooked. And hey, if I wanted to eat an overcooked clam I’d call your mom.
5. Cesar Murillo
AKA: Nerdy Eric Balfour. Eric Balfoureyes. Hispanic Patrick Fischler. Patrick Fisch Tacos. Tiny Papillote. Lil Papi.
Ranking History: 5 2 5 7 8 3.
Elimination Challenge Dish: Mole negro pizza with chicken thighs, black bean salsa, and crispy chicken skin.
Judges’ Critique(s): "There's a good burn, and then there's an off-putting, bitter burn like this." "I couldn't finish it."
At the very least, Cesar cemented his characterization this week. All this time, I couldn’t figure out if Chef Cesar is one of the favorites this season or on the cusp of going home. He always seems to be either one or the other. This week, we acknowleged why. It’s because he’s always taking big swings, and sometimes, like last week’s pickle ice cream, they work out. Other times, like this week, they don’t.
He seemed like he had a pretty good idea: a mole negro pizza with chicken thighs and crispy chicken skin (crispy chicken skin: great garnish or greatest garnish?). Only he combined it with a really bad idea: adding cocoa powder to his pizza dough. It seemed like a logical enough decision, given that mole often has cocoa in it. But it turned out to be a critical error, in that cocoa powder not only makes pizza dough sticky, it also makes it burn easily and taste bitter when burnt. That’s a lot of bad things! At least three!
Cesar’s was clearly the least edible dish this week, but interestingly enough, the judges seemed to give him the benefit of the doubt, for a decent concept and a good-faith attempt. They don’t always do that, but I’m for it.
I actually think Cesar’s biggest mistake was something no one even mentioned. He always seems to succeed when he gives his dish a cute lil pun name, from his tiny papillotes to his “César Salad” last week. And then this week, “Little César’s” was right there. Come on, man! Pizza pizza! (Do they have Little Caesar’s in Canada? I bet they do but call it something really dumb, like Uncle Ramone’s).
4. (-1) Lana Lagomarsini
AKA: Breeze. L Train. Choach. B+. Jessa.
Ranking History: 4 3 6 8 9 10.
Notable Quote: “I love that lean in for you.”
Elimination Challenge Dish: Honeynut squash pizza with squash sauce, tamarind bbq oxtail, buttermilk dressing, and plantain chips.
Judges’ Critique(s): "Overall it's baked pretty well in the crust area." "The pureed squash is too dry."
No top finishes, no bottom finishes: classic week for Lana. With only nine chefs left, it’s almost a statistical anomaly that she can keep doing this (help, I can’t do math, my family is starving).
Last week I said I had been trying to put my finger on who Lana’s vibe reminded me of. I came up with Multiracial Jessa from Girls. And then this week, when Lana heard César was putting cocoa powder in his dough, she said “I love that lean-in for you,” which is arguably the most Jessa-from-Girls thing a human has ever said.
Anyway, this week Lana had me with “tamarind barbecued oxtail pizza with buttermilk dressing” but then she lost me with “squash sauce.” I don’t know that squash should even be consumed, let alone be a sauce. (Outside of butternut and pumpkin, I think most foods in the squash family would be better off as musical instruments than food).
I was also pretty surprised by all the positive comments on Lana’s pizza, given that the one we actually saw looked like this:
I’m going to give Lana (the judges?) the benefit of the doubt here and assume that the one she served them looked a lot better than the one she made specifically for the camera, because that is the most special needs-looking-ass pizza I’ve ever seen. That pizza looks a graphic medical photo in an anti-smoking ad. That pizza looks like someone got on the old Domino’s site and ordered None Pizza Left Burnt. That pizza looks like a rare picture of Kirby from Smash Bros’ problematic pre-fame Vaudeville act. That pizza… well okay you get it, it’s misshapen and burnt.