Top Chef Power Rankings, Week 6
Mise-En-Trash.
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Well, it was another week of Top Chef, come and gone, and with it, another great episode. This week brought us yet more great-looking food and oddly endearing contestants, but also some BIG DRAMA. Have you ever asked what would happen if you spent hours painstakingly knifing, tweezing, and extracting together a perfect edible Kandinsky palette of farm-to-table fussiness for a panel of the world’s most persnickety critics, only for some fucker to just chuck it all in the shitcan right before service?
NO WAY.
I had honestly not even considered that, but this week’s episode managed to unlock a brand new fear. This has to be the chef equivalent of that nightmare where you keep showing up to school without your homework. And the fact that it happened not between two screen-time-coveting would-be Vanderpumps, but two of the nicest guys that have maybe ever appeared on this show only made it all the more devastating. Honestly, fantastic television. And to think, we once thought a stolen pea purée was the height of drama.
Anyway, I’m getting ahead of myself. This week’s Quickfire Challenge was a classic of Top Chef getting that bag. The week’s sponsor? Chipotle. And if you decided to play a drinking game where you drank every time they said “Chipotle” during this challenge, my condolences to your family and pets because you are dead now. RIP, fictional Top Chef obscure drinking game guy.
The fact that a fast-casual chain beloved by drunk zoomers got legendary documentarian Errol Morris to film one of their commercials (I’ll never be able to forget the sound of his nasal honk exclaiming THE SOUNDTRACK OF CHIPOTLE?!) and are now doing a sponcon segment on Top Chef makes me think they’ve vastly misidentified their core demographic. Or maybe they haven’t? Hell, I like Chipotle just fine. It’s kind of a brilliant marketing strategy, especially in America. “What if you could eat fast food, and it wasn’t poison?”
Anyway, at least the transparently sponsored challenge was cleverly conceived. Turns out, the producers let the contestants order Chipotle during a break in filming and then stole their order! Or in other words, saved the receipt. Wow, is this Top Chef or a cautionary Black Mirror episode about the dangers of data mining? Why don’t you create an AI persona out of their social media post and see what the digital doppelganger orders?
Okay, so the challenge: as Kristen Kish laid it out: “Chipotle uses 53 real ingredients on their menu. For example, Vinny, your order has 20 of those real ingredients in it, so that's all you’re going to have access to for this challenge."
What do you think qualifies as a “real” ingredient here? I mean if you make a fine slurry out of chicken buttholes and deep fry it, aren’t the chicken buttholes and breading technically still “real ingredients?” Where does real end and fake begin? Do fake ingredients come from space? (Stole a few of my kid’s McNuggets last night, and I gotta say: them’s some tasty buttholes.). Real ingredients for the homies, fake ingredients for my fake friends.
Anyway, it was a clever enough challenge. There to judge it was Canadian food LEGEND Susur Lee, along with his son, Jet Bent-Lee.
Hold on, “Jet Bent-Lee?” That is far too close to “Get Bent Lee” for my tastes. Who named him, Bart Simpson?
In another interesting wrinkle, it seemed Jet Bent was about three feet taller than his dad:
Jaysus! In awe at the size of this lad! Absolute unit. I’m not sure how this even works, genetically. Who was the mother, Tony Robbins?
After that, it was time for this week’s elimination challenge. That one would be judged by none other than last season’s Top Chef winner, Danny Garcia. Ah yes, our favorite fastidious zoomer. The “Top Chef Glow Up” is such an established phenomenon at this point (where the chefs all seem to get stylists right after their seasons) that Bravo did a whole series of Instagram posts about it. But Danny was already so put together to begin with that there wasn’t really anywhere for him to go (glow?).
Instead he just sort of showed up looking like a high-fashion house painter:
“Another layer? Bet. This shirt jacket is fire.”
Danny was there to introduce the elimination challenge. Which would be based on… Pickles!
It’s funny that Top Chef did a whole spon-con segment for Chipotle preceding a pickle-based challenge that was not spon-con. Popeye’s came out with an entire pickle-based menu just a few weeks ago, which would’ve been a perfect fit. (The great Desi Jedeikin wrote about it; Kenji Lopez-Alt called it “the best stuff I’ve ever had in a fast food restaurant.” That was probably an ad, but still.)
That challenge was to be a five-course team challenge, with a member from each team going head-to-head in each round. The rounds were meant to highlight, respectively:
1st course: Cornichons.
2nd course: Full sour pickle.
3rd course: Dill pickles.
4th course: Spicy pickles.
5th course: Bread and butter pickles.
For the umpteenth time this season, all the food looked not just creative and visually dazzling, but sounded pretty scrumptious as well. To the point that there was probably no way to judge it without splitting some very fine hairs. That could’ve turned out very boring, but instead Chef Massimo nearly set the kitchen on fire and Chef Shuai accidentally just chucked all of Chef Henry’s mise en place (aka, like half of his dish and pretty much all of the pickled components) into the garbage can. It seems Shuai mistook Henry’s stuff for Katianna’s and was just trying to clear some space. Oops! No good deed goes unpunished and whatnot.
Henry said that he went to cry in the bathroom afterwards and Shuai looked like he was about to commit Seppuku on camera. I don’t think it was an act!
Meanwhile, the somewhat arbitrary nature of team challenges came into focus a bit when two guys on the losing team ended up having the two best dishes of the night. Not only that, but “one of the best things I’ve ever had” according to Tom Colicchio.
Since the eliminated competitor was to be pulled from the losing team and the challenge winner from the winning team, that meant that the winning chef only made the third-best dish of the night, and the loser was a competition between three people. Is that fucked up or just good TV? Probably both. Ever notice how fucked up rules can produce great entertainment? I think this explains the Electoral College.
Results:
QUICKFIRE TOP: Massimo. Cesar. Paula. Tristen*.
QUICKFIRE BOTTOM: Vinny. Henry. Shuai.
ELIMINATION TOP: Cesar, Tristen, Massimo*.
ELIMINATION BOTTOM: Henry, Katianna**, Shuai.
(*Winner. **Eliminated.)
Teams:
Team Tristen (Green): Tristen. Katianna. Shuai. Cesar. Henry.
Team Bailey (Purple): Bailey. Lana. Paula. Vinny. Massimo. (Winner)
R1: Massimo beats Shuai 6-2.
R2: Tristen beats Vinny, 8-0.
R3: Lana beats Katianna, 7-1.
R4: Paula beats Henry, 7-1.
R5: Cesar beats Bailey, 8-0.
Power Rankings (change from last week)
10. (-7) ((Eliminated)) Katianna Hong
AKA: Veep. Hot Lips O’Houlihong.
Elimination Challenge Dish: "Roasted dilly cucumbers, dill pickle, and clam vinaigrette."
Judges’ Critique(s): "The porridge muddied up the whole dish."
Of all this week’s dishes, Katianna’s probably sounded the weirdest. Just sort of a bunch of minor ingredients in odd combinations. Though those are also the kinds of dishes that the judges tend to reward. She made a “porridge” out of the seedy center of the cucumbers, which doesn’t make sense at all in my head (weird!) and then at the last minute tried to thicken it with tofu. The judges called the resulting porridge “broken,” which Katianna seemed to interpret as a cultural misunderstanding. Which I guess I can sort of buy. My local Korean joint does this broccoli salad stuff with crumbly tofu in it that sort of looks like feta in a way that could certainly be confused with a broken cream sauce (delicious, by the way).
Maybe that was genuinely a misunderstanding, but it was also a component she wasn’t happy with herself, or else she wouldn’t have tried to “fix” it at the last minute. It sucks to lose such a promising contestant, but the competition is pretty fierce this season and it didn’t seem to me like the wrong decision.
I can’t believe Katianna got eliminated before anyone asked about or even acknowledged her brother being an actor from Veep. Amazing.
9. (+1) Paula Endara
AKA: The Cheetah. Charmander. Como?
Elimination Challenge Dish: Grilled octopus with spicy pickle chimichurri.
One way to look at Chef Pow-la’s performance this week is that she landed in the top three of the quickfire, was on the winning team in the elimination challenge, and won her individual round seven to one. She also cooked one of the toughest ingredients (octopus) in one of the lowest-margin-for-error ways (grilled). Redemption much??
Maybe. Another way to look at it was that she only just managed to beat the guy who had half his dish thrown in the garbage and the result wasn’t even unanimous. It’s possible that she has turned it around, but I don’t know if I’m a believer just yet.
She also got a nice little backstory montage at the beginning of the episode, featuring her daughter with a congenital disorder and Paula trying to win one for the kids. “I don't want to disappoint anyone, that's my biggest fear.”
That doesn’t sound like winner talk to me! You think the greatest champions care about their families? No way. I’m pretty sure the greatest GOATs are all single-minded sociopaths. You think Michael Jordan worried about letting down his family? He was still talking about the guy who beat him out for the varsity squad his freshman year in high school during his NBA hall of fame induction speech. I’m pretty sure Michael Jordan would push his kids into traffic for another MVP trophy.
8. (-1) Henry Lu
AKA: Shaolin. Oscar. Hobbes. Bottom Queen.
Elimination Challenge Dish: Braised short rib with pickle jus, fermented pickle collards, and braised daikon pickles.
Last week commenter Schnitzel Bob pointed out that Henry looks like a Calvin & Hobbes character and holy shit, that is dead on. I think it’s the triangle-shaped mouth. Sadly, Henry continued his Bottom Queen ways (his words) in the quickfire with a lackluster Queso Fundido Quesadilla that landed him in the bottom three. That’s gonna be a Queso Fundid-no from me, dog.
His elimination challenge dish looked like it had all the makings of a winner to get him back on trash, I mean track, until Shuai shitcanned it all. But again, two ways to look at this. Either Henry got royally hosed on his potential comeback dish, or Henry got saved from inevitable elimination when Shuai gave him a convenient excuse and sob story to keep him off the bottom. In the end I’m giving Henry the benefit of the doubt, based on him managing to still get a vote during his round, even with half his food in the trash. Also those braised shortribs looked really good. Braised meat in a sauce? Now you speak-a my language.
Though it should be noted, when Gail Simmons was saying “"I actually really liked what you did, Henry, I just wasn't getting pickles,” Tom Colicchio was making this face:
God damn, that is a masterpiece of a Tom Colicchio reaction shot.
If you actually understand how unscripted television is made, there’s very little chance Colicchio was actually making that face, at that time, to the situation the editors presented it as (unless they had like 12 different cameras shooting during that scene, which I doubt). That being said, I choose to suspend disbelief because the face was perfect.
7. (+1) Bailey Sullivan
AKA: Lisa Frank. Tchochkies. Il Mano Italiano. Manic Pixie Dream Chef.
Elimination Challenge Dish: B&B ricotta filled pasta pillows with braised red wine beef ragu.
Raise your hand if you knew that Bailey was going to lose her round the second she tried to justify serving pasta as a final course. If someone else makes a dessert and you don’t, their dessert is going to have to suck absolute shit in order for you to win. You just have to pray for a loose ice cream or a non-setting panna cotta or some kind of liquid nitrogen oopsy at that point. One of the defining truisms of Top Chef is that chefs all hate cooking desserts, but the judges all love desserts.
While you’re rarely going to beat a dessert with a savory dish, you’re sure as shit not doing it with a stuffed pasta — a dish that the judges absolutely always nitpick to death. That being said, I can’t lie, Bailey’s looked pretty good:
Braising beef in red wine all day and putting it over some pasta isn’t the most mind-blowingly creative thing, but it’s rarely not good. I’d eat that for dessert, who am I kidding. Also Bailey seemed less grating this episode. I feel like I’m on a likability seesaw with her.
6. (+3) Massimo Piedimonte
AKA: Sylvio Celine-Dionnte. Gouido. Le Situación. French Horn.
Notable Quote: "This is the first time that I was ever chose last for something. …They probably didn't see me."
Elimination Challenge Dish: Fried pickled cannolo with classic french steak tartare.
Hey, check out the solid week on Massimo! A top three finish in the quickfire followed by a win in the elimination challenge (albeit a heavily asterisked one)! It took him six episodes to finish on the top side of a challenge, but now he has two in a row.
I was actually happy to see this, because this guy has been growing on me with every episode. The Italian-French-Canadian guido archetype is one that I’ve not experienced, and while his whole shtick is being kind of loud and obnoxious, he also has weirdly great grasp of self-deprecating humor that makes him endearing, as evidenced by the wry “they probably didn’t see me” joke.
You don’t see bellicose and wry as a combination very often. Again I have to think a lot of that comes from being Canadian. Most of our American buffoonish archetypes are incapable of being funny on purpose. We Americans don’t do subtext, sarcasm, or nuance very well.
Anyway, not all of Massimo’s humor is deliberate — like when he couldn’t disguise his disappointment at not winning the quickfire (for his legitimately solid-looking chicken thigh tostada) and then had to pretend he was happy for Tristen:
I haven’t seen a guy look that sad while pretending to be happy for a colleague since the Oscars.
After that, he almost started a fire and everyone dunked on him for the “rookie” move. I wish we had gotten a little more clarity on what happened there. I believe Massimo said afterwards “I put the potatoes into the hot oil without straining them.”
Without straining them? Which means… what, exactly, like he was soaking/rinsing them with water (which you do with potatoes to wash the starch off so they fry up crispier) and just dumped a bunch of water into the oil? That can’t be right, can it? Because that would indeed be pretty dumb. And I’m saying that as a guy who rarely goes a week without some sort of bonehead kitchen injury. I once reflexively grabbed for my chef’s knife to stop it from falling off my cutting board. Then I shook my cut hand around in pain and sprayed blood EVERYWHERE. I had blood splatter on the damned ceiling. Haha, cool story, Vince!
Anyway, Massimo got chosen last for the elimination challenge teams but then showed everyone by winning. Well, everyone except for Tristen and Cesar, who had the acknowledged best dishes but were on the losing team. Even when he wins he doesn’t win! No respect, I tell ya, Massimo is the Rodney Dangerfield of this competition.
Shame, because he did win a head-to-head tartare battle against Shuai, whose tartare (I thought) looked pretty good. But kudos to Massimo for his lil dick-shaped cannoli tartares.
Mmm, creamy tube full of raw meat, your mom’s favorite.
5. (-3) Shuai Wang
AKA: The Big Chill. Shugaze. Mumbles.
Elimination Challenge Dish: Fried pickled mushroom, steak tartare, and dijonnaise.
Notable Quote: "I just want to crawl into a hole and never come back out."
Poor Shuai. What a terrible, no good, very bad week. He started off on the wrong foot, attempting to cook rice during a 30-minute quickfire. Any time you hear a Top Chef contestant say something like “I should have just enough time to cook some rice…” you know they’re screwed. Of course the rice didn’t cook in time and the judges immediately pointed at him and did that high-pitched shriek like in Invasion of the Body Snatchers that they do every time they taste an undercooked starch. Probably Shuai’s fault for acting all cocky about his ability to cook rice last episode. Never do that, the rice can smell hubris.
After that, he made the pretty awesome-looking tartare on top of a pickled tempura mushroom you see above. He was selling it by saying that it was kind of meant to be upscale trashy, like putting caviar on a potato chip. I was actually buying it, and I think the judges were too, but I guess he didn’t cube up the meat small enough. You idiot! You fool! Don’t you know I get farty and bloated from embiggened tartare cubes?? Kill yourself!
But I shouldn’t make kill yourself jokes about Shuai, he seemed like he was legitimately crushed about putting Henry’s mise-en-place in the rubbish. Brutal. I also enjoyed the way the editors highlighted the flippant way Shuai described it too. “I’m gonna clean up all Katianna’s dumb bullshit, make it real nice for you.”
I’m worried this mistake is going to kill Shuai’s confidence. I hope it doesn’t, because his food looks consistently fantastic. He might be the most intriguing chef left in this competition since Big Cabbage got the boot. God I hope I didn’t just jinx him.