Top Chef Power Rankings, Week 5
The moisture in our balls.
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I continue to be impressed by this season of Top Chef, which is a nice feeling after being sort of down on it last season. The season one rewatch we did brought us to the realization that maybe Top Chef contestants didn’t need to be so damned accoladed. So many awards, maybe throw a sous chef or an empanada magnate in there, just for kicks! Instead, this season went the opposite direction with possibly more Michelin stars and James Beard awards than ever before. Katianna damn near has an EGOT.
I was worried that so much recognition would lead to dull TV, but every single one of these chefs is either clearly likable or objectively a great character, with quite a few being both. Non-fiction tends to favor assholes, but most of this crew seem like genuinely good hangs. Meanwhile, the food has been maybe as good as we’ve ever seen it, at least what I can tell through the TV.
While they doubled down on accolades, they’ve simultaneously been moving away from white table cloth fine-dining fancy stuff and more towards every-day dinners and ethnic food (so far, anyway). It doesn’t feel like they’ve dumbed the show down any (at least compared to the Food Network, where it seems like eight out of every ten shows are about burger), but they’ve arguably had some challenges that are easier for a viewer to engage than a Tromp L’oeil Challenge or whatever (actually that one was pretty fun too, but the point stands).
This episode, in which the heavily be-flaired Chef Bailey returned from the depths of Last Chance Kitchen/her old job at Chotchkie’s, did away with the Quickfire in favor of an episode-long double-elimination team challenge celebrating Toronto’s thriving ethnic enclaves. As New Padma Kristen Kish introduced it, “Toronto is one of the most multi-cultural cities in the world, with neighborhoods like Greektown, Little Portugal, Little Jamaica, several Chinatowns, and so many more cultures and cuisines that make up the mosaic that is Toronto.”
Hold up, multiple Chinatowns? Y’all been hoarding Chinatowns on us up there??
After drawing knives, the contestants headed off to learn about various types of cuisines, including:
Filipino (Shuwai and Henry)
Indian (Vinny and Lana)
Caribbean (Massimo and Paula)
Greek (Tristen and Bailey)
Thai (Cesar and Katianna)
Portuguese (Kat and Corwin)
Wow, all this humblebragging about multiple Chinatowns only for Chinese to get snubbed in the end? I don’t know if you guys thought this one through.
Just as a sidenote, you think we’ll ever get Toronto Mall Teen challenge? I genuinely love the city of Toronto, but these awful zoomers are the scourge of my Instagram timeline.
“Okay, Croski, your challenge is to make a dish that highlights the most bare-sauced gerberts in the city, fam.” (I’m so sorry. I’m compelled to share this cursed knowledge.)
Before they headed off, the show had to reintroduce Chef Bailey. She had a rough go of it on the show — as in, lots of challenges ending with her making this face:
…but if Top Chefs editors are to be believed, it seems her time on Last Chance Kitchen has taught her a valuable lesson about cooking her food. “Cooking Your Food” has now officially surpassed not going there to make friends as the Top Chef mantra. Just cook your food! Not anyone else’s food! Unless your food is risotto, in which case fuck off.
Favorite New Ethnic Food Word
Bagoóng.
From Wikipedia: Bagoóng is a Philippine condiment partially or completely made of either fermented fish, krill, or shrimp paste with salt.
I’ve never had it, but “bagoóng!” makes a great all-purpose exclamation. Bagoóng! I like to imagine that there’s a Filipino Emeril Lagasse yelling bagoóng! every time he kicks it up a notch.
Favorite New Toronto Ethnic Cuisine Character
William Oliveira from Mercado.
Get a load of that hair! Incredible volume on that. Plus the 80s glasses and unbuttoned shirt combo… he looks like David Koresh was reincarnated as the keyboardist in a yacht rock tribute band. This guy needed more screen time, he looked like he was seconds away from belting out some Michael McDonald tunes.
Results
Top Teams: Tristen, Bailey*. Cesar, Katianna.
Bottom Teams: Kat, Corwin**. Vinny, Lana.
(*Winner. **Eliminated)
Power Rankings (change from last week)
12. (-11) Corwin Hemming
AKA: Tan Shaolin. Eric Flan-dre.
Holy crap, from the top spot in last week’s rankings to eliminated. Has that ever happened before? Someone look this up for me, I am not a great historian of my own rankings (I am only one man!).
I wanted better for Corwin. It looked like better things were coming for Corwin. He only narrowly missed out on a two-win week last week, and that jerk fried chicken he made is easily in my personal top five “I would order that” dishes of this season.
This week, C-Money drew Portuguese, along with Chef Kat, allowing him to Portu-gaze upon the majesty of William Oliveira and his glorious yacht rock mane. He also seemed to grasp the concept of Portuguese food fairly quickly. Maybe a little too quickly? You could make a case that Chef Corwin only saw what he wanted in Portuguese cuisin. “Wait, you guys like salt cod too??? I’m Jamaican, we love salt cod!”
But it just goes to show, never fall in love with your concept before you get to the store. As it turned out, Whole Foods didn’t even have any bacalao (that’s Portuguese for salt cod. In the Portuguese Sopranos, Steven Schirripa would play Bobby Bacalao). This was the point in the show where I was screaming “Pivot! Pivot, you fools!”
But alas, Kat and Corwin couldn’t hear me, and instead of going for something else, they tried to execute their original plan — a salt cod and shrimp bomba — using fresh cod instead. You’re usually better off letting the available ingredients inspire a dish rather than trying to make ingredients fit a pre-set dish. I don’t know, there’s something there, you guys know what I mean. No salt cod for your salt cod dish? Make something else!
Instead they just tried to use fresh cod in its place, and they ended up with dense, soggy balls. When the filling is too moist, the balls get soggy. Duh! How did you not know this, did you skip the moisture section in ball class?
Judges’ Reviews: "(*frown*)" "(*extended pause*)” "Well I do like the big pickles..."
Then in Last Chance Kitchen (do NOT read on if you don’t want LCK spoilers!), Corwin got a second chance at salted cod. Being the guy who loves salted cod, it seemed like it should’ve been a lay up for him. But Tom is dead-set on becomin Alton Brown or Guy Fieri this year, and his contest rules (no knives after the first ten minutes!) came back to bite Corwin when he forgot to take the lid off his curry paste. Which meant, no curry paste for his curry dish.
At least, the editing would have us believe that that was the pivotal error. It’s also just as likely that a cooked dish like Corwin’s gives the judges more to nitpick than a raw one like Kat’s, who prepared a salad.
11. (-6) Kat Turner
AKA: Frau Farbissina. Sprockets. Karla Hungus. Parker Parsley. Mustard Custard.
Kat got screwed almost as hard as Corwin by getting eliminated this week — maybe harder, since Corwin seemed like the driving force behind the fresh cod/soggy balls disaster. She’d had two consecutive top three finishes before that And the dish she went home for wasn’t even that bad.
I can’t decide whether I’m happy about Kat beating Corwin in Last Chance Kitchen. I think I was slightly more interested in Corwin’s food than Kat’s, but Kat is undeniably a character who is good for TV. Corwin shadowboxes and gives good soundbites, but I think I still have to give the edge to the burlesque-dancing Billy Corgan chef.
Of course, one win is no guarantee that she’ll actually be back, but it seems like a distinct possibility given how many of the other chefs are stone cold locks not to make the finale (Massimo, Paula). Anyway, I hope we get her back. And neither here nor there, but they should’ve sent her off with a tearful montage set to a slowed-down dramatic cover of “Today.”
Judges’ Critique(s): "Why tell that story if you don't have salt cod?" "This is a nice little street food dish, but...."
10. (+2) Paula Endara
AKA: The Cheetah. Charmander. Como?
Cuisine: Caribbean.
Partner: Massimo.
Dish: Braised shortrib with flatbread, escabeche…
What a surprise, Chef Pow-la basically on the bottom again. And yet, somehow not eliminated. In her defense, she hasn’t really cooked anything that bad, but she never finishes in the top of challenges either. I can never quite justify keeping her out of the caboose.
This week she partnered with Chef Massimo and they almost immediately started fighting. Who knew partnering with a stressed-out Italian(-French-Canadian) who’s always yelling could be so nerve-wracking? (Side note: what is this, The Bear?)
Outside of them momentarily getting on each other’s nerves, the biggest drama the editors could gin up for this group was Massimo thinking their braise was too liquidy. Pow-la thought it was just fine. Sheesh, first almost goes home for too-saucy ceviche and now this! I’m beginning to think she like-a da juice.
The dish looked pretty good (frankly, all of the dishes looked pretty good this week) and Team Massipau finished outside of the bottom three, which honestly seemed like the best that these two could’ve hoped for. The only knock the judges could find was that their shortrib dish was a little drier than oxtail would’ve been. Felt like a reach! Anyway, I hope she shows us something. I’m dying to learn about some Equadorian food.
Judge(s) Critiques: "A little dry, but..." "Is it a good dish? Absolutely. But it's not givin that caribbean clavor that they promised."
9. (+2) Massimo Piedimonte
AKA: Sylvio Celine-Dionnte. Gouido. Le Situación. French Horn.
Notable Quote: "Sorry I was an asshole."
It almost feels redundant to make jokes about Massimo being a loud gouido when he’s working so hard to solidify that as his brand. Hey, I like personal brand. Personal brand good. Man got to have a code.
It also seems like every time Massimo’s overbearing personality bleeds into legitimate prick territory he ends up apologizing for it. I guess that’s how you can tell he’s Canadian. It’s a little hard to roast a guy who’s always roasting himself (and getting roasted by the other competitors), but Massimo is undeniably good TV.
8. (N/A) Bailey Sullivan
AKA: Lisa Frank. Tchochkies. Il Mano Italiano. Manic Pixie Dream Chef.
Cuisine: Greek.
Partner: Tristen.
Dish: Octopus.
Bailey is the closest thing I have to a nemesis this season and I honestly can’t tell if I even dislike her. All I know is that she always... starts... talking... very slooowly at the beginning of all her phrases? And… then… she… likes to really draaaaww ouuuuttt the last part of them? It’s a cadence. I pride myself on being able to render accents phonetically, but with Bailey it’s less an accent than a lilt, like she turns every sentence into a little song that she seems very pleased with.
Bailey must go far in this competition, because they gave her one of the most overwrought “eliminated chef is back, and now she’s cooking her food” montages I’ve ever seen on this show. It seemed like they got every other chef to cosign with increasingly hyperbolic soundbites. “Bailey is back and she’s looking fierce.” “She’s like a completely different person.” “Oh my god she’s transcending space and time! She’s turning into a beam of light!”
Anyway, I’m thrilled that she’s finally cooking her food. Which is… uh, Italian.
All I know is that she’ll be around for at least two more episodes, winning immunity for next episode after already having double immunity in this episode. That’s too much immunity! Save some immunity for the rest of us, am I right?
7. (+2) Henry Lu
AKA: Shaolin.
Cuisine: Filipino.
Partner: Shuai.
Dish: Arroz caldo with roasted pork kare kare.
Notable Quote: “I’ve been on the bottom the last two weeks in a row, at this point I guess I'm just a bottom queen.”
Someone on Reddit called my nicknames racist last week, which I have to imagine was mostly about this nickname. You know I called him that because he’s bald with a wispy mustache and not because I name every Asian guy a Chinese thing, right? I mean I sort of get it, but if you can think of another fictional character that Henry reminds you of, by all means. Let he who is not racist cast the first nickname, I always say.
Anyway, Henry teamed up with Shuai for Filipino food this week (the self-dubbed “Team Asian Sensation”), and I thought they seemed like a lock to end up in the top. Alas, ‘twas not to be. Instead they ended up in the middle. Bagoóng!
Judges’ Critique(s): "It's okay." "It tastes a little dry." "They have the sour part down."
6. (+2) Lana Lagomarsini
AKA: Breeze. L Train. Choach. B+.
Cuisine: Indian.
Partner: Vinny.
Dish: Chicken kama sutra with hollandaise, flatbread, and crispy chicken skin.
Notable Quote: “I am dead.”
L Train ended up partnered with Vinny Apple Soup this week and at first it seemed like a match made in heaven. Lana kept cooking up fresh flatbreads in back while Vinny kept making the same corny kama sutra joke over and over out front while Lana indulgingly rolled her eyes. Sounds like my marriage!
They actually had a bit of a Lennon/McCartney vibe. Vinny was corny in a slightly grating way and Lana refused to pander almost to the point of her own detriment. Together, they like they should’ve been more than the sum of their parts. Instead they ended up in the bottom two teams. The judges, it turned out, objected to having two rich sauces.
Lana wasn’t entirely sold on the hollandaise either, and she ended up being right, but you can’t blame her for trusting Vinny after she almost stopped him from doing his magical apple soup trick in episode one. To my mind, the most interesting part of this outcome was that it turns out you don’t need Padma there to get nitpicked to death on your Indian food.
Judges’ Critique(s): "I expected a little more heat." "I don't know why you need a rich hollandaise when you already have a rich sauce."
5. (+2) Cesar Murillo
AKA: Nerdy Eric Balfour. Eric Balfoureyes. Hispanic Patrick Fischler. Patrick Fisch Tacos. Tiny Papillote. Lil Papi.
Cuisine: Thai.
Partner: Katianna.
Dish: Pad Thai-glazed tenderloin.
Every season there’s a chef who seems to get the shit end of the screen-time stick and this season it’s Chef Cesar. Where is he? Smiling in the background, probably. Blessing in disguise, perhaps. This week, he actually eked-out a high finish. Along the way, we learned that he’s… a pretty chill partner to have. You don’t say.
The high finish was actually pretty impressive, because the idea of drawing Thai food and then choosing to make a tenderloin sounds zzzz. There goes my tenderloin theory, I guess. (In my defense, I think this was beef tenderloin?).
Judges’ Critique(s): “"It's delicious." "It is a little sweet, but Thai food is sweet I guess.”
4. (even) Vincenzo Loseto
AKA: Vinny Apple Soup. Michael Squara. Quarter Zip.
Cuisine: Indian.
Partner: Lana.
Vinny is such a dork that he’s turning my “Michael Squara” nickname into a double entendre (because his head is square, but he’s also a square, you see). This week, Vinny made the “Kama sutra… like the book” joke(?) so many times that it went from not really funny to terribly unfunny all the way back around to funny again like a Top Chef Baba Booey. Impressive stuff. Whatever you could say about Vinny’s food, A+ for commitment to the bit.
Unfortunately he was so hung up on shoehorning hollandaise into his Indian dish that he almost got his team sent home. In Vinny’s defense, when I heard “chicken thigh with hollandaise and crispy chicken skin” I thought to myself “oh hell yeah, brother” in a Hulk Hogan voice. “Too rich” is a nice problem to have, in food as in life.
In Vinny’s double defense, “chicken kama sutra,” the dish he learned at the Toronto Indian restaurant, isn’t an Indian dish that I’ve ever heard of. Are we sure that guy was even Indian? I think he might’ve just been horny.
Does Vinny even belong in the top five at this point, after so many lackluster finishes since his win in episode one? I don’t even know anymore. But his food always looks good, so I’m going with my gut.