Top Chef Power Rankings, Week 2

Chowin' Mooshy. How you say... 'Brown Nose?' Take me to the Sugar Shack.

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Poutine on the Ritz, OR: Take Me to the Sugar Shack

David Moir/Bravo

The first episode of this season had me a little worried. They left out the judges table dressing down scene — the risotto-reaming, the custard calumny — that we’ve all come to know and love, and I wondered (at length) whether the show had lost its way.

Good news: This episode had me feeling more confident than ever that this is going to be a strong Top Chef season. I know it’s maybe an obvious point to make about food TV, but damn. This episode made me HONGRY. A lot of the food on Top Chef is probably incredible to eat, but can be hard to wrap your head around as a viewer with no frame of reference (A rabbit consomme served in a gentleman’s hat? Gee, how about that).

By contrast, this episode gave us a poutine quickfire and a brunch food elimination challenge, both of which were easy for me to imagine. Maybe too easy. All of it looked good as hell.

This crop of competitors also seems like a distinct improvement over last season’s. There are a lot of cool ones who seem like they’d be good hangs, but even cool ones are quirky enough to make for memorable TV. And sure, maybe a couple of memorably obnoxious ones too. Anyway, signs are positive.

So, the challenges. Kristen Kish delivered the first mandate, to “put your own spin on a Canadian classic.”

By which she meant, of course, poutine. That famous concoction of french fries, cheese curds, and gravy, treated in this case to a loving slo-mo scene by the Top Chef producers. Beautiful work on that, truly. Even more fun when you imagine the production assistant just off camera whose job it was to drizzle gravy. Do it again! More lasciviously this time! I want to see it glip, glop, and goop!

The only thing I love more than smothered potatoes are gravy-based foods, so a poutine challenge kinda checks all of the boxes for me. To guest judge the challenge, Kish brought out… (*drumroll*) …Sarah Levy from Schitt’s Creek!

Yes, Levy, as in the daughter of Eugene and sister of Dan, also from Schitt’s Creek. I actually hadn’t known the waitress on Schitt’s Creek was a Levy until this very moment. One of the most obnoxious things about Canada is that even their nepo babies seem chill and well-adjusted. What is the American equivalent of the Levys, anyway? That awful Costco family? They should be in prison. (Don’t you dare defend them, we have one ironclad rule around here, and it’s absolutely no child influencers).

It had to have been a hard challenge to judge, both because the prospect of eating 14 poutines seems calorically daunting, and because all of those poutines looked pretty excellent. In my book they were all winners, but probably my two favorites based on looks alone were Shuai’s soy sauce fondant potatoes and Big Cabbage’s poutine stroganoff. Damn those looked good, I’m stroggin’ myself off over here! (If you thought I was above a stroggin’ off joke you haven’t been reading these long).

Just as a sidenote here, I don’t usually suggest dishes for these challenges, since they’re normally so far above my pay grade, but since reinventing poutine is very much up my alley, I will pitch my idea: chile verde (probably thickened slightly more than usual to gravy consistency), over thick-ish french fries, sprinkled with crumbled cotija cheese (which seems sort of curd-like, and anything melty seems redundant in a gravy) and topped with fermented red chili peppers (red jalapeños, Fresnos, or Thai). They’re like pickled chilis with a little extra tang, perfect for cutting through a gravy. Of course, that would take me probably three hours to make so it would be out of the question in a 30 minutes challenge, but I mention it nonetheless.

After that it was time to bring out Daniel Boulud, who remains a charming little French man even if I think they went a little heavy on his hair dye. Gotta have a little grey in there, man, you’re not a game show host! …Wait, *is* Top Chef sort of a “game show?” Fuck!

In the interest of getting all the most obvious Canada stuff out of the way at once, Boulud was there to judge a maple-based challenge. But not just a maple challenge. This challenge would celebrate the supposedly well-known Canadian tradition of the “sugar shack,” which sounds like someplace 50 Cent would take your mom but is actually the place where they refine maple sap into syrup. And these days, so the show explained, it’s become a place for brunch. Ergo, a brunch challenge. Two teams of seven, each making their own brunch menu, with one dish per chef and maple in every dish. Syrup in every pot! It’s the Canadian dream!

Oh, but there was a TWIST. And a SPONSOR. Namely… THE WELLS FARGO ACTIVE CASH CREDIT CARD. BECAUSE WHEN YOU USE THE WELLS FARGO ACTIVE CASH CREDIT CARD, YOU’RE A TWO PERCENTER.

Sorry, I felt like I had to resort to all-caps there to properly convey the aggressiveness of the product placement. The rub was that each team would have $50 with which to ratfuck the other by giving them terrible ingredients they’d have to incorporate into their menu. Both teams, rather cleverly, chose mostly pre-prepared ingredients and candy. I’ve seen enough Chopped episodes with leftover Indian takeout as one of the basket ingredients to know that repurposing leftovers isn’t that fun to watch, but it felt like a fun enough twist that didn’t end up hijacking the entire challenge in this case. Again, I get the feeling this is going to be a good season.

If there was a common thread in this episode, it was the winning chefs going to their wheelhouse. Shuai took the quickfire, in the process admitting that he’d been practicing poutines for months (smart! probably obvious, but smart!). Zubaz took the elimination challenge, essentially cooking the signature dish from his restaurant. And why wouldn’t you? Again, smart. We love to pretend that being a chef is all about resourcefulness and improvisation and experimenting, and to some extent it is, but there’s also no substitute for doing your homework. The tie usually goes to the person who did the most R&D.

RESULTS:

Quickfire Top: Massimo. Kat. Shuai*.
Quickfire Bottom: Henry. Bailey. Paula.

Elimination Top: Brown Team (Paula, Lana, Shuai, Zubaz*, Tristen, Corwin, Cesar).
Elimination Bottom: Green Team (Bailey**, Henry, Kat, Katianna, Massimo, Vincenzo, Anya).

(*winner, **eliminated).

POWER RANKINGS (change from last week)

14. (even) ((eliminated)) Bailey Sullivan

AKA: Lisa Frank. Lula Roe. The Rice Queen of Chicago. Il Mano Italiano. Manic Pixie Dream Chef.

This was Bailey while she was planning her Quickfire dish:

…And this was here at Judges Table for her Quickfire Dish:

That was kind of Lisa Frank’s episode in a nutshell, during which she went from passionate and enthusiastic to sad and physically deflated. She looked like a balloon gradually losing air.

This was one of those episodes where I started out kind of rooting against her (the aggressive vocal fry, the quirkified slanguage) but by the end I started to feel bad for her and hoped she’d pull it out. She tried to make a maple-based tart (also how I would talk dirty to Gail Simmons) but bizarrely chose to put pineapples in it (I can’t decide if that’s anti-Canadian or exactly Canadian, considering the Canadian bacon on the pineapple pizza). She battled a batter emulsion in the process, ran out of time, and in the end was undone by that most classic of Top Chef curses: a custard element that didn’t set. In fact hers narrowly lost out to a different unset custard.

Technically it was more the honey she included to ensure that the custard set (and the undercooked dough) than the custard itself, but either way it was probably a bad call to follow up an episode in which she finished poorly because she attempted a risotto by attempting a custard. What are you, some kind of cus-’tard??? (we’re allowed to say that now, Trump is president).

I was impressed that at one point she described “cooking with an Italian hand,” which I had assumed was just press release speak from her bio. But no, she worked that into actual conversation like a pro. Ayyy, I got yer Italian hands right here!

Notable Quote: “I made a Korean street food inspired shrimp arrabiata..." (the fuck you just say to me?)

Judges Critiques: “The maple just tastes sweet.” "The tart was underbaked." "All I taste is flour."

13. (even) Paula Endara

AKA: The Cheetah. Charmander. Como?

Does anyone else have a hard time understanding Chef Pow-la? It’s strange because she pronounces all of the words correctly, she just has an odd way of running words together and stressing certain syllables in ways I’ve never heard before. Very Austin Powers.

Anyway, the very top and bottom of this list were easy to rank, whereas everything in the middle still feels like a toss-up. The Cheetah at least seems to have made progress, getting high marks for a candy-corn-infused French toast that seemed like an incredibly high degree of difficulty after landing on the bottom for her overly-wet poutine (also a great description of your mom’s— *gets yanked off stage by a giant hook*).

Judges Critiques: "The seco was just too wet for the french fry." "It's very, very sweet, but it's a satisfying dish."

12. (-8) Henry Lu

AKA: Shaolin.

Shaolin took a precipitous fall in this week’s rankings after an objectively bad episode, but in my heart of hearts I still feel like last week’s ranking of him is more correct. He attempted scallion pancakes as his starch for the poutine. It turned out to be the wrong call, but not a bad idea. Then in the elimination challenge he got dinged for his overfried chicken. It seemed like he knew the oil was too hot and too full of Zubaz’s masala spices, but they also record those interviews after the fact so that may have just been hindsight. Either way it seemed like those were both well-conceived dishes that were undone by unforeseen challenges. Sometimes it do be like that. That said, time to start foreseein, bro! That’s yer job!

Notable Quotes: “It smalls like farts.”

Judges Critiques: "The pancake felt spongy." "I wish the chicken I got was a little more moist." "Outside was dry and a little crumbly."

11. (even) Massimo Piedimonte

AKA: Sylvio Celine-Dionnte. G-oui-do. Le Situación. French Horn (bc he’s loud, see).

I don’t speak a lick of French, and Massimo’s pronunciation sounds bizarre even to me. Is that a French-Canadien thing or an Italian-French-Canadien thing? Did he just say “gruyarrrre?” What is this, une fromage for pirates??

God bless Massimo though, he seems to embody why this season is shaping up to be so much more entertaining than the last. He’s a total character and the camera loves him, and he seems like he’d probably be sort of obnoxious to be around, but on TV he’s a barrel of laughs.

This week’s episode opened with Massimo leading a yoga class. It’s probably obvious to say, but I did not envision him as a yogini. Ay, not fa nuthing, but dese downwud dawgs really cleah my friggin head, knowwhatahmsane? AY, I'M VINYASIN' HEAH!

*whispers* Ay. Don't disrespect da yoga studio.

Anyway, entertainment-wise, Massimo is the MVP. Food-wise, he’s much harder to place. He spent much of this week reminding everyone, “Ayy, I’m makin’ steak ovah heah! Yo, butchah! Gimme turdy tree pounds a friggin ribeye, I gotta make some STEAK, ya heah me? Daniel Boulud wants a souffle? Va vongool, ah’m givin’ im… steak an’ eggs! No disrespect.

Massimo made some kind of fondant potato roulade flower thingy with mornay sauce in the middle for the poutine challenge, which looked more fussy than delicious. So far the judges mostly seem content to pat him on his greasy little head for a job well done without raving too much about the actual dishes. He’s doing well enough, but hard to know exactly where he stands at this point.

Notable Quotes: “Open your pelvic floor…”

Judges Critiques: "I think the dish is lacking maple."

10. (-1) Corwin Hemming

AKA: Tan Shaolin. Eric… Flan-dre?

Thinks are looking dire for the tan Shaolin, and not just because he almost went home for chawanmushi. He did give Tom Colicchio the line of this week’s episode: “Seems like more mushi than chawan.”

Give Tom a raise for that one, oh yeah.

It was also looking bad for Corwin in the quickfire challenge. During the introduction to the poutine challenge, he got all the expository setup shots. “I’ve never had poutine, I’ve never heard of poutine, I don’t know what the hell is in that sauce stuff, I couldn’t even spell poutine.”

I exaggerated everything there except for the sauce line, but generally when Top Chef takes great pains to show a chef being unfamiliar with the food in the challenge, that chef goes onto win said challenge. It’s a little dramatic reversal thing they like to do to maintain surprise. Not so this time! Still, at least he didn’t end up in the bottom.

Later in the elimination challenge, well, certainly Corwin brought it on himself trying to do a custard (not again! you fool!), even after Tristen sorta-maybe tried to talk him out of it, but I don’t know that I’ve ever seen someone get ratfucked so hard by the service staff. Chef Corwin made something like 20 bowls of chawanmushi (topped with maple-tamarind pork, which actually looked really good), and most of them looked set. Except there was ONE SINGLE BOWL of unset custard, that went out with the plastic wrap still on the rim of the plate. Out of the entire dining room, guess who that bowl went to. That’s right, Daniel freakin’ Boulud. Corwin’s eyes as he realized what was happening followed by the facepalm shot was perfection. If the producers didn’t engineer that entire situation from the start I will personally chow on my own mushi.

Corwin’s loose custard (loooooothe cuuuuuthtard) seemed like a lock to tank his entire team, but it seems like those same producers knew that would be too cruel. And so he was instead saved by his team winning the challenge. And rather than going home he collected $35,000. Not bad. God, I could really use $35,000 right now. So badly. Anyway, this was the kind of brilliant Top Chef drama that keeps me watching this silly show.

Judges Critiques: “A little more mooshy than chowin.” -Tom. "So much clove, my mouth went numb."

9. (+1) Lana Lagomarsini

AKA: Breeze. L Train. Choach (this was the name of a stoner girl who was in my dorm in college who Lana reminds me of). B+.

Every time I hear L Train talk juxtaposed with Bailey, I think “Inside of you are two wolves with vocal fry.”

Lana’s seems more like a natural husky voice than an affectation. If you can think of a great nickname for a husky-voiced chef, please jump in here. I considered “Vera DeMilo,” but it seemed unfair to name her after Jim Carrey in a bikini. Chat GPT came up with “Smokehouse” which is… eh.

Anyway, L Train keeps skating through with solid B pluses so she could really go anywhere between three and 11 in these rankings. The gumbo gravy seemed like a smart idea, but she probably overthought it with the sweet potato fries. Not crunchy enough for a poutine, I saw. I want it to get soggy from the gravy, not come out of the fryer soggy.

Judges Critiques: "Lana did a great job with her salmon."

8. (even) Tristen Epps

AKA: Big Baby. Hot Dog. Steph No-Curry.

Big Baby got to look like the voice of reason when he second-guessed Corwin’s chawanmushi. But it looked like most of that second-guessing came in his interview, which they probably shot after the challenge was already judged so it might’ve just been Monday Morning Quarterbacking.

Big Baby made yucca fries with kielbasa and aji amarillo for his poutine, which sounds strange and ethnically confused, but not in a way that I wouldn’t still eat the hell out of. Then he made steak and eggs with rice grits, which was well-received and seemed to win the steak-and-eggs face off with Massimo. Positive signs for Big Baby.

Judges’ Critiques: "The meat is beautifully seasoned and beautifully cooked."

7. (-4) Cesar Murillo

AKA: Nerdy Eric Balfour. Eric Balfoureyes. Hispanic Patrick Fischler. Patrick Fisch.. Tacos. Tiny Papillote. Lil Papi.

Last week commenter Stephanie pointed out that Cesar kind of looks like Tony Hale, which I think is true even though he also looks like Eric Balfour and Patrick Fischler. Maybe he should be a character actor?

Anyway, Lil Papi made a fingerling with corn, cotija, and some roasted poblano for the poutine (probably would’ve lost the corn). That was received reasonably well, but then he made a lobster biscuit for the elimination round that ended up getting him dinged by the judges for improper biscuitry. Bummer, man. I guess I still have him this high because his poutine is probably closest to what I would’ve made. Call it a hunch.

Notable Quotes: “And he looks so fly!” (I think this was about Daniel Boulud?)

Judges’ Critiques: "The lobster is beautifully cooked, the biscuit is not great."

6. (+6) Kat Turner

AKA: Frau Farbissina. Sprockets. Karla Hungus.

I thought for sure Karla Hungus’ past as a burlesque dancer (as noted in her official bio) was going to come up this week, but nope. Nary a peep. Maybe they’re saving that for sweeps week.

Otherwise, huge week for Kat. She kept second-guessing whether her poutine was “too traditional” and then ended up in the top three (I guess they went with that for the dramatic reversal and Corwin’s was just a red herring). By the way, her “traditional” poutine ended up being what looked like cottage fries with mushroom gravy and smoked soy, so I don’t know what the hell she was talking about with “traditional.”

Then she made a chili crisp congee in the elimination round and the judges seemed to love that too. Classic woo woo chick stuff, where a little yoga in the morning makes all the difference.

Judges’ Critiques: "It's something I never would've ordered on a menu, but it is delicious."

5. (+1) Katianna Hong

AKA: Backstory. Veep.

I feel like Katianna keeps underperforming, relative to her pedigree, but I’m still giving her the benefit of the doubt. Seems like a toss-up between “due for a win” and “on her way down” right now, but I’m going with the former. I can’t lie, I thought she was headed for victory when she pulled out the maple leaf daikon molds. That was the most Buddha Lo thing we’ve seen since Buddha Lo. Alas it was just sort of above average, like virtually everything else Katianna has made so far.

For the poutine challenge she made a tostone in some kind of burrata queso dip-type sauce, which seemed equal parts clever and weird. Probably not going to order that, but I respect the thought process? Anyway, we’re gonna need more Veep lore.

Judges’ Critiques: "Compared to everything else that we're getting, it's very subtle."

4. (+1) Anya Al-Wattar

AKA: Big Cabbage.

I am 100% in the tank for Big Cabbage. She is absolutely the dark horse of this competition. I would rank her higher if she had any wins that could justify it. Her food looks so weird and good. That stroganoff poutine was mostly just straight down the plate, but then she gave us syrniki, which I’m led to believe are like cheesecake donuts accompanied by… pinecone jam? Pinecone jam! That is the exact sweet spot of Top Chef food that sounds utterly absurd but that I also want to eat. What other strange culinary delicacies have been hiding behind the iron curtain?

I probably could’ve done without Massimo telling her to “open your pelvic floor,” but Big Cabbage is going straight to the mountain top, I can feel it.

3. (+4) Zubair Mohajir

AKA: Woolly Willy. Zubaz. Stonks.

I told you never to sleep on the Indian chefs, and Zubaz came through in a big way this week. Even before winning the elimination challenge, his chaat poutine looked like one of the favorites. It’s hard to even consider any non-potato option with the poutines, so it’s saying something that it was even in the conversation.

Then for the brunch challenge he delivered on a tikka-masala-spiced fried chicken with a corn cake. Sure, he made it sound like the signature dish at his restaurant and basically like something that he’d cooked a thousand times before, but that’s called playing smart. Not only did it look incredible, one of the knock-on effects was turning the deep fryer into a giant bubbling fart cauldron to eliminate his closest chicken competition. That’s… uh… double playing smart. This guy is double plus smart!

Hard not to appreciate a guy whose origin story includes getting fired from a corporate gig. Would that it ‘twere so simple. Imagine the utopia we could live in if none of our smart people worked for giant evil corporations. When I need someone to handle my stonks, I want him stupid. I go up to Morgan Stanley and say “Gimme the dumbest fucker you got.”

Sorry, that riff got away from me a little. I’m on a deadline, these aren’t all going to be winners.

Judges’ Critiques: “The chicken is delicious.”

2. (-1) Vincenzo Loseto

AKA: Vinny Apple Soup

I love Vinny Apple Soup. He’s got a sideways face and a head you could rest a drink on. I hesitate to even rank him number two, he just has that Buddha/Melissa King/Paul Qui/Stefan aura of invincibility about him. Everything he makes seems to be a hit, and his dishes are almost an even split between galaxy brain-inspired and not overthinking things.

Case in point: this week he went from potatoes in tomato gravy with parmesan mousse to a souffle. The tomato gravy seemed inspired, and then Daniel Boulud said he wanted a souffle so Vinny Apple Soup… just made him a souffle. Sometimes you don’t have to try to be tricky!

In fairness, the souffle did have truffle oil in it — the sabotage gift from the opposing team. It seemed smart to stick them with an ingredient that Top Chef judges universally seem to despise, but my controversial opinion here is that truffle oil actually isn’t that bad. If you put it on something buttery (like popcorn) or cheesy (like Vinny’s souffle) it’s kinda good. Plus he probably wasn’t going to get dinged too hard for the decision to include truffle oil when he had to. Waaah, truffle oil doesn’t taste like real truffles! What are you, a Tuscan pig? Fuck outta here.

1. (+1) Shuai Wang

AKA: The Big Chill. Shugaze. Mumbles.

It’s cool that Shuai’s name isn’t “Shoo-Ay,” but Schwhy. It’s like having a sound effect for a name. Or an onomatopeia. Whenever they say it I think of the sword sounds from “Simply Irresistible.”

Anyway, I knew from the second I saw them that Shuai’s soy sauce fondant potatoes were going to win the poutine challenge. Those looked incredible. And then he was a man after my own heart, choosing to do egg in a hole in the brunch challenge. Every nine months or so I rediscover egg in a hole. It really is the most idiotically brilliant quick breakfast you can have. A piece of toast with an egg in the center? That’s everything you need and nothing you don’t! It’s perfect!

Shuai’s version was so good that he managed to incorporate leftover pizza into it without missing a beat. Did he put pizza *inside* the toast?? How do you even do that?? Sorcery!

My only criticism is that he kept calling it “Toad in the Hole.” Even the judges and the diners were calling it Toad in the Hole and no one corrected anyone about. You fools! That is EGG in the hole, not TOAD! Where did you get toad from? Get your holes straight!

Farbeit from me to want to credit the British for any of their infantilizingly named beige foods, but everyone knows “Toad in the Hole” is sausage baked inside an eggy Yorkshire pudding, not eggs grilled inside toast.

And in fairness, Yorkshire puddings are actually probably my favorite British food. Considering it has a starch component and a gravy, it might’ve made for a great riff in the poutine challenge. But, alas, Toad in the Hole is not Egg in the Hole. I think we can all agree on that. It is an insult to both of them to conflate the two.

And hey, as long as we’re on the subject, where did Shuai’s hole part go? It was my understanding that you cut out the little circle from the toast, then put the egg in the hole, toast everything, and then use your little toasted circle of bread to dunk in the runny yolk. Again, it’s perfect! We use every part of the toast, like the Native Americans. Get back in the kitchen, Shuai! Someone is hoarding toasted holes back there!

Judges’ Critiques: "The togorashi with the pizza inside the toast is nice."

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