Top Chef Power Rankings, Week 8: Grandma Had A Blender
Restaurant Wars. A death in the family. An Italian guy being loud. This Top Chef really had everything.
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This week’s Top Chef gave us the challenge we’ve all been waiting for. The one we’ve gotten every season since 2006. That’s right, RESTAURANT WARS!
After nearly 20 years of continuous restaurant war (think of the refugees!), Top Chef surely had some new twists in store this year. …Right? Okay, there basically were none, but sometimes consistency is reassuring (…in bed!).
That being said, Tristen’s dad did die during the competition, but I don’t think Top Chef’s producers can really be blamed for that one. Seriously though, in a season that has mostly been a breezy hangout with a group of pleasant chefs who all seem very talented and don’t fight too much (not a complaint, that’s actually been great), a real-life tragedy gave this episode some added emotional heft. I think I might’ve been crying by the end? To a cooking competition show? Wait, that can’t be right, is this really happening? I had to give myself a mirror pep talk right before this post. GET IT TOGETHER, MANCINI! IT’S TIME TO MAKE SOME CUM JOKES ABOUT AIOLI!
Anyway, Restaurant Wars. Robby Kalland on Twitter the other day pointed out that this season hasn’t had any of the cash register drama we normally get on Top Chef. That’s true, but I don’t think I noticed until this episode. Not one money fight during Restaurant Wars? Is it even a restaurant if you’re not fighting about money? Does this group just happen to be exceptionally good budgeters, or is it just that this season is set in Canada and worrying about your grocery budget evaporates the second you cross a border? Discuss.
It all played out the way Restaurant Wars normally does. The contestants drew knives to pick teams — denying us some of that playground “which schmuck gets chosen last” drama, though they already did that a couple episodes ago.
The teams broke down like so:
Team 1: Bailey, Paula, Cesar, Shuai.
Team 2: Massimo, Vinny, Tristen, Lana.
They brought out Nina Compton and Janet Zuccarini to judge, and staged the whole thing in a warehouse. I don’t know Janet Zuccarini, but I really enjoyed the sound of Kish, Simmons, Zuccarini, Compton, and Colicchio on the reservation. Great mouthfeel on that. Good name for a law firm, long as you don’t mind the possibility of your lawyer being Italian (hard pass from me!).
This season we sort of breezed through the part where the teams choose silverware and napkins and place settings, which was nice, because honestly who gives a shit about a plate you aren’t eating off of? If I cared about decór I’d watch one of the many dull couples on HGTV. I’m pretty sure these two are AI.
Team 1 started from the idea of “family-style dining” (stat boy Zach, what is the success rate of family style on Restaurant Wars?). As a big eater I kind of hate family-style dining (and Kristen Kish backs me up on this). More like guilty dining, am I right? Gimme my own plate.
It does make sense from the chef’s point of view, but anyway family-style quickly evolved into a “grandma chic” concept, which in turn soon became “Nonna Pipón.” While it sounds like an Italian porno, this was actually named for an Italian grandma and Paula’s grandma, who she called Pipón. Actually, Paula first said Pipón was her grandmother, and then a second later explained that the term came from her grandfather’s potbelly. So wait, you named your grandmother after your grandfather’s potbelly? I know Spanish nicknames are next-level harsh, but that one seems beyond the pale. Of course it’s also quite possible that I just misheard her, since I only ever understand about half of what Paula is saying.
“Grandma chic” was actually kind of a cool concept, but “Nonna Pipón” telegraphed Italian-Latin American fusion, and hey, isn’t that two concepts? I don’t think the double-concept was necessarily their fatal flaw, but it didn’t help. When Pow-la volunteered to be executive chef I wondered whether she was trying to get sent home. Anyone who knows anything about Top Chef knows that the EC or Front of House manager from the losing team always gets sent home on Restaurant Wars, and so when perennial bottom-three competitor Paula volunteered for the job it was like she was belly flopping onto her own sword. Guess how that played out!
Meanwhile, over on Team 2, Massimo briefly pushed for a concept based on “the stages of Canada.” Everyone was like “…yeah, that’s… interesting. Let’s put a pin in that and come back to it.”
The stages of Canada: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression…
In the end Team 2 chose Tristen for Executive Chef (since he had immunity anyway), and let him choose the concept: “plant forward.” It was obvious right away that plant-forward was a veteran concept choice. What’s the number one thing that gets you kicked off of Top Chef? Badly-cooked meat. Put all that meat in a sauce or a broth and Tom Colicchio barely knows what to bitch about. It was so brilliant that Massimo immediately tried to argue against it and was rightly ignored.
Team 2 became “Phlora & Phauna,” which was a lot less clever than the concept itself. It kinda sounds like someone just whiffed on a Pho pun. (If any aspiring pho restaurant owners, please use my idea for Pho Cure Mother).
Even without too much in-fighting between the contestants, there were just enough critical contrasts between the teams to keep things interesting. This contrast was perhaps best typified by their choice of Front of the House manager: Shy guy Shuai for Nonna Pipón, and overbearing Massimo for Phlora and Phauna.
Massimo seemed like the clearly better choice at first, schmoozing exactly how you’d expect from a guy with hair like that and handing out welcome booze (always a smart choice). But soon he was making himself at home on guest’s tables like AC Slater and overstaying his welcome. Which had the judges asking, “Hey, can you maybe phuck off?”
Overfriendly service is one of my pet peeves so I liked that he got dinged for it. Before this I’d always assumed that was an American thing. Ever since I moved to the suburbs I’ve had to get used to cashiers asking me “how’s your day going so far” or “what do you have going on this weekend” or calling me “bro” unprompted. Can you just chill out, please? This isn’t Inside the Actor’s Studio, I’m just trying to buy a light bulb here. I had to stop going to one coffee shop because the white barista referred to me as “my man” more than once. Please, for the love of God, do not call me “my man.” Not unless we’re already friends or you’re Jason Momoa.
Anyway, every time Massimo invaded someone’s personal space I was reminded of my favorite trivia fact: that in the French version of Looney Tunes, Pepe Le Pew is Italian. I know I’ve already brought this up, but Massimo really is like if you made that fact a person.
Results:
WINNER:
Team Phlora & Phauna: Massimo, Vinny, Tristen*, Lana.
LOSER:
Team Nonna Pipón: Bailey, Paula**, Cesar, Shuai.
(*Winner. **Eliminated).
Power Rankings
8. (even) ((Eliminated)) Paula Endara
AKA: The Cheetah. Charmander. Como? Ojo Del Tigre. F+.
Rankings History (from most recent to oldest): 8 8 9 10 12 13 13.
Position: Executive Chef, Nonna Pipón.
Dish(es): Torta Di Noci with Tres Leches.
Judges’ Critique(s): "The tres leches is not what I was expecting." "This almost like a very dense nutty pound cake." "It's like what's left in the bottom of the cereal bowl."
I assumed Pow-la was cooked when she signed up to be the executive chef. I knew she was cooked when Tom compared her desert to soggy cereal. I briefly wavered in my conviction that she was cooked when everyone on her team swore up and down that Paula was the MVP of Nonna Pipón. (Are those the three stages of Canada?) “We wouldn’t even have opened if it wasn’t for Paula!” cried César.
Thank God Tom Colicchio brought some sanity to the judges table, when he pointed out that Paula had had a hand in basically every flaw Nonna Pipón got dinged for: the underseasoned frutti di mare (finished by Paula), the big almond chunks in Bailey’s romesco (blended by Paula), and her own dense soggy cereal dessert surprise. Of course she was going home, are you stupid??
And actually, now that I think about it, I know I said before that the double concept wasn’t Nonna Pipón’s fatal flaw, but I think it actually was. Without the fusion concept, Paula probably would’ve just made tres leches (my personal favorite cake, alongside tiramisu and upside-down) instead of trying to unwisely combine it with a Torta di Noci. As we learned this time last year, you can’t combine tres leches with another concept! That’s too many leches!
Paula seems like a pretty good chef, but in a season where the competition is this stiff, not having encyclopedic knowledge of Top Chef itself and all its unspoken rules, like “never volunteer to be executive chef” and “never exceed the maximum allowable leches,” makes all the difference.
7. (even) Bailey Sullivan
AKA: Lisa Frank. Tchochkies. Il Mano Italiano. Manic Pixie Dream Chef.
Ranking History: 7 7 7 8.
Position: Line cook, Nonna Pipón.
Dish(es): Chipotle Chorizo Arancini with Tonnato Aioli, Cannelloni with toasted pepitas and almond romesco.
Judges’ Critique(s): "It's good. I would prefer the sauce smoother." “I got a whole almond in mine.”
Bailey’s over-chunked Romesco spawned the strangest critique of the episode, maybe in Top Chef history. From Kristen Kish: "I like wet nuts for my ice cream, but warm wet nuts together..."
Even Gail was baffled by that one:
Cream… wet nuts… warm wet nuts… I’m sure there’s a sex pun there, but it’s too heavy a lift even for me. (Much like your mom).
Anyway, Bailey. Should she go higher? The judges did seem to like her food. Chorizo does seem like a good addition to arancini, which can be kind of boring. But in the end, arancini and baked pasta seemed more like smart, safe choices than inspired, transcendent ones.
6. (even) Massimo Piedimonte
AKA: Sylvio Celine-Dionnte. Gouido. Pietro Le Pew. Le Situación. French Horn.
Ranking History: 6 6 6 9 11 12 11.
Position: Front of House, Phlora & Phauna.
Judges’ Critique(s): "The kneeling down and resting on the table? I'd like it to be a little more buttoned up and professional." "I feel like we've been overtouched, in a way."
Dish(s): Corn Cremeux, grilled blueberry condiment and blueberry crisp.
Poor Massimo. He had a great week in some ways, with a dessert the judges loved and another dish he suggested (Lana’s pathivier) drawing raves as well. Ay, check out Sir Laurence Pathivier over here! And yet, inevitably all I’m going to remember is a judge saying “I feel like we’ve been overtouched.”
Yes, Massimo does have that effect. I feel overtouched just looking at him.
I have a hard time handicapping Massimo’s chances, but in terms of making this season good television, he’s the MVP and it’s not close. The fact that he clearly understands his own shtick as well as he does should make him less fun to watch, but somehow it doesn’t. The way the editors cut together Shuai trying to train his staff with the sound of Massimo’s bellowing guido honk bleeding through the thin walls was honestly Emmy-worthy. Shades of Brooks Koepka being annoyed by Bryson Dechambeau’s deafening spikes there:
Right, guys? Right??? I know the three golf fans who read this are screaming right now.
Anyway, Massimo’s team won and the judges liked his dish, so Massimo wins this round. And so do we, getting to enjoy his antics for another week.
5. (even) César Murillo
AKA: Nerdy Eric Balfour. Eric Balfoureyes. Hispanic Patrick Fischler. Patrick Fisch Tacos. Tiny Papillote. Lil Papi.
Rankings History: 5 5 2 5 7 8 3.
Position: Line Cook, Nonna Pipón.
Dishes: Ancho Braised Short Rib over polenta, ricotta salata and roasted apples. Churros with Pistachio Creme Anglaise
Judges’ Critique(s): Judges: "I love a churro, but this eats a little dry because the ratio is off." "These almost eat like a biscuit." Diner: "I really like the churros." "The short rib had a lot of flavor but the consistency of the polenta is a little offputting for me."
The normally risk-taking César played it pretty safe this week, to mixed results. The judges enjoyed his short rib but not his polenta, and were downright negative towards his turd-shaped churro. No coil cakes, man, keep it linear!
And so once again, Cesar presents a ranking conundrum. On the one hand, his dishes seemed like solid ideas. On the other, how do you fuck up polenta and churros?
4. (-2) Shuai Wang
AKA: The Big Chill. Shugaze. Mumbles.
Ranking History: 4 2 5 2 3 1 2
Notable Quote: "I think I'm gonna hear Massimo for the rest of my life."
Position: Front of House, Nonna Pipón.
Dish: Frutti Di Mare with Aguachile and Chicharron.
Judges’ Critiques: "Everything fell off the smoothness of the squid." "The seafood itself is kind of bland."
I’m trying so hard to give Shuai the benefit of the doubt because he has cooked some of the best-looking food this season, but his undeniably off week this week forced my hand in dropping him a few positions. I felt like the judges made too much of his non-intrusive management style. Oh, he wasn’t all up in your shit, asking you for your desert-island discs and list of turn-ons? Probably because he’s running a restaurant, not a god damned polycule!
That being said, he couldn’t even get the judges to enjoy a ceviche, which doesn’t bode well.