Top Chef World All-Stars Power Index: The Finale Report

How can we crepe when our beans are burning?

Jun 09, 2023

In the words of erstwhile UFC announce Mike Goldberg, it’s allllll over!

Top Chef World All-Stars aired its final episode last night, the Paris-set finale showdown between the favorite: white tablecloth tweezer master Buddha Lo; the underdog, Ashkalacchian lactating Party Mom Sara Bradley (I can’t even imagine the weird porn traffic I’m going to get from that series of words); and the dark horse, lovable flamboyant Mexican flavor tornado Gabri Rodriguez.

If there was one drawback to this finale, TV entertainment-wise, it was that there was no one to root against. None of the annoying little shits this show has traditionally given us, like Marcel Vigneron, or cocky assholes, like Stefan Richter. I do miss them, a little. What was the blond guy with the giant ties? He was a great villain too.

Buddha played like the Death Star, but he’s still a Death Star shaped like the kind of guy who would be nicknamed “Buddha,” who used his winnings from last season to pay for his pug’s eye operation. Kind of hard to make a villain out of a pug-loving Australian dude with slight lisp.

Still, a little anti-climactic, in the sense that Buddha ended up winning, in about as close to a wire-to-wire performance I’ve seen on this show — comparable only to Buddha’s last season. And so he becomes the first back-to-back champion in the show’s history. I had him ranked number one in my power rankings after episode one last season. This season I think I got a wild hair and had him number two (behind Begoña) after episode one, and then number one every week after that. That has never happened before.

Despite how predictable it now seems on paper, give the producers, editors, and other competitors credit for making this episode feel genuinely competitive. Tom Colicchio wore his plaidest jacket for the occasion:

RIP, Turtleneck Tommy; long live Trenchcoat Thomas. You think Tom and Padma draw straws to see who gets to wear the Statement Jacket that week?

The finale challenges are always the most open-ended, and this one was no different. Ditto, the previously-eliminated contestants returning as sous chefs. Drawing knives, Sara got first pick and chose Amar Santana. They seem like a particularly simpático pair, both lovable ball-busters with a great outlook on life and a penchant for boldly-flavored, avowedly anti-fancy food (that’s actually pretty fancy in terms of technique). I have to think it’s a two-way race for fan favorite between these two.

Gabri chose Tom Goetter, aka F-Boy Tom, aka Funnybot, as his sous, calling him “pretty funny for a German.” I won’t take credit for being first to that observation on account of how obvious it is to everyone who watches/hangs out with Tom for more than five minutes. Tom’s first contribution to Gabri’s team, naturally, was to ask “what if we used some agar-agar?”

COULD YOU GIVE IT A REST WITH THE FUCKING SPACE-FOOD THICKENERS, MAN? GOD DAMN.

Buddha was left with Chef Ali (aka Muhammara Ali) as his sous, and what can you say about Ali? He’s very handsome, that’s what. It’s like a surgeon put his beard on with a scalpel.

All the chefs basically had their menus all planned out — Sara and Buddha being two of the biggest “homework doers” this show has ever had — and most of the drama came from them not being able to find the ingredients they wanted. For Buddha it was lobster. For Sara it was sweetbreads. For Gabri it was plantains. Buddha eventually found his lobster, Sara had to substitute liver for sweetbreads, and Gabri swapped plantains for sweet potatoes. The biggest loser in that scenario? Clearly Sara. Sweetbreads are a thing I always order, and liver is… something like the opposite of that.

Buddha actually ended up getting milder praise than we’ve become used to from him, while Gabri’s most “out there” tendencies seemed to be working in his favor this week. Gabri’s downfall? Lack of textural contrast in a few of his dishes. Sara seemed to be firing on all breast milk pumps, and turned in multiple judges’ favorite dish of the night: her English pea cake dessert. (Hey, man, if I wanted to pee on some cakes I’d call your mom).

Only… oopsy, Sara had to serve wildly undercooked liver! This thanks to the somewhat arbitrary TV time constraints (in real life, she could just take five more minutes and throw it under the salamander!) and the French markets not having the sweetbreads she actually wanted to cook. As Padma said, “God DAMMIT!”

I don’t know that I’ve ever heard Padma swear before, but it was perfectly deployed and was, dare I say it, powerful thanks to the rarity of it. I like to poke fun at Padma’s high fashion wardrobe and at the way she’s always the one tasked with delivering the show’s most lifeless sponsored content copy, but she’s really going to be hard to replace (I highly recommend this interview in the LA Times). You might find someone as knowledgeable about food, as glamorous, as worldly, or as literary, but no chance you’re going to find all four.

As for Sara, that was crushing. It really did seem like Sara would’ve won if not for that stupid liver mistake/bad luck. It’s hard to argue Buddha didn’t deserve his ultimate victory based on his cumulative performance this season, but he’s also won this show before. I doubt it will hurt Sara’s notoreity much not to win it all, but still, it has to suck for her. Sara Bradley? More like Sara BARKLEY! (Because Charles Barkley never won a championship either, get it? SPORTS METAPHORS).

Also, Marcus Samuelsson wore a dumb little hat:

Big time I Think You Should Leave vibes:

Much as I want to give Marcus Samuelsson (I stalked him in the Caribbean once!) the kind of grief I normally reserve for Graham Eliot, I must grant that he did a pretty solid job as judge here, with insightful critiques and no empty platitudes. That hat still looks Photoshopped on. Did Bubs from The Wire put that there? Is Marcus Samuelsson a capo in the Barksdale crew?

The Dishes

Chef Sara Bradley. AKA: Party Mom. Reebok. Sassparilla. Sara Barkley.

DISH 1: Seafood Couvillion with Tomato Water

Reviews: “Sara blew me away.”

DISH 2: Veal Liver & Onions with Cookie Butter & Figs

Reviews: “I had a hard time eating even one bite.” It’s a product that's very hard to work with.”

DISH 3: Burgoo with Roulade of Rabbit Loin, Boudin Blanc & Crepinette with Cornbread Madeleine.

Reviews: “I've never had boudin that light.” “Really well executed.” “So much refinement yet rustic as well, you really understand, well, that’s why you’re here.”

DISH 4: English Pea Cake with Pistachio Butter, Lemon Curd & Buttermilk Sorbet.

Reviews: “Sara's, I just love it.” “So different and so unique, the flavors were all there.” “Magical in her cooking.”

Final Thoughts:

Elevated comfort food is absolutely my jam and Sara crushed it. She seems like the best hang, and I’ll always remember her heavy wine pours. Pump out some breast milk for Party Mom, she’s the best.

Chef Gabri Rodriguez. AKA: The Black Pearl. The Mongoose. Wile Y. Coyote. El Mangosto.

DISH 1: Sweet Corn Esquites with Grasshoppers Tostada, Corn Mushrooms & Lemon Hollandaise.

Reviews: “I'm really excited by Gabri's first course.” “I think he overtoasted it a bit.” “I love the heat in there.”

DISH 2: Sweet Potato Empanada with Black Bean Puree

Reviews: “If there was less sauce I feel like texture would be more clear.” “I don't think it's an empanada, but it reminded me of Mexico so I love it.”

DISH 3: “Chiles En Nogada” - Ground Beef Sausage & Dehydrated Fruit-Filled Poblano Pepper with Sauce of Nuts

Reviews: “The flavors are just kind of wild. But I like it.” “Gabri engage himself in this dish, I loved it.”

DISH 4: Chocolate Tamal with Hazelnut Filling & Goat Cheese Ice Cream

Reviews: “It was incredible and I really love the cheese in my ice cream.” “I love that texture.” “He's always the boldest.”

Final Thoughts

Gabri arguably took the biggest swings, and even if he didn’t win, he definitely peaked at the right time. That empanada in a cheese pool? Looked amazing. I would absolutely go to his restaurant, and major points for serving a ground beef dish in a Top Chef finale (and getting raves for it!). Not only did Gabri ignore F-Boy Tom’s terrible agar-agar advice (I think?) he left us with one of us wonderful, never-before-heard aphorisms that only a non-native English speaker could come up with: “I’m carrying a very heavy backpack right now.”

Is that a thing in Spanish? A+ turn of phrase.

Chef Buddha Lo. AKA: Moneyball. Double Down. Big Data. Buddha.

DISH 1: Rainbow Trout, Potato, Celery with Caviar, Clam Velouté & Butterfly Oyster Cracker.

Reviews: “I thought Buddha's looked beautiful.” “It's very sophisticated.” “It's also, maybe a bit too generous.”

DISH 2: Red Curry Bisque with Blue Lobster, Pickles Squash Salad & Ravioli Dumpling.

Reviews: “This for me feels a little dense.” “What I love is that the spice keeps coming.” “Beautifully executed, lucious smooth curry.”

DISH 3: Lamb with Eggplant, Pickled Onions & Lo Shui.

Reviews: “It’s a very accomplished dish.” “It’s crispy where it should be crispy, soft where it should be soft.” “I think that's his best dish he's come out with so far.”

DISH 4: Lamington with Raspberries, Coconut Bavarois & Raspberry Jam.

Reviews: “It's quite sophisticated.” “I'm a total sucker for that flavor combination.” “I think it was beautiful.”

Final Thoughts

This seemed far from Buddha’s best week and he still won. Maybe that was more due to not making mistakes than cooking wildly inspired food, but no one eats a beautiful lobster dish and thinks “Meh, kind of hack.”

When Buddha pronounced his dessert “lemon verbeaner” I thought Gabri was going to turn to him and ask “the fuck you just say, bro?”

Anyway, all the criticisms that you could lay on Buddha — that he’s too cerebral, too fussy, too practiced, that he games the system or plays the odds — are varying degrees of unfair to Buddha. It’s easy to know that the judges will like a perfectly cooked Wellington, you still have to cook it perfectly, which is crazy hard even for the best of these chefs.

Buddha has a greater track record of being able to do both (knowing what the judges will like and executing it) than anyone on this show, which is why he’s the first back-to-back winner. Tom (Colicchio) thinks season six was the high-water mark of chef talent, but I’m not convinced: this season was all heavy hitters, nothing but winners and finalists, and Buddha still dominated. Certainly it makes him much more likable that he’s Australian (I have an admitted soft spot for Australians in general and Queenslanders in particular) but again, about the worst you could say about Buddha is that he’s really good at this and sometimes acts like he knows it.

This week’s subheadline — that’s an Australian song, did you catch that? PLEASE VALIDATE ME. Anyway, another great season in the books. Ass pats all around.