Top Chef Power Rankings: The Finale
Some like it scallop-y.
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[SPOILERS ALERT FOR THE BELOW, OBVIOUSLY! I also wrote a little parenting article over at GQ for Father’s Day]
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Well, folks, we’re down to the very last episode. The chefs are choosing their menus, picking their sous, Richard Blaise is in the wings carefully quirking up his hairstyle, and Kristen Kish is laying out a ring of tissues for her inevitable crying.
How do you open such an episode? Why, with a private viewing of The Last Supper, of course! That’s a pretty fitting painting to look at just before you plan the “last supper” you’re going to cook on Top Chef. Crazy coincidence!
Getting a private viewing of one of the world’s most famous paintings is actually a pretty cool perk, and kudos to Top Chef’s producers for not trying to shoehorn any product placement into that one for once. It wouldn’t have been quite as tasteful if it had been preceded by “BMW, take us to the refectory of the Convent of Santa Maria delle Grazie. …Boy, I hope seeing Da Vinci’s painting inspires me half as much as BMW’s new line of luxury hybrid SUVs!”
The painting ended up being thematically relevant even beyond the title, when Tristen pointed out that it famously depicts Judas, the bad guy, as having dark skin (or being in a shadow, whatever your intepretaish — he’s definitely darker, and most likely as a visual shorthand for “bad”). Either way, it gave him a relevant segue into “celebrating non-European cuisines that have been traditionally dismissed in the fine-dining world.”
After that, famous New Jersey mob boss “Turtleneck Tommy” showed up to take your mom out for a nice clam dinner.
Never has high fashion looked so cozy. Of course, Tom and Kristen were there to introduce the final challenge. As Tom put it: “Da Vinci's creativity knows no limits. And that's what we want to see from you.”
That’s right, we want to see your best Leonardo Da Vinci impression. Be gay. Invent helicopters. Become free.
The challenge? "The best four-course progressive meal of your life." And of course, helping the chefs to achieve this would be none other than some sous chefs chosen from the previously-eliminated competitors. Getting to be a sous chef in the finale actually seems like a better deal than being one of the runners up. You get a free trip to Milan without the stress of planning your potentially life-changing dinner the whole time.
For their sous, Bailey picked Lana (eliminated week 11), Shuai chose Pow-la (eliminated week 8), and Tristen picked Zubair (eliminated week 4). This helpfully broke down the teams down into: Team People Who Could Be Characters On Girls, Team Could You Repeat That? and Team Coolest Guy At Your Marketing Firm, respectively.
It also produced perfect gender parity (three guys, three girls, just like Friends!) and had to have been a big win for the printed fabric and colorful sneaker industries.
They all went their separate ways to plan their menus, and then after that, Tom was like, “and now everyone is invited over to our house for a family dinner! Finalists only! Losers go home, porchetta is for closers!”
That’s right, the judges cooked a progressive dinner of their own: porchetta from Tom (which might’ve been the best-looking dish of the episode), Tortelloni in brodo with white truffle from Kristen, Chanterelle, anchovy, and chicory salad and poached pear crostata from Gail. The dinner looked delicious, the judges gave their last pep talks, and Bailey wore her finest boob window for the occasion.
I’m not against it. It’s giving “Sexy Dracula.”
Finally, there was nothing left to do but the finale challenge. This was to be judged by two local Italians — Carlo Cracco and Sarah Cicolini, both of whose names are incredibly pleasing to say in your head. One sounds like something you shout to initiate a thunder clap, the other sounds like something you say while pinching a baby’s cheek. Very masc/femme. Also there, Top Chef winner Gregory Gourdet, Food & Wine’s Hunter Lewis, three Michelin star chef Clare Smyth, and Richard Blaise, who just sort of shows up sometimes and you have to let him hang out because it’s easier to tolerate him for a few hours than it is to see the sad look on his face when you tell him he’s not invited. He still has very high hair.