Top Chef Power Rankings, Week 10: We Dine Victorious on Fishy Road

We're almost down to the final five chefs, and they're still trying to make aguachile happen.

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Who Boils A Fish, I Mean Honestly

We’ve reached the phase of Top Chef where you start to see the end coming and get a little wistful. Kind of like when you’re reading a good book and notice there aren’t that many pages left and you get kind of sad. Or maybe that’s just the boiled fish talking. I’m all for “celebrating the culture of Wisconsin” and all, but is it just me, or is “how well can you boil a fish” not the best test to decide the final five chefs in a cooking competition?

(We were quickly back up to six after another two-part Last Chance Kitchen, but the point remains!)

Anyway, we’re getting ahead of ourselves. This week’s episode, of Top Chef’s Wisconsin-set 21st season, began with another Quickfire Challenge celebrating another Wisconsin state tradition: the meat raffle!

The Meat Raffle is Wisconsin phenomenon whereby a whole bar full of chinless oafs get butthoused on cheap pilsner and then play a version of Bingo that involves winning meat. Honestly, I like to tease our Great Lakes dwellers, for living in a frozen wasteland settled entirely by dour Germans and Scandinavians whose interests ranged from scowling to cheese, but the meat raffle thing actually sounds pretty good. Few things I enjoy more than drinking too much and having delusions of grandeur about future meals. Oh you beautiful oafs, we’re not so different, you and I.

For that challenge, the producers brought out guest judge Art Smith. Art Smith? Why, he’s the Bruce Vilanch of food!

Art Smith used to cook for Oprah, as well as two governors of Florida, including Jeb Bush. You think he’s ever been on Epstein’s plane?

Wait, ignore that joke: I just discovered that Art Smith’s Instagram handle is “@thechefartsmith.” Nice try putting the “the” in there, buddy, but all I can see is “Che Fart Smith.” Embrace it, man. Cool restaurant name, Chez Fartsmith.

Anyway, Top Chef’s meat raffle came with a twist. Some of the meats would be the fancy stuff, like ribeye, and chateaubriand, while other choices included canned corned beef and “luncheon meat.” What’s “luncheon meat,” you ask? Well, I’m pretty sure it’s just Spam with the labels removed. I’m guessing Hormel didn’t want to pony up the dough for a Spon-con segment. At which point Tom Colicchio presumably chomped down on his cigar and shouted, “Remove the labels, boys!” while his goons power washed the Spam labels into the gutter while a spiced meat exec cried.

If you know anything about Tom Colicchio, and the show offers you the chance to cook him either an exravagant beef tenderloin roast or some slop in a can, you take the can. You can either have your steak nitpicked to death or get praised for the creative way you repurposed some slop.

I won’t spoil it here quite yet, but one of the chefs chose about as poorly as it’s possible to choose on this one.

After that, it was time to celebrate another Wisconsin tradition: the fish boil! Turns out, come summer, folks who’ve spent an entire frozen winter trapped inside musty polka parlors trying to win meat enjoy nothing better than getting out into the sun and sand and boiling their fresh catch into an off-white gruel. Sure, that might seem like a waste of a perfectly good fish to anyone with a super-90 IQ, but the Wisconsinites love it. They thirst for the gruel. It’s all they know.

For that challenge, the producers brought out some past Top Chef winners and All-Stars: Mei Lin, Gregory Gourdet, Shota Nakajima, Sara Bradley, Jeremy Ford, and Justin Sutherland.

Justin Sutherland?! Why, he’s the Chester Cheetah of food!

Wait, I guess Chester the Cheetah is already a food guy.

If you can’t tell which one Justin is, just look for the gold cargos and statement hat. This dude looks like he could really stir up some drama on a Vanderpump spinoff. I had to screencap that because somehow I knew the Top Chef set photographer was going to skimp on the gratuitous statement hat stills. And little did I know at the time that Justin was about to bust out an even more Chester the Cheetah-esque outfit:

It looks like he’s doing the CSI Miami sunglasses meme, but for necklaces! “What? No, this is my summer cashmere cardigan.”

God bless Justin Sutherland. He’s a throwback to the days when Top Chefs were really giving me lots of nickname fodder. Then Gabe Erales got immediately metoo’d and they got much stricter with their vetting process. Now the quirkiest we can hope for is really tight pants or saying “let’s go” a lot.

Speaking of conspiracy theories, I’m pretty sure Tom disappeared Chef David (who famously disparaged Tom’s “hat game” as his first act on the show in episode 1) just so that he could wear this hat without getting roasted for it:

David Moir for Bravo

I’m telling my kids this was the half man from Two and a Half Men.

As I said, they were all there to judge a Fish Boil challenge. For which the show also brought out the Wisconsin equivalent of a War Boy:

David Moir for Bravo

A can full of accellerant and no safety gear? This man was truly there to die historic on Fishy Road.

WITNESS ME!

WHAT A LOVELY DAY! (Can you believe they did this on the same week Furiosa is being released? Brilliant accidental tie-in).

The actual explanation for this was that the fish boil tends to accumulate scum and sediment at the top (which you wouldn’t want spoiling the sanctity of your delicious boiled fish), and so someone throws a full can of gas or kerosene on the fire right at the end to make the pot boil over and rid itself of that yucky layer. Nothing goes better with boiled fish than petroleum fumes! Also, who knew “gas thrower” was a bona fide occupation? I’m going to find my guidance counselor and kick him right in his old nuts.

The details of the challenge were that the chefs would have two hours to prepare a fish boil for 100 diners, with two sides. The twist was that they’d have to explain their idea to one of the guest judges they’d be paired with, and the guest judge would do all the shopping on their behalf (behalves?). Tough! The guest judges took differing approaches to this, from aggressively trying to guide their contestant towards a better idea (Mei Lin) to straight up sabotage (Gregory Gourdet). Justin Sutherland’s partner ended up winning the challenge, thereby increasing the chances that Justin will be asking to crash on his couch in six months.

“Yeah, man, I’ve got this new t-shirt business I’m trying to get off the ground and…”

RESULTS

QUICKFIRE TOP: Soo. Savannah*.
QUICKFIRE BOTTOM: Everyone else.

ELIMINATION TOP: Michelle, Danny*, Dan.
ELIMINATION BOTTOM: Manny, Savannah, Soo**.

*Winner. **Eliminated.

POWER RANKINGS

6. (-4) ((Eliminated)) Soo Ahn

AKA: John Dae Lee. Cash.

God dammit. This one hurt. I’ve kind of been pulling for Soo all along, because his food actually looks and sounds the most interesting, rather than just competently cooked, as a lot of the other top competitors’ this season tends to be.

John Dae Lee looked like he was on the right track at first. Drawing last in the meat raffle, Soo took the Spam. Er, “luncheon meat,” which, again, felt like the right choice. He did some kind of Korean thing (“dosirak,” which I gather is kind of like a Korean bento box) with rice and a cured egg yolk. Art Smith seemed to love it. Soo didn’t end up winning, but he landed in the top three, and won himself a nice little editing package about rebelling against his mother’s strict parenting.

I’m pretty sure he was holding that trophy like a dick, Happy Gilmore-style. Is it any wonder this guy was my favorite?

Sadly that backstory segment turned out to be Soo’s going away present (also, hasn’t Soo already gotten at least three of these?). He did reveal that he cooks at a restaurant that specializes in “modern Italian,” which was kind of a wild revelation, considering Soo hasn’t cooked damn thing that looked Italian this entire time. That he’s gone a different direction nearly every time adds to the sense that this dude has some creative weirdness inside him that was dying to get out (turn this into a sex joke if you must).

Then things went sideways for Soo after the Quickfire, and I’m partially blaming Gregory Gourdet for the sabotage. Soo clearly asked for “Thai curry paste, red or green” and then Gourdet showed up with curry powder. That’s waaaay different! And that was presumably supposed to be the base for the entire fish boil!

That being said, the judges seemed to hate almost everything about Soo’s dish, from his “raw” corn, which was also somehow “mushy” and also “sawdusty.”

You rarely hear “sawdusty” used in a positive context these days. I blame the death of American manufacturing.

Anyway, I was very bummed to see Soo go home, especially on a goddamned boiled fish challenge, but I suppose you can’t defend sawdusty mush slaw, even in Wisconsin.

DISH: Pineapple curry fish boil, five spice and fish sauce beurre blanc, twice cooked potatoes, crispy corn miso slaw.

REVIEWS: "I wouldn't call that a slaw." "Is this corn cooked? I feel like the corn is raw." "Also, it's really mushy." "It's sawdusty." "This pineapple butter is maybe my new favorite thing." "It tasted like raw casserole."

5. (+1) Manny Barella

AKA: Manny. El Cid Vicious. Brawny.

Speaking of my favorites faring poorly, I don’t think I can even defend Manny anymore. It will be a miracle if he lasts another episode (well, another two, anyway, I think the Last Chance Kitchen winner is doomed, but we’ll get to that). If we’ve learned anything from the past nine episodes of this season, it’s that 1. you never try to cook nice meat for Tom, and 2. stop trying to make aguachile happen.

Manny drew first pick in the meat raffle, and chose the ribeye. And what did he make? A fucking ribeye aguachile. My God, man. I’ve been begging this guy to quit it with the Frenchy sauces, and finally he does, and then what does he do? He chooses the preparation that has torpedoed at least three separate competitors this season. What is it with you guys and goddamned aguachile??!?

Okay, so in fairness to Manny, he’s actually Mexican, which you would think would give him more insight into aguachile. And when he put his ribeye aguachile on the plate, to my eyes, it looked really good. But apparently it was too acidic and maybe too salty and you could taste the meat and blah blah blah. File this one under never serve good meat to Tom, the meat nitpicker. Tom is so picky about meat, he’s basically the opposite of your mom (I have fined myself $50 dollars for this).

For the fish boil, Manny drew Mei, the Tiger Mom of guest mentors. She was exactly what Manny needed, if only he had listened to her. Knowing he planned to serve store-bought tortillas, Mei bought Manny some masa, which was about as subtle as buying your fat husband a triathlon bike for his birthday. Oh, did you think he should make his own tortillas, Mei?

She also questioned whether his guacamole counted as a side. If there are two things I love in the world, they’re Manny and guacamole, but I’m with Mei on this one. Guac is more of an app or an amuse bouche than a side.

But Manny was adamant that he just wanted to focus on a few things and was trying to keep it simple. Traditionally, Top Chef competitors wondering aloud if their dish is too plain or too safe is what they say right before they bring home a big win. Manny was the rare case of worrying if he’d played it too safe and the judges roaring full-throated agreement.

As Tom said, “the problem with the guacamole and rice… is that it’s guacamole and rice.” (Jesus, did Aaron Sorkin write this line?)

Yes, that was a huge diss. And yet, as Tom said, “He’s the first person who gave us some citrus to squeeze on the fish,” which was probably what saved Manny in the end. Die by the bitchy nitpicks, get saved by the bitchy nitpicks; it’s almost poetic.

DISH: Mexican boil, tostada, guacamole, Mexican white rice with corn and chipotle lime butter.

REVIEWS: "The flavor's good, and it definitely compliments the rice." "He's the first person who gave us some citrus to squeeze on the fish." "Problem with both the guacamole and the rice, it's guacamole and rice." "This wasn't a Top Chef plate."

4. (+1) Savannah Miller

AKA: Funko. Peepers. Sporty Spice. Fryer Tuck. Big Pun. Bell Curve.

After last week’s big win (somehow heeding my advice to cook a dessert), Savannah managed to heed my future advice once again and chose the canned slop in the meat raffle. Even she admitted her canned corned beef “looks like dog food.”

Surprise surprise, it was a smart choice, and she moneyballed herself to victory with a crispy corned beef and beet salad. With two wins in a row, it felt like Savannah was really starting to string it together. As she told the camera herself, “I have turned something on and I think it’s dangerous.”

Whoa, settle down there, Lucy. What if 100% brain? Stand back, y’all, Savannah bout to turn into a USB drive.

Given that Savannah’s wins seemed to coinside with her not shoehorning Japanese techniques and ingredients into everything, getting paired with Chef Shota seemed like maybe a bad omen. Savannah was over the moon, of course. She didn’t seem to go too hard with the Japanese food this week, considering, but still cooked an uninspiring meal anyway. In fact it probably would’ve gotten her sent home if not for her quickfire victory and Soo serving pineapple sawdust surprise.

DISH: Kimchi gochujang broth, baby potatoes, smashed tofu salad.

REVIEWS: "I think the fish itself is pretty bland." "It's definitely overcooked." "I loved the potatoes." "I love wilted salad, but not like this."

3. (+1) Michelle Wallace

AKA: Pitmaster. Soundbite. Levee. Maillard Angelou.

I’m sandbagging Michelle a little bit every time I mention Manny or Soo being my favorites, because she’s been right here all along, throwing out beautiful haikus of southern food perfection. She played the game well in the quickfire, choosing ground turkey and opting for a jerk chicken nugget. Which, in classic Michelle form, sounded like a great idea.

Only she ran out of time and ended up serving a raw nugget. Worse, she didn’t even have the wherewithal to try to rebrand it. “Crispy jerk turkey tartare” has a beautiful ring to it, if you ask me. “Mmm, you can really taste the salmonella.”

If you thought Savannah getting Shota was a dream pairing in the elimination challenge, Michelle getting Sara might’ve been even more perfect. Hard to say how much influence Sara had, but “Cajun boil with peach garlic butter” was yet another Michelle dish that was practically a tone poem. With Soo gone and Manny struggling, Michelle might be the sentimental favorite.

DISH: Cajun boil, sausage potatoes, peach and garlic butter sauce.

REVIEWS: "The fish is beautifully cooked." "I love the idea of the potato with the sausage." "All the components told one story of what she wanted to do."

2. (-1) Dan Jacobs

AKA: Ness. Handsome Dan. Froggy Fresh. Kermit. Frames. Jordache Peterson. The Gipper. Two Frames.

Is it wrong for me to call Michelle the sentimental favorite when there’s a guy with a degenerative disease in the competition? Possibly. In my defense, this has felt almost like a two-way race between Dan and Danny for these past few weeks, and it’s hard to think of someone as a “sentimental favorite” when they’re really just a favorite-favorite.

Froggy Fresh (Dan’s Jordan Peterson-esque vocal quirk has manage to grate on me a lot less than Amanda’s ever increasing Daria snare) took chateaubriand in the quickfire round (bad call!). But then he turned it into a sichuan noodle dumpling (good call?). That looked fuckin’ good, at least to my eyes. But Art Smith objected on the grounds of too many herbs. I get it, it sucks when the garden is so lush that it overshadows the meat tube.

Then after that, Dan expressed what we were all thinking when asked about the fish boil. That it’s a stupid way to cook fish! “It goes against basically everthing I’ve learned as a chef,” Dan opined, just before it was revealed that the guy standing next to him was Nux Haddocksmasher, Chief Gas Thrower for the Society of Wisconsin Fish Boil Appreciators. Losing friends and missing opportunities over an inability to keep opinions to yourself? Oh boy, it me.

Anyway, Dan ended up cooking his fish in a red curry and coconut milk broth, which I’m pretty sure was what Soo wanted to do before Gregory Gourdet sabotaged him. It didn’t win Dan the challenge, but it looked pretty good.

Is Dan our only hope to keep Danny from winning?? The only thing that stops a bad Dan with some food is a good Dan with some food.

DISH: Red curry boil, coconut milk, peanut slaw, fingerlings with duck fat, and shiro dashi oil.

REVIEWS: "Mine's perfectly cooked." "Because of that broth, I am getting a lot of that flavor." "The potatoes I think were kind of an afterthought."

1. (+2) Danny Garcia

AKA: Grok. Squeaky. Brooklyn. Stretch. Hype-bot. Subsidy. Bugs. Frosty.

Here are some Danny quotes I transcribed from this week’s episode:

“Let’s goooo.”

“Let’s goo.”

“Let’s goooooo.”

“Let’s go.”

“Let’s goooo.”

Get this man a shock collar and force him to learn a new catchphrase. Quit it, Danny, you’re ruining my favorite Rancid album!

Yes, I’m probably hating on Danny because he sounds like every kid on my 11-year-old’s Fortnite stream. There’s nothing especially wrong with him, but he feels like a Zoomer-by-numbers at times. Though he did say, of his partner Justin Sutherland this week, “he’s gonna have to lose the hat to get around Whole Foods.”

Solid burn. That made me think that Danny was close to finding the edge I’ve been desperate for him to find all this season. But then when whined “there’s sand in my Jordans right now” during the fish boil I just assumed he’d reverted to the mean. Wow, a New York guy who says “let’s go” and wears Jordans? They really broke the mold when they made this one.

I think partly it’s that the things the judges love about Danny’s food doesn’t translate that well for the TV viewer. The Danny thing the judges raved about this week? The salsa verde on his fish. I’ve made it, I like it, it just doesn’t look or sound that interesting if you’re not tasting it. The other thing they loved? Danny’s carrot slaw. Danny loves carrots. He’s written a carrot cookbook. He’s the carrot master (hence his new nicknames, Bugs and Frosty, two characters who always have carrots stuffed in their face). Carrots? Carrots. Listen, I love me some carrots, but I’m not going to get excited about seeing them on TV.

At least Danny’s New York comes out whenever he says “carrots.” Caarrots. Caaaaaaaarrots. I knew a girl named “Tara” who was from New Jersey but moved to California and was convinced that everyone was saying her name wrong. “It’s not ‘Tare-uh,’ it’s ‘TAAAAAAAra.’”

It’s the same word! It’s just that we don’t all grow up sounding words off our nose bone like you freaks. Also, it’s standing in line, not on line, you weirdos.

Anyway, judges and diners alike loved Chef Danny’s fish with salsa verde and carrot slaw and oh god I’m asleep already.

DISH: Sofrito Boil, carrot slaw, Salsa verde, French bean and bonito salad.

REVIEWS: "The fish got a lot of flavor from that broth." "The fish is cooked perfectly, the salsa verde compliments it very well." "That carrot slaw was insane."

LAST CHANCE KITCHEN ADDENDUM

SPOILER ALERT!

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DON’T READ THIS YET IF YOU HAVEN’T WATCHED LCK!

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I’M SERIOUS!!!

!!

!

Last Chance Kitchen is killing me this season. What was this, the third two-parter?? I think I could’ve learned Mandarin in the time I’ve devoted to watching and writing about Top Chef this season.

Soo joined Laura and Amanda in Last Chance Kitchen, and obviously I was pulling for Soo, because I can’t imagine Laura winning this competition, and Amanda’s Daria voice has gotten so much worse these past few weeks that I feel like I’m losing my mind. If I was watching these on TV instead of my laptop I would definitely hit the mute button.

The first challenge? Incorporate all of the quickfires into a dish (Dairy, cranberries, hops, flambé, meat raffle, cherries, and sauce). Amanda did a wagyu ribeye with some sauce and slaw, Soo did a Thanksgiving-style chateaubriand, and Laura did some wagyu kebabs with slaws also. Soo ended up losing, almost certainly on account of giving Tom and Kristen too much to nitpick. Mostly Tom complained about his raw celery added at the end for crunch, a departure from the little crispy rice kernels Soo has mostly been using this season. You nincompoop! You absolute fool! Now I have to pretend to care what happens to Amanda or Laura for the rest of this season? Or more likely for one more episode?? Thanks, I hate it. Just call an audible and throw Soo and Rasika back in this competition.

After that there was a “just make a good plate of food” challenge between Laura and Amanda. I thought Laura was cooked when she grabbed some pre-shucked crab out of the fridge and just stuck it on the plate to go with her olive oil-poached veg, but then Amanda tried to do 30-minute gnocchi.

So now Laura is back in the comp, probably for one more episode before getting kicked off again. I desperately hope she goes back to trying to sabotage Dan, but in my heart I know it probably won’t happen.